This, in and of itself is not such an issue but she is in possession of two Moderately Insane Dogs and a Definitely Mad Husband.
The dogs are, in order of importance, Sampson, a large German Shepherd that came from a police dog litter but was adopted out due to budget cuts. He’s still 90lbs of Intense Dog, and Very Protective of his house and family. In his mind, the robot is clearly up to something, and must be supervised very closely whenever it’s out cleaning the carpets.
The second dog is Ella, the kindest, gentlest elderly golden retriver you will ever meet, who has decided that the Roomba is her New Puppy, along with Sampson, who is her Older Puppy. the fact that her children aren’t getting along is very distressing to her, so she has to follow Sampson around and chide him every time he growls at the roomba, bopping him on the head to force him into a play-bow in the hopes that the two children will wrestle and be friends like good puppies.
This is upsetting to both dogs and also to Husband, who is a gentle being who can’t stand any conflict, so he’s taken lately to try and train the dogs to ignore the Roomba, only instead of doing the sensible thing and say, bribing them with food to sit and watch the robot, he decided for some reason that he ought to try to play with Sampson instead, crawling around on the floor after him, barking and play-bowing.
So my neighbor comes home from grocery shopping, to find her Husband crawling around on the floor, slowly going hoarse for fake-barking, two dogs kicking each other furiously and knocking everything over- including houseplants and a coffee table, all around a tiny robot, Oblivious to the chaos.
Neighbor has since decided on the sensible course of only running the roomba when Husband is away and the dogs are safely ensconced in the basement, but given that this is the man that faked a PR junket for Obama for funsies and made “Carp In A Blender” for our housewarming dinner this is probably far from the end of the Roomba’s adventures.
some dudes like to talk a big game about how comedy suffers when people are afraid to offend but man, Mitch Hedberg was a white dude working in the era of peak offensive edgelord and his shit holds the fuck up so while most comedians will never come up with anything as timeless as “if carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up” they could at least make an effort
Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way, right? “Prices and participation may vary.” I wanna open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. I’ll say “Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets! We are not affiliated with that clown.”
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.
I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments and one fuckin’ complicated payment. We can’t tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch! The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination! Good luck, fucker! That last payment must be made in wampum!
Hey, if you wanna talk to me after the show, I’ll be… fuckin’ surprised.
This shirt is “dry-clean only”… Which means it’s dirty.
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” “You son-of-a-bitch! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera… What’s it look like? ”
An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order” sign, just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
I play golf. I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell “Fore!” but I was too busying mumbling “There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.”
When you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say “All right you’re a stand up comedian, can you act? Can you write? Write us a script.” They want me to do things that’s related to comedy, but it’s not comedy. That’s not fair. It’s as though if I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a good cook, and they said “All right you’re a cook… can you farm?”
– “Rice is great when you’re you’re hungry and you want 10,000 of something”
– “Tennis is depressing because no matter how good you get, you will never be as good as a wall”
– “I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it”
Cheetor and Bumblebee living up to their nickname of “Team Trouble”
TF: Paradise Cheetor and Bumblebee are quite the little pair.
Bumblebee was taken in and raised alongside Cheetor when they were both babes, and they’ve been nigh-inseparable since. IDK what they did this time to incur the wrath of Grimlock or one of his kin (I mean, it could also just be a bog-standard T-Rex, as in the animal) but they probably deserve to get at least chased around a little bit.
If you ever think history impressive or grand, here’s a story for you:
Right after ww2, Jews were freed, but basically had no citizenship to speak of, and the allied forces weren’t that!helpful. So a group called the TTG was formed to help emigrate (read: smuggle) Jews from Central Europe, to Mediterranean ports, where they would take boats to Israel.
The TTG did this by piling the Jewish refugees into trucks bearing British insignia, their operatives dressing up as British soldiers, and just openly driving to port cities.
If they were ever stopped by actual military forces, they would say they were a part of a covert supply missing, under special orders from Major Tuches. They would stress that the contents of the trucks was super secret and to not be disturbed under any circumstances. They saved over 300,000 Jews like this.
If that sounds reasonable to you, here’s the thing: TTG stands for Tilhas Teezee Gesheften, and the operatives named one Major Tuches as their commanding officer whenever they needed to.
Or, to translate that into English, the event that saved the lives of hundreds of thousands of Jewish refugees was called Operation Kiss My Ass led by Major Asshole.
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