I feel that we as a fandom are not being sufficiently appreciative of Tony’s explanation of the fight with Ebony Maw being “He’s from space. He came here to steal a necklace from a wizard.”
What I love about that moment is that it shows just how good a communicator Tony is in a combat situation and how accustomed he is, by now, to command. He knew Peter wouldn’t blow him off if he said something ludicrous, so he gave him exactly what he would need to understand the situation in two bare bones sentences.
He said less than a haiku.
He didn’t even have to say which side he and Peter were on, because “from space” and “came to steal” implied that information.
And then when they actually got hold of Strange, all he had to say was “That’s the wizard” and Peter knew a) exactly what was going on and b) exactly what to do.
I need to send you this relic of the Old Internet- inky caps growing from a bath towel. That towel was so dirty, that when it was nice and moist after a good re-use for god knows what in a teenager’s bathroom, it was quickly colonized and fruited upon. (submitted by @cultivating-echo)
*academic voice* theres a lot to unpack here
this image has such a charged energy i literally cant believe this like look at this shit. like lets break this down. the two mushrooms, in comparison to the apparent size of the towel and the clothing piles around it, are fucking massive. like literally i have never seen a mushroom that tall outside of textbooks and never in my life would i think that i would see mushrooms, like real ass basidiomycetes that size, growing on a fucking bath towel. also, there are TWO of them. this means that these two fungi growing on the towel were like this is too good of an opportunity to pass up we gotta put up TWO sex organs. the shaky camera/slight blur of this makes it looks like a screenshot from a mid-2000s indie slenderman film like u find a flash drive on the street and this is the only image on it and seven days later u wake up and theres a mushroom sprouted ominously in the middle of ur room with a knife taped to it. also i cannot for the life of me figure out how this could have happened like do u know how little. just like how LITTLE we know about how to grow mushrooms. we know NOTHING. the commercial industry funnels SO much money into research and STILL for like 80% of mushroom species (the kind of mushrooms you have on pizza are a notable exception), we do not know how to make commercial farms for them. people put their lives into trying to create the most perfect conditions in which to sprout mushrooms and they just. they do not care at all. this image resonates with me so much because it carries such a strong message about the nature of mushrooms like the sheer nihilism of this image is absolutely astounding like people are really out there with like state of the art equipment and its just like ‘fuck you i shall grow upon this filthy towel you peasants, you fools, you absolute buffoons. you are but ozymandias in the desert compared to me. fetchith me the axe body spray, knave’
Steve Irwin travels back and forth between heaven and hell to make the most watched TV show as of yet: The Crocodile Hunter vs. Satan’s Abominations
Transcription of Celestial T.V. Spot: Steve Irwin’s Abyssal Creatures, #S15-2. Location: The Abyss, Layer #66, the Demonweb. Starring Steve Irwin, Directed by Inias, Produced by Metatron, All rights reserved: Celestial Broadcasting Center (CBC) and The Lord, He Who Is On High. Reproduction and/or distribution without express permission is punishable by a fine of up to $5,000 or eternity in Hell.
BEGIN TRANSCRIPTION
Steve Irwin crouches beside a gnarled tree covered in thick webbing.
STEVE: G’day, I’m Steve Irwin. I’m here in the Abyss today, on layer 66, which you may know as the “Demonweb.” Come on over here. Let me show you a real beauty. (indicates creature). That big fella right there is called a bebilith. She must be four and a half meters tall. Now look at those legs! Those legs! Wow! Those legs could skewer me in one bad step. Or a good step if she’s looking for it (laugh).
The bebilith drinks moaning souls from a steaming cesspool, then scuttles over to a stone spire to begin covering it in webbing.
STEVE: She’s got eight legs like an arachnid, but she’s no ordinary house spider, I can tell you. She’s also got those big old claws. See that curve at the end like a fish hook? Or I guess pry-bar is a better comparison because she’ll take those wicked beauties and put them right here (indicates sternum) and tear me open like a bag of crisps. We’ll try to avoid that today (laugh). Come on, let’s try to get a closer look.
Steve carefully stalks closer and pauses when the bebilith looks at him.
STEVE: Here we are. She’s taken notice of me. Get a look at those eyes. They’ve got the visage of damned souls in there, and she’s trying to bind me with fear, because that’ll make me easy prey. If I’m afraid, I’ll freeze. I’m not that easy mate. Nice try. I’m making small movements to show I’m not paralyzed with fear, but I’m still taking it slow so she doesn’t perceive me as a threat. That’s it, mate. That’s it, mate.
Steve moves closer.The bebilith produces webbing from its backside and flings some at Steve. He dodges and circles the bebilith slowly.
STEVE: Boy! What a right trick she’s got. (laugh). Did you see what she did there? That webbing’s not actually all that dangerous. None of the toxins you’ll see in the Nest Shriekers, and nowhere near the tensile strength of a Derragon. She’s just trying to pin me down, even for a moment. But if she’s got that moment, she’ll charge and then it’s all over for old Steve. Let’s not give her that moment, what do you say? (laugh). Come on, Mate. That’s it. Come on.
Steve approaches to within arms length of the bebilith. It remains stationary, but watches him.
STEVE: She’s still trying to figure me out. I’m not all that bad. You’re a beauty. Wow, look at that chitin. Imagine a Archon’s Sword on that armor. She’s like a tank. (bebilith shifts). Whoa, mate. Let’s keep away from those claws. Whoa, mate. Come on, mate. There we go. (laugh). That’s right. I’m trying to put her at ease. A lot of people think demon’s are composed of pure chaos and evil, and that couldn’t be farther from the truth. They’re just the lovely little gifts we get from the Abyssal Maw. They just need respect. Don’t take that to mean you should walk right up and pet one, though. Don’t forget, I’m a professional. Just look at her. Wow!
BEBILITH: (Abyssal curses)
STEVE: Listen to that. Doesn’t that just amaze you? What a commanding voice. What a majestic sound. She’s got a real range of vocalizations that she can use to warn off intruders or plant the seeds of madness in the mortal mind. It’s a beauty. Wow. Now, you may notice I’m keeping to her side right here. That’s for good reason, friends. I told you about her claws, but I’m also keeping some distance from that wicked pair of mandibles she has there. Look at them. Wow! Must be 20 centimeters long. If she bites down on me, she’ll pump a good half-liter of poison right into my veins that’ll seize up my muscles in the blink of an eye. (laugh). Then I’m ripe for the picking. Boy, what a bad day that would be. You’ve got a thousand ways to kill, don’t you, mate?
The bebilith turns away from him and begins etching arcane runes into a bleached human skull with a sharp claw. Steve wraps his arms around a leg in a hug-like embrace.
STEVE: There we go, girl. There we go girl. (petting her). I can call her “girl” now because we’re in love. She knows I’m not here to hurt her, and I know she’s not interested in laying a clutch of eggs in my intestines. She may look like a giant spider-crab made of spines, but I know she’s just a big softy. We were lucky to find her today. Here in the Demonweb, bebiliths are becoming harder and harder to find. Layer 66 in general is shrinking as other infinite layers grow and spring into existence. It could get squeezed down until our girl doesn’t have the habitat to sustain her soul harvests any longer. What a shame. But that’s just the way of life in the Abyss.
Steve touches the bebilith for a moment longer, then carefully backs away towards the camera.
STEVE: In a few millennia we might see the layer bounce back, and hopefully our girl here will still be going strong. Until then, we’ll let her be. Oh, look at that beauty. Wow! I hope you had as wild a time as I did here with this beautiful bebilith. I’m real excited we could make the trek all the way down here. The Abyss can be an amazing place if you know where to look. Thank you for joining me, and I hope to see you again soon on “Steve Irwin’s Abyssal Creatures.” G’day!
Wow! You had me smiling the entire read. I love the story @drrove
A better story of demons.
Also, Space Australia: Hell Edition.
I miss Steve. He was optimistic, positive, and subversive.
there are guys in my dorm who decided to play cards in the elevator
see what intrigues me about college isn’t the intellectual pursuit or the bonding or whatever, its the fact that people have the freedom to do random shit like this
Okay, everybody, I have a story about random shit in college. When I was in college, there was a particular class I took where, no matter what time you walked into class, if you made it into the room before the professor, you wouldn’t be counted late. I mean, that’s a pretty cool policy, given how some professors are really obnoxious about attendance.
Well, one time, a fellow student of mine was running late to class. As she reached the edge of the building, she saw her professor making it to the front steps (super long rectangular building here). He looks up from walking and he sees her. He then points to his watch, gives her a well-meaning “Look who’s late” face, and walks on inside.
What he didn’t know, though, was that this particular student was like freakishly good at bouldering and related climbing skills, so she was just like “Fuck it” and SCALED THE BUILDING!
She tapped on the window of the 4th floor classroom (the floors had like 20ft ceilings, so, she was quite a ways up there), nearly making one student piss himself. They opened the window, she rolled through, onto the floor, and slid into her seat about five seconds before the professor opened the door to the classroom.
He did a double take, started to say “How the hell d—” when a security guard ran in, red-faced and panting, pointed at her and bellowed “STOP DOING THAT!”
omfg the amount of fucks college kids don’t give astounds me
IVE ONLY SEEN THIS POST IN SCREENSHOTS
I LOVE THE IMPLICATION THAT THIS STUDENT HAS A REPUTATION FOR SCALING THE BUILDINGS
Okay. So. I teach Constitutional Law at a relatively well-regarded university. This is a 500 level course and you need my permission to enroll.
My students are, by and large, good students who are used to being good students.
I present to you a list of shit my students have pulled:
Climbed up to the fifth floor to slip through a window as in the aforementioned example. Only: I do not take attendance. I give not a fuck if you are late as long as you are not disruptive. She did it anyway.
while playing Humans vs Zombies: One of my students spotted an opposing team member through the window. Looked me dead in the eye and said: “I have to do this. Don’t hate me.” Pulled their headband on, popped open the window, scaled down the side of the building and pelted pel-mel after said opposing team member.
Later collected their things from my office shame-faced, but only because they had not actually captured the opposing member.
Sang the entirety of Cabinet Battle #1 from Hamilton to me.
the entire class.
Emailed me at 1am to settle an argument regarding the implications of the Murr v Wisconsin case on urban development projects in California
A trio of them–also all on the moot court team that I coach–spotted me outside the local cigar bar, pointed to me, and, while visibly inebriated, recited the entirety of Preamble of the Declaration of Independence to me.
When queried as to why they did this they said “It looked like a thing you needed to hear right now.”
Spent two months responding to any question I asked them during lecture with: “If it pleases the Court ….”
All showed up with barrister’s wigs and spent the entire class acting like they were not, in fact, wearing ridiculous white wigs on their heads
Emailed me at 3am to ask which case was controlling regarding search and seizure cases: US v. Padilla or Warden v. Hayden
answer: both are still technically good law, please provide context?
context never given.
flooded my mail box with little origami cranes made from different pages of the US Constitution
I keep all of them in a little glass jar
Sang the entirety of “I’m Just A Bill On Capitol Hill”
changed all of their ring tones to “Lawyers, Guns and Money,” sent off a mass text triggering everyone’s phones so it was just 146 phones all playing that song for 30 seconds.
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