tonystarksfabulousass:

so i’d like to talk about the best day of tony’s life – aka the day he discovered captain america’s criminal record

so tony’s constantly digging where he shouldn’t, yeah? always rooting around through shield most classified files both for the hell of it and for actual information, so imagine his absolute delight when he discovers a file concerning one Steven G. Rogers, a file that’s completely sealed and has been since Cap himself first appeared on the scene.

Jarvis informs him that it appears to be a criminal record, and after a brief bit of laughter tony figures that thats actually not that suprising; after all, steve used to get beaten up a lot before the serum, there must be quite a few incidents that old stevie’s been included in, the poor kid.

but tony being tony, he’s gotta crack that thing open anyway, for funsies. it might just be a list of times steve got picked on but you never know, maybe one day he snapped and beat someone to death with a trashcan lid or something. so tony un-seals the document – which he really shouldnt be able to do but he’s tony stark, and he can so he will – and holy actual motherfucking s h it

tony starts laughing again and this time it carries on until hes almost hyperventillating, tears rolling down his cheeks as he reads through the seventy-four separate incident reports, almost every single one of which steve initiated. bar fights, back-alley fights, protests and brawls and even a couple of lab raids – turns out that steve is responsible for letting loose a heard of cows in brooklyn one summer because some company had given them an experimental drug that ended up causing extensive skin problems.

perhaps the icing on tonys completely unexpected but unbelievebly welcom cake is that attatched to steve’s criminal record is bucky’s, which once unsealed reveals that buck was involved in almost every single one of steve’s incidents; not because bucky helped start any of them, but because that skinny little fuck could only throw a punch that would only do damage to his own fucking hand and bucky had to keep jumping in and saving steve’s ass, because that sure as hell apparently didnt stop him from throwing them at any available opportunity.

tony takes a second from his laughing fit to mourn shield; the poor bastards who never saw what a pain in the ass steve would turn out to be because they were fucking dumb enough to seal away the one document that would’ve told them everything they needed to know about steven grant rogers, little shit.