You ever fuck up so bad you overthrow a Chinese emperor?
I know what the Han Dynasty is, I swear, but I’m so used to seeing Star Wars content on my dash that until I hit “Qin Dynasty” I literally thought this was a Star Wars novel about the one time Han Solo took a job for the Empire and I was thinking 1) this is definitely something Han Solo would do and 2) I need to find the title of that novel so I can read it.
Oh. OH. (I am on mobile, apologies for the formatting and lack of readmore. But this story DEMANDED TELLING)
A brief account of the Glorious Ascension of Emperor Solo:
It was a job, and the Empire was paying.
Did he like using the Falcon for prisoner transport? No.
Did he like his continued existance, which he was NOT AT ALL sure would continue if he turned down the offer. Quite a bit, actually.
Still, how hard could it be, bunch of drugged and restrained people from one place to another?
One day, Han Solo would learn not to ask that question.
What do you mean my motivator stopped working?
At least we’re near a spaceport.
What do you mean the skinny little one woke up?
At least he’s still restrained. I’ll just drug him again.
WHY AM I UNDOING HIS RESTRAINTS?
Aaaand, he’s gone.
Kriffing *magic powers* kriffing *old religions* I am going to DIE.
Oh, inspection time…yes…of course…we still have all the prisoners? Why wouldn’t we?
Aaaand, now the inspection officer is dead.
I don’t need you laughing at me. Wait, why are you awake enough to laugh at me?
Oh, because you’re a Wookie. Damn it didn’t they drug anyone properly?
Yes I do see you are not restrained anym-
STOP CRUSHING MY WINDPIPE
Look, I enjoy being alive. I will die if I show up without the skinny little mindflayer. Maybe we can work something out.
Set everyone free? Sure. Already on it. And then me and my ship will just go…hide in the outer rim for all etern-
You want my ship. My life or my ship….
I AM THINKING ABOUT IT.
Alright, fine, I’ll go with you. Oh no, I am definitely invited along, none of you lot know how to treat my girl right.
Stop laughing. What’s your name, anyway?
Okay, Chewie, we need a plan. You have a plan?
Oh you were a General. I just…set a General free…no big. Nooooo big everything is fine.
Take over port control and contact the Rebellion. Yes, of course, all for it.
goingtodiegoingtodie
Hey, this is actually going pretty smoothly. Oops.
Yes this is…give me his I.D.! Commander Ravisk, we are undergoing an emergency drill and I just need…everyone to evacuate, please. Thank you. Have a nice day. Long live the Emperor.
That worked pretty well if I do say so myself…is that a Star Destroyer?
Kriff.
Yes, of course, Admiral Pohlash, I’d be happy to board and discuss the nature of the emergency.
I hate this collar, it’s too tight. You sure we can’t just leave? I can outrun a Star Destroyer.
Okay, fine, I can’t get everyone on board, warm the ship up, launch, and then outrun a Star Destroyer with all its cannons pointed at me.
Yes I am Commander Ravisk, this is my manservant Jimminy.
I really don’t care if you don’t like the name, sell the bit
Hello Admiral. Oh. We’ve met before…um…facial surgery is the new big fad?
Yeah, that was always a longshot.
A dead Admiral, not like this day can get any worse.
One day, Han would learn.
Quick, lets get out of here…what do you mean we are no longer over the same planet?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE’VE BEEN SUMMONED BY A MOFF?
Ah, yes, of course, good job…anticipating orders…Ensign. Admiral out.
This collar is even worse.
Yes, good point, it’s a nice cape.
Hello Moff…
Yeah, I really shouldn’t be surprised by this point.
Sure, whatever, this is Moff Ispsiallion, I’m pleased to announce the celebration of the Emperor’s Half-Birthday! Everyone gets a day off.
Maybe we can get out of here.
What do you mean we can access the Imperial palace?
Why would we want to access the Imperial palace??
I’m am *not* going to depose the Emp…
Yes, yes, big fan of breathing.
Even with Moff clearence codes we couldn’t just walk in there.
What if we…no, bad plan.
Really, it’s a bad plan, General. I’m sure you can think of a better one.
Well…we don’t need to walk in there, do we? We’ve got a Star Destroyer. We just need an excuse to get it close enough…
What do you mean GOOD PLAN?
ORBITAL BOMBARDMENT IS NOT A GOOD PLAN.
They did what to your planet?
Okay, I’m seeing the benefits of this plan.
We’re going to die. You know that, right buddy?
Yeah, sure, worthy cause. Never thought I’d get one of those.
A Little Later:
Wow, bright eyes, no, I’m not Moff Ispsiallion. Was my youthful good looks or my regicide that tipped you off? I’m Han Solo, and I just killed the Emp-
Why are you kneeling?
EMPEROR SOLO!?
What do you mean forty percent of the fleet has sworn allegiance to me?
Orders?
Um…I’m going to defer to Grand Moff Chewbacca over here. He’s in charge of your ships, got that?
Good…good. I’m just going to go into this little room and lock the door.
*muffled screaming*
*STANDING OVATION*
(You can always count on Star Wars fandom to really take something and run with it.)
I asked my boyfriend in Canada once, how he deals with polar bears because I was curious about what to do and he was like, just be calm, let them know you’re there, and give them space and they’ll usually just go away.
BettSplendens Tumblr Evac 