There are plenty of night, probably the majority, where Bruce is 100% committed to the role of Batman. Just living and breathing the pursuit of justice and crashing through the skylight of the latest hideout and just snarling the villain-of-the-night’s name all “RIDDLER!”
But then there are nights where he’s just so fucking done. He’s still out there giving 110% but radiating exhaustion and exasperation the entire time. The villain’s waiting for his inevitable arrival, all the henchmen’s eyes trained on the windows and the roof, but instead Bruce just slams the door open one-handed, casually knocking out a henchman, and glowers wearily. “What the fuck, Ed?”
like why would you pull someones pants down in public or like put them in danger or humiliate them when you can just baffle them by leaving tiny plastic camels all over their house or taping bill cosby’s face over every single face in every picture in their house?
Last year the seniors had a mariachi band follow the principle for 3 hours
Confuse, don’t abuse 😉
MY NEW MOTTO
The best prank I ever pulled was to a college roommate. April 1st was approaching, and I told my roommate that I was going to prank him. He responded that he had classes that morning and afternoon and a gaming group that night and that we wouldn’t even see each other that day. I responded that his room wasn’t going anywhere. He said he would just lock his room and there was nothing I could do about it.
What he didn’t know is that I had a key to his room.
So, on the evening of April 1, I unlocked his door, left it barely ajar, and did absolutely nothing else.
When my roommate got back that night, I heard him go to his door, say “oh no” in a horrified way, and carefully enter his room.
He then spent a good hour searching his room (fruitlessly, obvs) for pranks.
I’ll never do better than that.
The graduating class before mine (I went to a fairly small school, so this was a graduating class of about 70 people) all brought marbles with them to graduation. When the superintendent handed them their diplomas and shook their hands, each graduate handed him a marble in turn. He had to start handing them over to the other people on the stage when his pockets filled up. By the end of the ceremony, there were about five men in suits with the pockets full of marbles. It was lowkey hilarious, and I’m not usually a fan of pranks.
We did the marble thing too! Except there were 350 of us. He got all of the marbles.
When my mom was in college, a number of engineering students conspired to build a scaffolding and turn a giant bronze statue 180 degrees to face the other way. They evidently practiced at night at turning a car around to get the whole procedure down, then snuck up at night and turned the statue.
The only damage that happened was a supporting pin being broken while the official people put it back the right way.
the penguin fur guy just got his phd and is currently drunkenly yelling in french in the group chat so that’s a heartwarming update to a classic post for ya
He’s trying
I put that into Google translate, and either the app is wrong or that middle text is “I’m spices”.
so i fell asleep at my desk for a few seconds and woke up abruptly to the thought “WHO CARES!? THESE ARE ASSLESS CHAPS!!!” burning through my mind
i dont understand
It’s ok, I woke up two weeks ago to slapping my knuckles over my desk, and swore loudly. Only problem was that I suddenly had a thick Brooklyn accent, and thought I was a 1940s mobster for 30 seconds upon waking.
I LOVE STUFF LIKE THIS?
I did the same thing once, where when I woke up I seriously thought I was Superman for at least a good minute or so. I was reaching for my phone thinking, “Oh my God, I’ve been hiding it this whole time, I’ve gotta tell my boyfriend I’m superman.” And as I was very tiredly and sloppily writing the text I stopped what I was doing and was like, “What the fuck.”
Yes. More. I need more stories.
one morning i woke up absolutely convinced that my mom had faked her husbands death for tax purposes and i was so mad cuz i had to go to his stupid funeral with his dumb family and i thought we had finally gotten rid of him all for it to be a lie then like half an hour later im like “wait…” I told her about it later and she told me faking his death wouldnt have done much for her tax wise at all
Mine are always like “Oh fuck someone I love has died.” which is pretty scary to wake up to. But my favorite wtf one is that I woke up and I expected to wake up like at 12pm, I’d set an alarm for it etc….
I woke up at 8pm.
My immediate reaction to it being dark outside?
“Oh fuck it’s nuclear winter”
I once dreamed that I was a pirate tying a lot of knots for sail-hoisting purposes. Woke up to find that I’d wrapped our kitten in about three blankets. He wouldn’t sleep within arm’s reach of me for two years after that.
Another time, I was woken up by lightning striking a tree in our yard, and I genuinely thought I was somewhere to do with cannons for about 10 seconds.
And then there was that time I was dreaming about boring house things, walked outside, found a canyon in our yard, woke up, got out of bed, walked downstairs, went outside, saw a flying saucer, woke up, got out of bed, had breakfast, and spent the whole day quietly expecting that I was about to wake up.
Brains are weird and sometimes they forget how to reality.
Oh my god I love this.
My sister once went and woke up or dad to ask for lunch money and he asked her if she’d gotten the rubies yet and she said no and he told she had to get the rubies first and so she left and came back a little while later to ask again and he asked her if she’d gotten the rubies yet and she said yes and he told her okay and that she could take the $10 in his wallet.
I once had a dream that my house (and everything in it) was being claimed by loan sharks because I was so poor/in debt/or something, in my dream. I then woke up panicking/crying and looking around, confused as to why everything was still in my room. It took at least 20 seconds for me to figure out why.
I came out of like 1 second of microsleep with the idea that Plants vs. Zombies had introduced a Charging Mooseflower.
I once woke up, and very deliberately bashed my head into the wall. For some reason I thought that was really important to do.
mine are always like weird random phrases that are just in my head and seem vitally important like one time i woke and thought to myself “a dead man’s mouth must taste like cabbage”
once while in a hotel room i had a nightmare about trying to escape from a nuclear apocalypse. i failed, and got asploded. my mental movie screen went black for a long moment, and then i woke up to see the words SHIT HAPPENS written on the hotel room wall in cheerful birthday cake cursive.
i stared at this for what felt like a good 15 minutes, checking that yes i was definitely awake, my spouse was snoring behind me, i was in the hotel room where i was supposed to be, and yet the words were definitely right there… until suddenly they weren’t, and it was just the shadow of a tree outside.
being wide awake in every way except the shadows are randomly making fun of your cold war PTSD… that was the weirdest goddamn morning.
I have woken up and punched the nearest wall to my bed on several occasions
Another time I woke up and head butted a wall
I woke a friend up for work once and she was just like “so it’s time to make the shields for the invasion?” She didn’t understand why I was laughing for like 3 minutes
I was on holiday in Japan about three months after I finished my masters degree, and woke up at about 4am absolutely convinced I had an assignment due in the morning that I’d not yet started or submitted… to the point that I got out of bed, turned my laptop on and was about to startit. It only then occurred to me, when staring at the backlit screen, that the degree ended months ago, that I was not in my bedroom, and I was in another bloody country trying to relax.
I once woke up to the fire alarm and a room filled with smoke, only to realize five panic stricken seconds later that it was a car alarm outside and I was staring at my white wall.
i woke up in my hotel room in australia to someone having pulled the fire alarm but i was completely convinced it was a tsunami alarm and that I could see the wave right outside the window and i just fuckin bolted out that room and left my family behind and i almost ran straight out the from door until some people in the lobby were like excuse me miss what the hell are you doing
I distinctly remember waking up once and my first, instant thought was the specific phrase “wait…aliens aren’t allowed to ride bicycles…”
I once had a very involved dream about defending a castle with a very large, oddly shaped moat. I woke up with the word “Caerphilly” in my head and the absolute certainty that I needed to get to the castle. My mom thought my subconscious was telling me “carefully,” but I was convinced it was the name of the castle. I googled it. Caerphilly Castle is in Wales. And it has a very large, oddly shaped moat. I have never been to Wales.
I once woke up one morning to see a man’s big hairy leg sticking out from under the covers in my bed. I flipped out for a good few seconds before I realized that it was, in fact, my own unshaven leg.
Incredible
I once woke up, convinced I had Mr. Fantastic stretching powers.
I was rather disappointed
one time i had a dream that i got perfect grades and that my mom had told me so. i said ok and went back to sleep.
three days later, awake, i asked my mom if she was joking when she said this. she was understandably confused
alright but what if every single one of the harry potter main characters eventually have a kid that they name “Fred” without knowing anyone else also did this (so now there’s fred potter, fred weasley, fred longbottom, etc) except they’re friends so all their kids are friends and as soon as one of them gets in trouble someone’s yelling “FRED” and 3-6 kids are turning around going “WHAT DID I DO” and I think that’s exactly the kind of chaotic legacy Fred would’ve liked to leave
So I’m watching HGTV and I’m just wondering how none of these people ever ask for a library ??? They all want huge kitchens, and open floor plans and none of them mention a library?! Come on Jane, how tf are you spending $940,000 on a home with NO library?!? You uncultured swine.
Now I want a househunters/remodel type show except instead of the adventures of a plant-container matchmaker and an internet survey filler and their six hundred thousand dollar budget, it’s people with odd tastes or lifestyle quirks that have some particular special requirement for their new house to have and the hosts get in charge of finding a home and having it put in, presumably looking like Steve Harvey losing his faith in humanity the whole time.
Like, Dorothy and Janice want a dining room inspired by the Paris Catacombs, complete with bones stacked up the walls and woven into the ceiling. Aaron is hugely into botany and wants to turn all the spare bedrooms into three entirely different microclimates and the hosts are begging him to put the rainforest plants in the bathroom because at least it’s built to handle humidity already but you can’t fit them all and anyway he wants to keep it to a strict carnivorous plants only scheme.
Damien wants to turn the whole basement into a model train setup and sets the hosts to building a mountain around the furnace and water heater. Cassandra and Alex and their kids want as many secret passageways, doors, and tunnels as can be fit into the house without breaking code.
Eric wants a swimming pool in the basement, Jeanette wants a climbing wall in the attic, Tom and Lisa want a completely authentic fifties house with fifties-era everything, Monica and Vicky and Tamar have twenty-seven snakes, Tony wants everything in his house to look like a room on the starship Enterprise, Amber wants a church-sized pipe organ
and its three thousand pipes
in her living room , and Sasha wants leopard print walls and a two-thousand-gallon saltwater aquarium that requires reinforcing the foundation.
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