Extremely. It seems like most of my good friends LOVE goats, so, by extension, they should love me better the more I resemble one.
I had a goatee but I had to shave it because people kept coming up to me and asking if they could touch it. These are high school students we’re talking about too, not little kids. I had to shave it to maintain my sanity
I know a lot of high school kids follow me, so understand that I say this lovingly, but teens are second only to kindergarteners in terms of abject weirdness.
i walked out of my apartment this morning and a five year old kid was playing outside and immediately he pointed at my aparment and was like “some chinese people used to live there. now someone else does”
and i was like… you mean that one? and pointed at my apartment, the one i literally just walked out of
and he was like “yeah”
and i was like……….. yeah…
the other day I was coming back from work and as I’m walking up to my apartment, he runs up to me with two fistfuls of grass and yells DON’T STEP ON THIS GRASS IT’S FOR THE BUNNIES and drops it in the middle of the sidewalk and i’m just like okay!! 😀
this morning I left for work and I heard a tapping noise, so I looked up and he was in the second floor window waving goodbye
today I was walking to my door and he ran up to me and yelled DID YOU KNOW SOMEONE IS COMING and i was like WHOA NO WHO’S COMING
and he tells the girl beside him YOU TELL HIM so she tells me “there’s a guide coming! and he’s invisible!” and ofc i’m like WHOA THAT’S SO COOL and the boy tells me that he’s arriving by helicopter. and the helicopter is also invisible and you can’t hear it either! so I ask why he’s coming and they tell me it’s because it’s his birthday and he’ll be here at exactly 6:00
they’re gonna ring my doorbell at 6 so I can tell the invisible man in the invisible helicopter happy birthday before he flies away
so i said happy birthday to him and they showed me his invisible helicopter and then informed me that I misheard them and that the invisible man was, in fact, God
okay so TODAY i came home from work and he came up to me and was like “i rang your doorbell earlier” and so I told him I wasn’t home and asked what he needed me for and he was like
“i had a question”
so I was like alright what was your question
and he goes “do you have a kitchen?” and I was like… uhh yeah I’ve got a kitchen
Presumably, if adult humans are weird, then human kids must be weird as well. But of course, since aliens probably wouldn’t interact with human children too much, there might not be much about them in the human guide.
Imagine a human leaving her kid with an alien friend because her SO is sick and none of her human crewmates are able to act as babysitter and she’s got an important meeting. So she goes to the meeting and the alien takes her kid to one of the rooms in the ship that acts as a sort of play area.
Then, when the human comes out of the meeting, she picks her phone up and sees that she has some missed calls…
1st call: “Hey, Katie, it’s me, Grit. I know you’re probably in the meeting by now and can’t answer your phone, but I was just wondering… Jackie’s been chasing the other kids a lot, is she hunting them? Is that part of the whole predatory instincts thing? They all seem to be having fun— at least I think so, they’re all making that weird noise you guys make— but I just thought I’d let you know. And, um, listen… she’s not going to try and eat the ones she catches, is she?”
2nd call: “Hi, Katie, Grit again— look, I know that you guys are descended from tree climbing mammals and so your offspring need climbing equipment to satisfy those instincts— but there’s no way she’s supposed to be that high, right? None of the other parents are doing anything and I can’t go up and get her down because my hooves can’t get a grip on the frame. She’s right on top and— NO!<incomprehensible noises that sound like a cross between the moo of a cow and the bray of a donkey>— okay, so she’s swinging from the bars. One of the other humans just explained that that’s normal. He’s offered me some coffee, but I said no because I’m pretty sure that stuff’s toxic. I’ll try not to call again unless there is an emergency.”
3rd call: “I’m so sorry, Jackie’s been injured. She tripped over and seems to have lost a layer of skin from her knee. She’s making these noises and there’s liquid coming from her eye sockets and I don’t know what to do! Please pick up! There’s blood and the coffee offering human keeps saying she should suck the blood out or something. Is that a thing? Does your species’ saliva have healing properties? Shoud I call a medic?! Please pick up!”
4th call: “Sorry for that last message. Jackie seems to be doing fine now. I don’t know how— she should be laid out for weeks after an injury like that! Please, for my sanity, can you get a human babysitter next time?”
Being an American today is like watching your house slowly catch on fire and not being able to do anything about it and freaking out, when suddenly you hear a “BOOM!” behind you and it’s Britain, their house just exploded and is REALLY on fire and you, helpless, just wave hello from across the street.
who wants to buy this book I will never get around to writing
Chapter 1: Haha Just Kidding, ADD Was Made Up By Pfizer. Anyway Unrelated I Am Uniquely Bad At Being Alive and No One Can Figure Out Why
Chapter 2: Where Did I Put That? Nope, It’s Gone
Chapter 3: Why Being Bored Is Literally The Same As Dying
Chapter 4: ADD And Your Love Life: Why Bother?
Chapter 5: A Short Story I Drew About A Little Rabbit Named Herbert Who Goes On Adventures
Chapter 6: I Don’t Have Time To Not Be Photoshopping
Chapter 7: You Interrupted Me in the Middle of Tetris And Other Reasons I’ll Be Making Your Life A Sulky Hell All Day
Chapter 8: Where Can A Grown-Up Go to Scream? (Nowhere.)
Chapter 9: You Just Told Me Huge News About Your Life, but I Don’t Know What It Was Because There’s a TV in the Corner of This Bar
Chapter 10: I Would Love to Tell You Why I Am Crying, but I Already Forgot. It’s Just Happening Now
Chapter 11: Bankruptcy
Chapter 12: I Have Walked into This Room Five Times and Neglected to Address The Reason I Originally Did So Each Time
Chapter 13: Public Embarrassment: Is it Real?
Chapter 14: All the Facts I Learned When I Read Wikipedia for Five Hours Yesterday
Chapter 15: You’re Right, This Is Exactly The Same As When You Feel Sort of Unfocused Half An Hour Before You Leave Work
Chapter 16: Will My Employer Believe Me When I Let Them Know I Have a Learning Disability and Mental Illness or Will They Keep Assuming That I Don’t Care Enough About My Job To Listen to Instructions the First Time
Chapter 17: Thank God You’re Here to Argue With Me that I Don’t Have This Diagnosis Invented to Explain Why Small Children are Fidgety. Oh Good, You Have Examples of Times I was Productive and Calm
Chapter 18: That Was Hilarious, Please Tell Me More Stories of Times I Couldn’t Figure Out Something That Was Common Sense
Chapter 19: Goodnight Sweet Book I’ll Never Finish
Chapter 20: I Couldn’t Do It Right The First Time I Tried, Burn the Evidence
Chapter 21: I Could Say Something, or I Could Say it in My Head Where No One Will Hear it if the Words or Syllables are in the Wrong Order, Assuming I’m Using The Correct Words At All Instead of Mismatching Them
Chapter 22: 5pm, Time For Breakfast
Chapter 23: Following Directions on a Piece of Paper. Just Kidding it’s Still Under The Pile on My Desk.
Chapter 24: “Just Do It” Well Fuck Why Didn’t I Think of That. Goddamn Genius Doctor Superman Over Here.
Chapter 25: People that Walk Around Without Gesturing to a Conversation Only They Are Having. How Do They Do It?
Chapter 26: This Book Is Too Long, Do You Actually Expect Me To Read All Of This
Chapter 27: Guess What I Did With My Free Day
Chapter 28: My Academic Career Is Falling Apart
Chapter 29: Why You Never Turn In Homework
Chapter 30: I Would Write Study Tips But I Literally Once Procrastinating Studying For Finals By Putting Sticky Tabs In My Math Book Instead Of Actually Studying
Chapter 31: Maintaining Relationships
Is Difficult
Chapter 32: Doesn’t Everybody Struggle With Basic Self Care?
Chapter 33: I feel thirsty; I think I’ll make a cup of tea.
Chapter 34: Why is there a cold cup of tea on the cupboard?
Every time…
Chapter 35: Let Me Tell You About the Wonders of Hyperfocus and How I Stayed Awake for Two Days Because I Didn’t Have Plans and Nobody Distracted Me From the Internet Until I Literally Passed Out. Twice.
Chapter 36: Did That Happen Yesterday or Three Years Ago?
Chapter 37: Did That Actually Happen or Was It A Dream?
Chapter 38: I Went Three Months in the Dark Because I Forgot the Lightbulb Was Broken Until I Needed It at Night.
Chapter 39: I Need a List to Tell Me What to Write a List For.
Chapter 40: What is a Normal Sleep Phase?
Chapter 41: I Really, Genuinely Want to Watch That TV Show, But Realistically It’s Never Going to Happen
Chapter 42: What Did I Do With the Form My Insurance Sent Me to Get That $77 Check Reissued That I Forgot to Cash Last Winter
Chapter 43: I Wrote a Really Tight Discussion Section for This Article In My Head Between 4 and 6 This Morning, But It’s Gone Now
Chapter 44: All The Essays I Started Writing But Then Took A Break From So I Can Never Pick Them Up Again
Chapter 45: 101 I’m A Bad Person Who Should Try Harder, If I Can Remember To Finish The List
50 species of lizard and one species of snake reproduce through parthenogenesis (that’s the fancy word for producing offspring as a female without having sex).
Except.
Whiptails are stimulation ovulators. That is to say, they can’t ovulate without having sex.
So not only do they are give birth through immaculate conception, they’re ALL LESBIANS.
There are two kinds of parthenogenesis seen in reptiles. That used by whiptails and the other all female species is true cloning – the egg contains the female’s full genetic material).
Other species including komodo dragons use another form of parthenogenesis where they actually fertilize themselves, with a haploid polar body used instead of a sperm. Because of the way reptile sex chromosomes work, this form of parthenogenesis can produce males as well as females – however, the females produced have weird sex chromosomes and can only lay other females. It’s used as a backup reproductive strategy if they can’t find a mate. This works because in reptiles, unlike mammals, its the males that have two sex chromosomes the same (ZZ) and the females different (ZW). Females produced by parthenogenesis are WW – and that’s what happened to the whiptails. They lost the Z chromosome and now are all WWs.
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