So, trying out a new pet-name, I decided to call my wife “Vanilla Bean”– just giving it a go because vanilla is my favorite flavor and beans are cute and she’s my favorite and also cute.
Now, apparently “Vanilla” is plain and boring and baby did not appreciate being called plain and boring, and so here is a list of the pet names she’s given me in last few minutes:
– My saltine cracker
– The concept of Kansas
– My dearest manila folder
– That beige color they paint offices
– Bleached white rice
– You blank word document, you
– My perfect suburbs Republican
– Tap water
Tag: snerk
airbrush a picture of a cool party van on the side of your dragon
My class pretended to play dead.
Just as the Mayans predicted, the apocalypse came with the signal of a cough.
these middle schoolers read better than my high school honors english class
I REALLY HAVE TO REBLOG THIS IM SORRY THE FUCKING TEACHER
“Stop being dead right now”
That’s the reaction of an adult who delights in what you just did, but is in the position of Enforcing The Rules, so they have to tell you to stop anyway
Every time I see that glee face he gets its like “fine I guess I’ll reblog”
John Cena: give me the girl or I’ll shoot.
Bumblebee, shoving Charlie into his purse: I need to leave. Right now. Immediately.
Groot: Hey, I’m Groot, what’s your na-
Peter: lasagna
Groot: no you don’t have to do tha-
Peter: tree eggs
Groot: just respond normall-
Peter: my children are feet
Groot: PLEASE STOP
Peter:
Peter: fingers
—A conversation between Groot and Peter Parker, as translated by Thor Odinson
peter retaliating against “baby monitor protocol” by changing the names of Tony’s Iron Man protocols
“hey FRIDAY, zoom in on that building over there”
“Old Man Bifocals protocol activated, Boss”
“what the fuck did you just say to me”
“FRIDAY alert the team that my thrusters are down and i can’t fly”
“sure thing, activating I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up Protocol”
“PETER WE TALKED ABOUT THIS”
Tony: FRIDAY, open these encrypted files we don’t have a lot of time-
FRIDAY: activating the Fr E Sh A Voca Do protocol
Tony, sobbing: PETER WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK DOES THIS MEAN
AMAZING
-Peter gets hurt in a battle-
FRIDAY: Bone Hurting Juice Protocol has been activated – Mr. Parker is in distress.
Tony: -stops- He’s what? The what?
Peter: -over the com- Oof, ouch… my bones…
Tony: FRIDAY! Engage autopilot!
FRIDAY: Activating Jesus Take The Wheel protocol.
Tony: Really, Pete?
Tony: FRIDAY send one of my armours over to check on Peter
Friday: Activating “How Do You Do Fellow Kids?” protocol now
Tony: How does he keep changing the names of these…
Someone has tagged @copperbadge, right?
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN AND JOHN ADAMS ONCE HAD TO SHARE A BED IN A CROWDED INN, AND SPENT A CONSIDERABLE AMOUNT OF TIME ARGUING OVER WHETHER OR NOT THE WINDOW SHOULD REMAIN OPEN DURING THE NIGHT, AND WHETHER AN OPEN WINDOW WAS A HEALTHIER WAY TO SLEEP OR A SUREFIRE WAY TO GET SICK.
I wonder who was of which opinion
FRANKLIN WANTED THE WINDOW OPEN, ADAMS WANTED IT CLOSED.
I wonder who won.
FRANKLIN, BY TOTAL KNOCKOUT. HE KEPT EXPLAINING WHY FRESH AIR IS ACTUALLY GOOD FOR THE BODY UNTIL ADAMS GOT BORED AND FELL ASLEEP, ALLOWING FRANKLIN TO DO AS HE PLEASED RE: THE WINDOW.
didn’t franklin also take WIND BATHS where he’d just strip down and go stand on a hill in the wind or something
THAT WAS ONE OF FRANKLIN’S FAVORITE EXCUSES TO GET NAKED, YEAH
BettSplendens Tumblr Evac 