Tag: snerk

blujayonthewing:

langernameohnebedeutung:

langernameohnebedeutung:

Norse mythology fails to convey the sense of terror that must have hung over Asgard every time Loki was gone for longer than eight months and three weeks

#okay but imagine the betting pool#is it gonna be half undead?#horse with too many legs?#a giant fuck off snake?#who knows! ( @much-ado-about-mothing​)

Loki, holding up the newest baby Lion King-style: IT’S!!!!! A WOLF!!!”

underneath the rock: *dozens of creatures from all over Nine Realms muttering quietly, exchanging money*

#you fools  #wolves gestate for only 2-3 months #and horses can be pregnant for over a year! #there is no period of time that they can relax for #literally any time he’s out of their immediate supervision #he might be coming back with another harbinger of ragnarok #bundled up in nappies [X]

glumshoe:

waxbug:

glumshoe:

glumshoe:

glumshoe:

relentless android is sent back in time to stop a man’s conception by offering his mom contraception at a crucial moment

“Upon review, it became apparent that a violent approach was ineffective. The T-101 Terminator model was conspicuous, expensive, and easy to hate. It just wasn’t getting the job done. That’s why we are pleased to announce the release of our newest model – officially known as the C0K-1000 Discourager, he is affectionately called Cock Block. He is programmed with a database of millions of gross facts about sex, pregnancy, and child-rearing. A compartment in his chest is capable of storing a 365 day supply of condoms and contraceptive pills as well as an exhaustive list of sexual positions and practices that cannot result in pregnancy. He is adept at cooking spicy, garlic-heavy meals and has thousands of unpleasant smalltalk subroutines that will surely kill the mood and ruin any date. As an emergency resort, he also comes with a built-in speaker in his chest from which he can play voicemails from your parents or blast loud music from a playlist that includes obnoxious cartoon theme songs, Weird Al, DEVO, and the Shrek soundtrack. He can also synthesize foul-smelling compounds to discourage human arousal. He’s unstoppable.”

“Um. Sarah… do you know this guy?”
“Ignore it and don’t acknowledge him. So… tell me about yourself, handsome.”
“He’s peeking over the back of your booth bench mouthing ‘dump her’ at me. It’s kind of hard to ignore. Is he your ex or something?”
“Oh, god, no. He’s a robot sent from the future to keep me from getting laid. And he’s doing a damn fine job of it, too, the bastard. Last week he scaled the building and kept tapping on my 14th storey hotel room window pointing at a sign that said ‘postpartum bleeding’. God, I fucking hate technology.”
“Yeah…. sorry, I’m not sure I can do this. Good luck with your robot problem.”

Ok this is excellent but now I also want the opposite. A robot made to be as sexy as possible so as to divert any shenanigans from baby making humans to his infertile form. But, like, he is just uncanny valley terrible at it. Robot made by other robots and all that, he is a hot mess of pickup lines and social ineptitude wrapped up in a sleek looking body

Yes, very good. But then introduce a third android – a reprogrammed version of the original model, created to thwart the efforts of the other two. He is designated The Wingman. 

#SARAH. THAT MAN OVER THERE LOOKS FERTILE. YOU SHOULD GO TALK TO HIM. I WILL NOW BEGIN PLAYING ATMOSPHERIC SMOOTH JAZZ.#they’re all incredibly buff too but have zero combat ability