I used to have geese so here’s a tip for everyone:
If a goose is attacking you, don’t run. No matter what, stand your ground. They can fly but when they’re mad, they don’t usually try to fly. Hold your hands in front of you, ready to grasp. When the goose gets close, grab it by the neck bit closest to the head and squeeze. Not tight enough to choke the goose, but tight enough so they can’t break free. You can hold them until they calm down or just do the next step right away. The next step is literally just to chuck them as far as possible and run for your life. It makes the goose know you’re in charge and you have a better chance of getting away. Trust me I’ve done this so many times that I’ve lost count
I can’t tell if this is a shitpost or actual advice. But I do know geese are the fucking worst.
Actual advice! Just yeet a goose
You can also put your other arm around the goose, pinning its wings to its sides (don’t have the wings loose or you’ll get pummeled), and pick it up like a terrible set of bagpipes. You can hang onto a goose pretty well like that, and if you carry them for a bit, they usually decide you’re in charge.
Then you yeet them. Preferably into water because geese are heavy and you don’t want to hurt one just for doing what its instincts say.
It’s that time of the year again so just gonna remind everyone that Canada geese are capable of breaking a human arm with their wings, bite hard enough to cause stitches, and otherwise injure you. Do not taunt or torment geese. Just avoid them and keep your distance, move slowly and calmly, always stay facing the geese. If a goose is already beginning to chase you, stand your ground as both fleeing and assaulting the goose will encourage it to attack. If you stand facing the goose and move back slowly it will usually cause the goose to back off. And remember:
Do Not Feed The Geese
Some tips if a goose does start attacking you:
• Obstruct their line of sight, move behind something, put something like a bush or bench between you and the bird
• Move in groups. A goose is more likely to attack an indivual than a whole flock of human
• Please don’t hurt the goose! I realize it seems like an asshole, but they’re just trying to defend their family and you could be in violation of the law. Don’t go to jail over a goose
• Move in a 90° angle if the goose is flying at you, they can’t turn that sharply and will miss
• Don’t get on their level as they can more easily injure you
• Keep children away from places geese roam
• And once again, don’t feed wild geese. At All.
If you know you’re going to be in a goose area, carry an umbrella with you! Just pop it open when a goose approaches, it can scare the goose away and also be used as a shield. Just don’t hit the goose, please.
@tinysaurus-rex why can’t I feed wild geese? I often bring them chicken food (never bread) or spinach. They know me and are quite tame. Sorry if this sounds rude. I would hate to hurt an animal. Am I doing something wrong?
It’s not a good idea to feed them because it acclimates them to humans. You may not want to hurt them & you know how to act around them, but if they get used to accepting food from humans, they could easily go after someone who doesn’t have food or can’t get away from them safely (like a kid).
Added to that, it’s not a great idea to feed wild waterfowl because when that gets normalized & lots of people are doing it, it can actually encourage them to stay put when they should be moving for winter. No one feeds waterfowl during the winter & they can starve since there’s not enough food for them.
I always hear stories about how dangerous geese are. I don’t doubt it becaus the sheer NUMBER of people who have told me they’re dangerous and stuff it’s pretty clear it is A Thing. But like, my experiences with Canadian geese have been. “Oh hey look! Geese.” when we’re walking to appointments. Like, we’ve gotten within 5 ft of them (kinda had to, they were on the path) and they seem wary and will move away but aside from that they don’t seem to care. One time we even saw one with babies and she pretty much ignored us. (also the babies were adorable)
We never approach them, we just sort of walk by, maybe take a few photos, and go on our way.
So like, I don’t doubt them as dangerous. I’ve just never had the Scary Goose Experience TM
Alright, that first post? That’s nonsense. Geese cannot break your bones. They will hit you with their wings, but they can’t actually break anything that way. Their wing is much more fragile than your arm. They aren’t that strong! They weigh like 10 pounds!
They also can’t make you need stitches. Geese don’t have teeth made to tear skin. Seriously, I’ve been bitten by waterfowl before. It hurts, but they can’t actually injure you. The worst a goose can do is bruise you a bit.
Also, you’re a lot bigger than a goose. If one comes at you in the air, protect your face until it’s not in the air, then spread your arms, look big, and slowly back away. Move away from the goose family so it won’t have a reason to attack you, while making yourself intimidating.
If a goose comes at you on the ground, just reach down and grab its neck, right behind its head. Hold firmly but without crushing, pull towards yourself, put your other arm down and around the goose to pin its wings to its sides, and lift. Voila. You have captured a goose. Carry it to the nearest body of water and throw it in. It’ll make a big splash and will probably leave you alone after.
If one is approaching threateningly but not outright attacking you yet, walk away. Don’t run, don’t wave your arms, just leave. It’ll leave you alone once you’re out of its space.
Here’s a video of a goose being very territorial and attacking a guy’s dog. Please note that the dog is not bleeding or having any bones broken. This is also about the best way to deal with a goose attacking your child/your dog/etc; grab it, throw it away from whatever it’s attacking, and leave.
C’mon, people! Geese are aggressive as heck sometimes, but they’re just birds! And not even predatory birds like hawks. They aren’t equipped to seriously injure anything larger than they are.
This is the Goose of Outrageous Self Assuredness. Take from her example, her ludicrous and excellent poise in the face of bullying, and be confident in your place, your course, your equal validity.
Alright, here’s a tip: When a goose starts coming at you like this, don’t freak out. Just reach down and grab its neck, right behind its head. Holding just tightly enough to keep a grip, keep it close to you, and hook your other arm over its back and under its belly. Lift it up, hold its body firmly against you, keep ahold of the neck so it can’t bite you, and you have a goose. Carry it around a bit, show it to small children, then go throw it (gently) into the nearest body of water. It’ll leave you alone.
Make sure you have a good grip on the feet/legs though, they’ve got some serious claws.
Also if you try this keep those wings wrapped up tightly, to prevent injury to either you or the bird.
^Good points.
You want to have your arm over the closed wings, and can usually use the hand on that arm to kinda pin the legs to the body. If you have a jacket on, the foot claws probably aren’t going to be much of an issue anyway, but you need to keep the wings up close to the body so it can’t hurt itself flapping. Also, don’t hold onto the neck tightly- you aren’t trying to strangle it.
I’m a pretty small person and can hold a goose under one arm, it’s not too difficult. Sometimes you can even let go of their head+neck and they’ll be too confused to bite. If you do keep hold of the neck, do it gently- just strong enough to keep the head away from your face. You don’t want to hurt the goose, it’s not malicious, you only want to demonstrate that it should avoid you.
If a goose is going after a small child nearby or is being aggressive towards you, you can usually change its mind it by showing challenging body language. Lift your shoulders up real high, talk loudly to it, wave or flap your arms a bit against your sides, and march towards it like you mean business. Most will decide not to mess with you. If they do, they’ll do this low-head thing like in the video, which makes them real easy to grab. Little kids like it when you save them from a goose and then let them pet it.
I suggest tossing them into water because it’s the best way to let them go without having to worry about dropping them or getting hit by wings or claws. Just let go of the neck first. They’ll usually make a big splash, ruffle their feathers indignantly, and swim away from you.
Do NOT try any of this with swans! They’ll hurt you.
Ducks generally aren’t aggressive, but this will work easily on them. You can hold a duck under each arm.
Alright, here’s a tip: When a goose starts coming at you like this, don’t freak out. Just reach down and grab its neck, right behind its head. Holding just tightly enough to keep a grip, keep it close to you, and hook your other arm over its back and under its belly. Lift it up, hold its body firmly against you, keep ahold of the neck so it can’t bite you, and you have a goose. Carry it around a bit, show it to small children, then go throw it (gently) into the nearest body of water. It’ll leave you alone.
2/2 so I was wondering if large birds just hate human
transportation or something haha. Thanks for your post, very
interesting.
(In reference to a comment I made about kayaks being incredibly rude in Swan Culture)
I’ve been looking at my inbox like “I am not some kind of ECCENTRIC BIRD WHISPERER,” but I actually know the answer to this one, and it’s hilarious.
Large birds don’t have a particular hateboner for human transportation, but wild turkeys have two unique properties that make them behave ridiculously when they collide with human populations. For those who aren’t familiar with them, wild turkeys are large, boisterous birds that tend to interact with humans most frequently around the autumn which is convenient for Thanksgiving and mating season in early spring. Most of the time, they live peaceable lives in the woods, but around November they run around in flocks bothering innocent citizens and picking fights with vending machines, and then they usually go away again.
The toms, or dominant males, can stand up to 4 feet tall and weigh up to 24 pounds. They’re the ones that do the fancy displays:
The First Unique Turkey Property: Now, wild turkeys are a little bit like betta fish, in that they perceive any shiny/reflective surface that shows them a reflection as actually containing Another Turkey, and they react accordingly. When they react to the Other Turkey – usually by posturing aggressively and flaring their fins feathers majestically – the Other Turkey ESCALATES THE SITUATION by posturing as well. At some point the real turkey loses its temper and attacks, pecking and scratching and trying to take the fucker apart, only to find that the Other Turkey has protected itself with some kind of force field.
So to a wild turkey that has encountered enough autumnal car-related psychic battles, the completely logical conclusion to take away from them is that cars contain demonic spiritsthat must be subdued. Other examples of things that wild turkeys are compelled to vanquish include… well, other reflective things.
To address this, cover reflective things (you can rub soap on your car to make it less reflective) and frighten off the turkey if it’s keeping you from leaving your car.
The Second Unique Turkey Property: This is a little bit embarrassing for all concerned, but you have to think about it like a turkey would. You see, humans are oddly compelling creatures to a hormonal turkey. We have bare faces with interestingly positioned lumps of flesh, we gobble our speech in a way that almost sounds like Turkey, we strut about on two feet showing off our long sexy legs, we strut about in family groups, we often have access to really good food, our clothing is big and bright and colorful. Turkey faces change color with their mood; human faces are all kinds of fascinating colors, plus additional fantastic decorations. To wild turkeys, humans are a type of turkey, and further: many humans are either Intimidating Sexual Threats, or Exciting Sexual Beings.
Now, I am very sorry about this, but not only can wild turkeys be kind of reverse furries, they also have unexpected ideas about gender and sexuality. So to some female turkeys, “male” humans are excitingly sexy and they will follow one around for embarrassingly long periods of time, cooing attractively – meanwhile, the tom turkey and the subordinate males will be OUTRAGED by the COMPETITION presented by the interloper, and will attempt to subdue “him.” And “female” humans are likewise at risk of being passionately seduced by the dominant toms, or quietly propositioned by subordinate males – or the females may attempt to recruit you into their existing social system – as a junior member, of course. They have a strict pecking order.
Unfortunately for humans, your preferred gender may not necessarily actually
translate to the gender that turkeys decide you are. And some turkeys
may decide you’re “male” while others will decide that you’re “female,” so that will be confusing, and some dominant female turkeys have “male” sexual traits – like beards and tail fans – anyway. They recognize and remember humans, so if you had a particularly exciting encounter with a specific turkey, it will probably remember you.
Also unfortunately for humans, the fine distinctions between Turkey Seduction, Turkey Competition, and Turkey Networking are usually a little bit lost, and all of this behavior seems to be the same thing – it mostly consists of a large dinosaur-like bird trotting at you, possibly screaming and pecking and flapping, and can be worrying. If you are in the car and the turkey can see you, and it wishes to
continue a previous encounter, it may well insist upon this in a
frightening way.
Turkeys don’t give a shit about human “gender” and “authority,” as the many available videos on the internet of turkeys attacking police officers, reporters and mailmen will assure you. They just make logical decisions that are perfectly natural and reasonable to turkeys, and humans react by running away.
So what do you do about this? Well, DO NOT RUN AWAY, this means you that you are a Submissive Turkey and their behavior will escalate. Turkeys can learn the meaning of “no,” and you don’t have to be bullied by them.
And the Massachusetts Fish and Game website has a huge resource explaining all the subtleties of wild turkey behavior and how to combat the nuisances. Essentially, you must not attempt to make friends with them or attract them; once they arrive, you must “be bold” and establish Dominance, and encourage everyone to do the same.
If the turkeys are aggressive around children and the elderly, all sources agree that if they become a danger, you can contact the relevant authorities and have the turkeys removed or destroyed.
Anyway, that’s why turkeys attack cars. The take-home message is: the cars are too shiny and you are possibly a sexy turkey.
I don’t know what you want to make of that
THANKS TO @soilrockslove WHO POINTED OUT THAT ONCE AGAIN I FORGOT TO EXPLAIN WHY KAYAKS ARE RUDE TO SWANS
IT’S THE THRASHING/PADDLING MOSTLY
AND THE BODY LANGUAGE
you just look like you’re flapping towards the swan with Filthy Intent, going extremely fast, skimming over the water and flailing your wings around threateningly, which in Swan is shaped like the beginning of a territorial charge, so they go “TIME TO FIGHT BITCH”
How much do swans hate kayaks?
in 2012 in Chicago an imported mute swan straight-up killed a man in a kayak. Plot twist: the man was his own caretaker.
Asbo, a UK mute swan who actively attacked boaters in Cambridge until he threatened tourism, was eventually removed from the river… to be replaced by his son “Asboy”, First Of His Name, who continues his father’s legacy.
Tyson, a UK mute swan of the Grand Union Canal, also chases kayaks fiercely enough to warrant news coverage – although the “chase scenes” aren’t actually that scary. Here he is doing a territorial charge.
See when Tyson moves from busking (holding up his wings and padding menacingly) to a full on flying charge, with his wings pumping up and down? That’s what kayaks look like they’re doing when they paddle towards him. Swans are territorial (they firmly believe that they own property) and this charge would indicate that he is being directly challenged for possession of his property. Since some male swans are willing to defend their property to the point of death, this is Problematic during kayak season.
Also, swans just hate kayaks. Canoes are a little better and powered boats don’t bother them (many of them genuinely like powered boats and recognize friendly ones.)
This was related on boater social media: a well-known lady who has a garden that backs onto the canal made friends with a swan family. Sadly, the pen (female) died, leaving the cob (male) as a single parent. Now, that cob is renowned for disliking kayaks and canoes, and with several rambunctious youngsters to raise, he often forgot his parenting duties in the thrill of seeing them off – or he’d have to compromise his chasing to go back and protect his babies. Anyway, one day there was a kayak race and a constant stream of kayaks went shooting through his territory. Within a few hours of “seeing off” the flow of invaders while also protecting his babies from them, cob exhausted himself completely. He gathered up his babies and dragged them up the bank and into her garden, where he presented the brood to the lady, and then passed out on her patio. She entertained the babies – and apparently had a lapful of napping baby swans for a few hours – until the cob woke up and felt ready to cope. Thankfully the race was over.
That cob has a new mate now so hopefully she won’t be called upon to babysit again.
Anyway, that’s why some swans hate kayaks. The end.
I can only assume I’m getting notes on this again because it’s Turkey Networking Season
Also, geese.
If an aggressive goose is coming at you, wait for it to lower its head to bite you, then reach down and grab it right behind the head. Pull the head towards you and to the side, crouch, scoop your other arm around the body to pin the wings, and lift. Congratulations, you now have a goose. Hang onto the neck (gently, don’t strangle), and you can now do whatever you want. I suggest offering it to nearby children to pet, and then taking it to the nearest large body of water and gently-but-firmly throwing it into the water. The goose will usually swim away very fast and not bother you again.
For multiple geese, run at them while flapping your arms and yelling. It looks silly, but it should establish your position as Largest, Most Dominant Goose, and they’ll leave you alone. This can also be used to keep them away from small children.
(Edited after additional information was obtained from zookeeping cousin)
I told this story to a few guildies a while back and decided to archive it in a longer format; so here is the story of The Great Flamingo Uprising of 2010 as told to me by my favorite cousin who was a keeper at the time.
In addition to the aviary/jungle exhibit, our zoo has several species of birds that pretty much have the run of the place. They started with a small flock of flamingos and some free-range peacocks that I’m almost certain came from my old piano teacher’s farm. She preferred them to chickens. At some point in time they also acquired a pair of white swans (“hellbirds”) and some ornamental asian duckies to decorate the pond next to the picnic area. Pigeons, crows, assorted ducks and a large number of opportunistic Canada geese moved in on their own.
Now; the ponds that dot the zoo property (I don’t remember how many there are but the one by the picnic area is the only one with swans) were also full of ginormous koi fish, some of whom by now are at least three feet long. Sensing an opportunity to cash in on the koi, the zoo put up little vending machines all over the place that dispense handfuls of food pellets. I swear to god the fish can hear the crank turning, and will show up at the nearest railing, blooping expectantly at whoever happens to be standing there and doing their best to appear starving and desperate.
Like this.^ And they weren’t the only ones who learned to associate the sound with the imminent arrival of food. The Canada geese knew a good deal when they saw one, and had long since ceased to migrate anyway. They formed roving gangs of thug-geese and staked out their turf around the vending machines, ready to mug anyone with pocket change. Picture yourself as a small child squaring off with a bird as big as you are fully prepared to strip search you while standing on your feet and yelling “HWAAAAAKK!!” in your face. It’s deeply traumatizing to you and incredibly hilarious to your parents.
Anyway.
The flamingos had their spot near the zoo entrance and never seemed to mind the presence of the other birds, as they kept themselves to themselves and didn’t really like the taste of fish pellets. The problem lay in that their shrimp pond was close to a vending machine. Ordinarily that wouldn’t have been an issue at all, but eventually the goose population grew large enough that one of the gangs decided to annex it. Being territorial little shits, they would harass the poor flamingos any time they strayed within ten feet of it. The flamingos tolerated this for years until one day they snapped collectively. Here’s a summary of the incident in chronological order.
1.) It was a hot day, so everyone in question both human and avian, were cranky by the time the zoo even opened. 2.) A few flamingos (let’s call them The Jets) strayed into the radius of the vending machine and were immediately confronted by the indignant hissing geese (The Sharks) 3.) Possibly due to heat and the simple fact that the geese had been giant douchebags for far too long, the flamingos decided fuck it, this time they were going to FIGHT BACK DAMMIT, and swarmed the geese en masse. 4.) Chaos ensued. The geese were outnumbered 4 to 1 but had the advantage of being able to scream for back-up. 5.) Hearing the shrieking Canada geese and the bellowing of the enraged flamingos, the peacocks came to the conclusion that the apocalypse had come upon them and began to gather in the surrounding trees in droves and wail in despair. Or cheer them on, whichever. 6.) NOISE 7.) Apparently one of the siege tactics employed by geese is to shit explosively all over everything. 8.) The geese, having secured reinforcements from all over the zoo, went berserk and proceeded to attack EVERYBODY who had come to watch be they human or otherwise. 9.) The flamingos were chasing/being chased by the geese through the crowd accompanied by cheers/wails from the peacocks in the box seats. 10.) Complete pandemonium when the zoo tram became stalled by the flamingo pond due to battling birds. The Jets, sensing these were somehow reinforcements on the side of the Sharks, charged the tram. Adults were doing the duck and cover. Small children were screaming, adding to the noise. People were slipping on goose shit and hitting the ground in the fetal position, only to be stampeded by the rampaging flamingos. 11.) The koi continued to bloop hopefully for food. 12.) Two of the geese were cornered by a rival gang of their own and were chased into the swan pond. Cue slow-motion. 13.) The swans detected an enemy presence in their territory and by god, SOMEBODY was going to PAY. 14.) The staff were having no luck in breaking up the fight and on the verge of giving up and just building another zoo elsewhere when the hellbirds stormed the battlefield, trumpeting battle-cries, to dispense feathered justice. The staff promptly dropped their brooms and fled. 15.) Birds scattered in all directions. Up, down, sideways. Some people not present in the park circle swear a couple of geese flat out teleported into the petting zoo. A few ducks vanished in the chaos, presumably eaten by the swans. 16.) Two of the zookeepers barricaded themselves in the snack bar and refused to come out. 17.) The uprising was squashed in less than two minutes. Number of casualties was unknown, feathers were flying everywhere and there was enough goose shit to build another bird. One staff member had been knocked to the ground and was left with a melon sized bruise courtesy of one of the hellbirds. Several children were traumatized, probably for life. The zoo eventually removed the vending machine by the flamingos.
The geese went back to being giant douchebags. Because geese*.
Addendum: Somehow, my aunt D got hold of this story and posted a link along with the comment: “This sounds exactly like our zoo!” Zookeeping cousin replied: “This was exactly our zoo.”
*I’m really not kidding. This is a photo, taken at our zoo, of a gorilla being chased by one of the thug geese.
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