I’m working on some TF: Paradise stuff but these are my new warmups/cooldowns and while they’re really only funny to me so far, I promise you, they are very funny (to me)
My favorite one is “way too open about his personal problems” because it’s honestly a 50-50 shot if it’s about Tarantulas or Starscream.
This is a GQ article that just came out and is possibly the gayest thing I’ve ever read. Props to the interviewer for doing her level best to get Gal Godot to ‘teach her how to fight’ (read: throw her down in the sand)
i do too–i drank the same superjuice, just a little more watered down–but back during the war i didn’t really tell anyone about that. so since steve’s vision was best, he was always the point man on nighttime operations with the Howlies. this worked out pretty well–he could spot terrain problems and walk us around them, and he could see a nazi scout coming well before he saw us.
but every once in a while, some particularly sneaky bastard would get the drop on him.
on one particular occasion, we were on our way back from an op, and crossing through a disputed area in the evening. we’d been warned that the nazis were trying to send spies through, so we were on the lookout. steve was on point.
somehow, despite having the eyes of a goddam bald eagle, steve did not see this guy coming.
the guy–a nazi spy–was hardly invisible. he had a big, bulky backpack, civilian clothes, and a Walther PPK. he popped out of a shrub with his pistol and steve never saw him coming–but luckily steve’s got the instincts of a tiny angry human target who used to get jumped in dark alleys on a regular basis, and he bopped him with the shield before the nazi could fire. well, i say bopped–it was the sort of wild swing you take with a frypan when someone startles you in the kitchen.
the spy flew a good three feet through the air and landed on his side–
and exploded into a flock of pigeons.
after the fact, we realized that the spy’s backpack was actually a wooden cage containing half a dozen homing pigeons, intended to carry back messages from allied territory. when he fell, it split apart, releasing a bunch of terrified birds to fly back, empty handed (empty winged?), to a nazi base. but at the time, it was like a magic trick–one moment there was a nazi spy, the next, a flock of birds!
the look of shock and surprise on steve’s face was incredible. you could see on his face a split second where he asked himself can i punch people so hard they turn into birds now? did i grow a new superpower? what the hell was in that serum?
he realized the truth moments later, but i could see it–the brief seconds where flashes of a pigeon empire flew through his head.
i’m sick of doom-and-gloom, 2edgy4u urban fantasies with angsty Chosen Ones™ and constant hard darkness and entirely too many werewolves. so here’s a list of kinder urban fantasy things:
• pharmacies run by faeries who can tell what you need with a single touch and who are tipped with dollar coins and drawstring pouches of sugar (don’t worry, they have human employees to handle the iron supplements)
• dryads who tend to the parks and sidewalk trees and have the ability to purify little patches of air for asthmatics who have difficulty breathing in the polluted city air
• tiny water sprites living in public fountains who use the coins people make wishes with to buy thimblefuls of coffee– once they’ve granted the wish to the best of their ability, of course
• sphinxes who guard libraries and only ask riddles at the level each passing person is capable of answering
• and werewolves too, I suppose, but they don’t sit around angsting all day about being monsters because there’s a monthly bus service that takes them to special parks just outside the city where they can spend the night running around and roughhousing without hurting anyone. they also get the next two days following the full moon off from work since wolfing is very tiring.
because while cities can be hard, dark, unfriendly places, they’re also vibrant and bright and full of all kinds of wonderful people
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