Not going out in this. Should be interesting to see what all broke tomorrow. Saving this piece to show Mom when she gets back.
[Image of a large chunk of hail, about as wide as a nickel, in someone’s hand. A large freezer is open in the background.]
So I live in Texas, and we get hail sometimes. It’s usually pea-sized or so. This batch was not. About 70 seconds straight of this.
[5-second clip of hail raining onto a porch, as seen through a slightly opened door. The hail is large, multiple pieces easily over a half inch long. The sound is very loud and resembles someone popping bubble wrap at high speeds while several children with sticks bang on a tin roof. In the background, someone yells “this is a little bit excessive!” in a thoroughly amused tone and is barely heard over the noise of falling hail.]
french recipes: if you’re not making this in paris then what’s the point. fuck you
italian recipes: use the left leg meat of a pig from one of three farms in this specific area of tuscany, or from this day my grandmother will begin manifesting physically in your house
american recipes: buy these three cans of stuff and put them in a pan congrats you cooked
chinese recipes, as handed down from mother to child: season it with a pinch of this and some of that. you want to know the exact amount? feel it in your heart. ask the stars. yell into the void.
English recipes: boil and salt it. Okay that’s it enjoy
Greek recipes: You followed all the right steps but this isn’t quite right. I don’t know what to tell you.
Australia recipes: chuck it on the barbie
Latinx recipes: you will never make it better than your abuela, face the facts
Armenian recipes: spend eight days laboring over the stove. the food will be flavorful with the sacrifice of your sanity. no one will appreciate it.
Canadian recipes: It either needs more bacon, more maple syrup, more gravy, or an unholy combination of the three
Polish recipes: you have to toUCH THE DOUGH, FEEL THE PIEROGI IN YOUR HEART, TOUCH IT. LICK IT. SMELL IT.
Every time I see this post, I learn more about how different countries’ cuisines AND neuroses.
Indian recipes: there are 500 cuisines and that means 500 versions of this dish that has 500 spices so gl
ashki jewish recipes: no, no. no. more onion.
internet recipes: here is a heartwarming story about my baby sister’s third birthday that i completely made up, and a copypaste from alton brown.
Bring us your favourite foods from home and we’ll throw it in a pie and serve it with tomato sauce, with some peas and mashed spuds on the side if we’re feeling fancy. Or just grab a plain old steak pie if you’re feeling boring.
Texas recipes: put it on the GRILL and put SPICES on it and then serve AN ENTIRE PLATTER PER PERSON because EVERYTHING’S BIGGER IN TEXAS!!!
(said grill may or may not be shaped like a longhorn cow. No, I’m not joking.)
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