FFS, both times I’ve hauled my sick ass out on turtle-rescuing duty today, I forgot the camera! But, turtle successfully herded/carried/herded/carried (you get the idea) to the local pond, where she will hopefully stay and avoid future contact with cars. (Don’t worry, she’s not injured, just scuffed and displeased.)
Florida Softshell Turtle:
They’re utter sweethearts, they have silky soft awesome feets (even if they’re slapping you!) and they’re endangered because people are assholes.
This is one doing the “LOOK AT MY HEAD!” pose:
edit: Conflicting sources on whether or not they’re endangered, but try not to kill them anyway, as they are awesome.
edit-edit: They’re known to be aggressive towards humans, especially when handled.
Maybe I’m the turtle whisperer?
This will be the cutest video you will see today. My grandparents found baby sea turtles on their doorstep this morning so they released them one by one!
please turn on your volume omg
Baby sea turtles find the ocean at night by looking for the light of the moon reflecting off of it, so they can be drawn to lights nearby by mistake. If you live near a turtle beach, turn off your porch lights.
Also, taking them to the beach they came from is absolutely the right thing to do, but with one addition: it’s best not to put them too close to the water. You have to stay nearby and watch for gulls and crabs, but female sea turtles remember their beach best if they walk down at least 10 feet of sand before hitting the water, so it’s best to place them all a distance away and let ‘em walk. They can do it, they have the energy, but they might stop and rest a couple of times on the way there. Just be prepared to wave your arms and yell if a seagull comes nearby.
the Mata mata, Mata-Mata, or Matamata(matamatamata), depending on how pedantic the biologist you’re asking is, is a large river turtle found in the Amazon Basin. they grow to around 18 inches long (shell length only) and weigh up to 33 pounds (whole damn turtle)
oh also their common name is literally Spanish for KILL-KILL, but they don’t really deserve it.
*heavy metal screaming*
the Mata mata was first described and named by European scientists in 1783, who then spent the next two hundred years fighting over the scientific name of this damn turtle. seriously, they changed it 14 times in that span. people probably lost tenure over this thing.
blood was almost definitely shed.
but it’s all worth it to bear the noble name Chelus fimbriata (as of 1992)
Mata matas live on the bottoms of shallow streams, where they blend in perfectly with the rest of the crud mucking up the bottom.
they live on a strict diet of whatever little swimmy thing happens to pass in front of them. this includes fish, frogs, crayfish, worms, weeds that kind of look like fish from a certain angle, and fingers.
Mata matas really don’t move around much, and prefer walking slowly and dramatically along the streambed to swimming. this helps prevent them from being noticed by larger predators such as the Jaguar, who loves him some sweet sweet turtle meats.
luckily the Mata matas can come up for air without giving themselves away, as they have a very special adaptation:
AAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAA.
the Mata mata’s neck is almost as long as it’s entire body! they use it to stretch their head up to the surface to breath, exactly like a snorkel but if the snorkel was really just your own devil neck.
in fact, the Mata mata’s neck is so long that the turtle cannot retract it into its shell like its relatives. they rely mostly on holding really still and looking like a gross leaf to avoid predators. would YOU eat a gross stream leaf? didn’t think so.
don’t knock it till you’ve tried it
currently many wild turtle populations are declining, or in danger of collapse due to human activity and capture for food/the pet trade. luckily, this does not seem to be the case with the Mata mata. (BREATH SIGH OF RELIEF NOW.)
Mata matas are currently listed as Least Concern and are still fairly common in the wild, but they are also increasingly common as pets (people love that weird little smirk). however, they are really fucking expensive and best left to more experienced hobbyists. Mata matas do very well in captivity because they HARDLY MOVE ANYWAY, so aquarium life isn’t much of a strain on them.
as long as they feed me I don’t really care
let’s all take a moment to be thankful for this.
goodbye for now, Mata mata!
“18 inches long (shell length only) and weigh up to 33 pounds (whole damn turtle)” made me die from laughter-induced asphyxiation
This is the red eared slider. In the past hatchling red ears were sold at roadside stands (this is still sometimes done illegally) and even after the 4 inch law made that illegal they were still sold as juveniles by many pet stores.
These turtles get massive. They need a 60-120 gallon tank at minimum, and really do best in a small pond. They also live for 20-30 years with proper care. Since these are branded as a low maintenance pet a huge number of red ears are either horribly neglected or illegally released into the wild (resulting in them becoming a horrible invasive species and out-competing native turtles).
However a lot of people seem to think that red ears are the only aquatic turtles available in the hobby and/or that almost all aquatic turtles get this big and unmanageable. But the truth is there are plenty of species that, while certainly not “easy” animals, make much better pets than the red eared slider.
A lot of turtle hobbyists will say a male southern painted is the best turtle for someone starting out. Males range between 3.5 and 5 inches (so a 35 to 50 gallon minimum tank size) and even a truly massive female would only get up to 7 inches. They are also cute, brightly colored, and very active as well as comparable in hardiness to a red eared slider. Other subspecies of painted turtle are beautiful and hardy as well, but they do grow significantly larger (some are comparable in size to a red eared slider).
My first turtle (and first reptile) was a little male southern painted. His name is Awkward and he is still probably my favorite reptile to watch because he is so active and graceful in the water.
Note: Painted turtles are native to much of the US and some states will have laws against keeping native reptiles. Make sure you are aware of your state laws.
I lumped these two species together because they are very similar in care and appearance. Stinkpots reach about 4-5 inches and three-stripes usually reach 3-4 inches.
While painted turtles and sliders are deep-water pond turtles, muds and musks are better suited to shallow water. Three-stripes especially are not the best swimmers and should have access to a sandy land area to dig in. Both species should have lots of vertical tank furniture to help them climb to the surface.
It should also be noted that muds/musks can be quite aggressive to members of their own species or to look-alike species so you should not cohabitate them. Even cohabitating them with basking turtles can be risky as they have very powerful jaws and are capable of ripping limbs off other turtles.
There are many species of map turtle in the United States, each species usually being unique to a few (or sometimes just one) rivers. They like fast moving water and as a result can be slightly more sensitive to water quality than the other two species above. They are also quite sexually dimorphic in terms of size; females of most turtle species are at least slightly larger than males, but the size difference in map turtles is extremely pronounced. This is why I specify that getting a male map turtle is important, because while a male might be a perfectly manageable turtle a female might be red eared slider sized (for this reason you must get a turtle that is old enough to be reliably sexed).
Map turtle species in which the males stay on the smaller side: Ouachita map (3.5-5 inch), black-knobbed map (3-4 inches), Texas map (2.5-4.5 inches), and Mississippi map (3-4.5 inches). There are probably other species too, but those are the ones I see available most often.
Most people probably haven’t seen these species available at a pet store (for reasons elaborated upon below), so where do you get them? Most of these species are available principally from breeders online.
STAY AWAY FROM TURTLESALE.COM AND TURTLESHACK.COM. They are horrible and regularly deliver deathly ill turtles.
TurtleSource.com is pretty fair. They are a big breeder and often have species that aren’t readily available elsewhere, but they can’t really put in the special attention to each animal that a smaller breeder can. However if you need an adult or subadult turtle they can be a good option, because most breeders only sell hatchlings most of the time.
Otherwise I would look for a breeder that works with the species you are interested in that has good reviews. The Turtle Forum is a great place to ask about reputable breeders working with your species (or you might find someone on there working with them).
What about the 4 inch law?
Astute readers will have noticed that some of the species I’ve mentioned may be under 4 inches even as adults. The 4 inch law, which was intended to prevent aquatic turtles from spreading salmonella to children, prohibits the sale of aquatic turtles under 4 inches in shell length except for genuine scientific or educational purposes. However, although that is what the law says, it has only ever been really enforced on brick-and-mortar pet stores (usually big chains like PetCo/PetSmart) and on people selling hatchling red ears at the beach,on the side of the road, etc.
Although the law itself has not been officially changed (though there was a recent attempt to create an exception for expensive turtles that would only be of interest to hobbyists) everyone seems to have kind of agreed that it doesn’t apply to online breeders that sell to hobbyists. There are lots of companies selling hatchling turtles online (or even adults that never get over 4 inches) that have never gotten in trouble. Some of them may ask you to check a box that says the turtle is for “educational or scientific purposes” (why shouldn’t educating yourself by observing a turtle count?).
Basically the law is outdated and the salmonella threat that originally caused it was overblown (you are more likely to get salmonella from peanut butter than from a turtle). Although I’m glad that the law prevents unscrupulous roadside hatchling sales it really should be re-written to exempt responsible hobbyists (especially become some turtle species never get over 4 inches).
It is also important to note that it is not illegal to BUY or OWN a turtle under 4-inches in shell length, it is only illegal to sell one (and again the precedent is that online hobbyist sales are fine, though that’s not technically been written into the law).
More questions about turtle ownership?
Austin’s Turtle Page is a great resource as is the associated Turtle Forum. I would also be happy to answer any questions you have!
There’s a whole group of turtles that fold their necks into their shells sideways rather than pulling them straight back (called sidenecks). Several of them have very long necks that they can fold back into their shell and then shoot out to grab passing prey. Snakeneck turtles have truly impressive neck reaches.
“Don’t mind me, Mr. Fish, I just have a short little neck I definitely couldn’t reach all the way over…”
“JUST KIDDING YES I CAN”
They have such cute creepy little faces. If they didn’t all get so big I would love to have one (puts another turtle on my Someday list).
The other trouble is that snakenecks can sometimes be a bit nippy and since their necks are long enough to reach all the way to the back of their shell NOWHERE IS SAFE.
THIS FUCKER WAS ON THE AMAZING WORLD OF GUMBALL I HAD NIGHTMARES ABOUT THIS LITTLE SHIT
The turtle on The Amazing World of Gumball was actually an African softshell, which is a whole different world of creepiness (I can’t add pictures on mobile, but google it, seriously those things are massive and terrifying).
Turns out there are actually a lot of creepy long-necked turtles.
THIS is the turtle from The Amazing World of Gumball
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