Context: Same game I’m playing as Animated Armor. It’s been a little while, since the lake incident and we’re just getting started with the next session. Our healer, the elf whom I get along well with in our party is now determined to find something to help me speak. (I can’t due to not having vocal cords) The Paladin hates me more than ever for having almost drowned him and forced him to walk around naked for a while.
*While in a tavern, the rouge is off trying to gather information for employment and the other two eat while I just stand around not really being of any use because there is nothing useful I can do at the moment when the elf turns to me*
Cleric: So…has anyone anyone worn you besides our dear [Human Paladin]?
Me: *shakes head*
Cleric: Oh so the Paladin was the first man ever inside you?
*Ooc the elf’s player is giggling her butt off at this point, and I nod to answer*
Paladin: What’s your point elf?
*She turned her head to the Paladin with the most wicked smile I’d ever seen on her*
Cleric: Why don’t you see? You’ve taken our poor fighter’s virginity!
Paladin: He’s a walking suit of armor! There’s nothing to take!
Cleric: How else is he suppose to be intimate?
Me ooc: I roll for embarrassment
DM: What?
Me ooc: I roll to see how embarrassed I am
DM: okay…uh..go for it, 20 sided, higher rolls means the more embarrassed you are.
*Me, rolls a 19*
DM: Your entire helmet starts to visibly glow red, prompting concern looks from the other patrons and revealing your secret crush that’s developed upon the Paladin since the ‘incident’
Paladin ooc: You serious?
Me: I run out the tavern covering my face from the embarrassment.
DM: Uh…run a perception check?
*Fails and proceeds to trip over a stool, my burning helmet/head then caught a rug on fire and burned half the tavern down and injuring several people. The rest of the session after we fled the town proceeded with the elf shipping me and the Paladin hard time*
Tag: pffha
Hold your breath…
I’m a first time player and the DM is a close friend determined to get me to play a game of D&D. We worked closely together on a very interesting homebrew for my first character based off of one of my drawings. A suit of animated armor that no one knows is really just an empty living construct. Keep in mind that when I take too much damage, I’m forced to fall into a kind of paralysis rest period.
My party, a dwarf rogue, a human paladin and an elf cleric and I are working to clear a bandit dungeon that keeps raiding a nearby town. I get along well with the elf and the human gets along well with the dwarf, but me and the Paladin don’t get along due to me being chaotic neutral. In this dungeon we encounter a warlock there that has been helping them for unknown reasons. Most of us are starting to get low on HP after so many fights.
DM: The wizard sees you and casts fireball…
Me: I roll to block with my shield!
DM: Okay, roll for fortitude, reflex and will
Cleric OOC: Will?
Me & DM: …
*Rolls good on fortitude and reflex but crit fails on will*
DM: You successfully block the fireball protecting your party, however, you fall to pieces, your armor empty…
Rogue OOC: Wait? He was burned to ashes protecting us?
Paladin: NOOOOOOO!
*Party proceeds to kick ass to avenge me and while this is going on and I excuse myself to make everyone some food lying about rolling for a new character after I get back*
*Several turns pass as I come back with hot dogs, chips and drinks. The party has left the dungeon to recover, DM texts me that the Paladin shed his armor to don me in respect and memory of my friendship and sacrifice, then then made camp near a lake*
*As everyone sleeps while the Paladin keeps watch the DM turns to me*
DM: You wake up staring at a lake and realize that someone is inside you
ME: I freak out and decide to jump into the lake
*Everyone else at the table looking severely confused as the DM turns to the paladin*
DM: Roll for breath…
And that’s how I nearly drowned our Paladin and forced him to walk around naked until we could replace his armor.
Puff (swiss german) = big mess
Puff (german) = brothel
there are many confusing differences between swiss german and german, but this one is undoubtedly my favourite
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