Aries: Something old. Something without teeth or eyes, dragging its great tendrils along the ocean floor, trawling for the corpses of leviathans.
Taurus: Something fast. Something hidden by the dust storms. Something with wings and paws and talons and a beak. A golden blur from a rising savannah sun.
Gemini: Something drawn to the sites of naval battles. Hardened, twisted shells adorned with the eyes of dead sailors. Casualties of war pressed into grim pearls.
Cancer: Something that looks like a hen. Something that disguises itself among the others in the coop. Rotten eggs. A second, gaping maw.
Leo: Something with a sting worse than death. A mane of quills. Pellets of bone and hair. The king of the arid mountains.
Virgo: Something that sits just below the water. Long flexible antennae flashing to mimic the dancing of fireflies. Whiplike, threshing tentacles covered in stinging barbs.
Libra: Something pure white. Great wings and soft fur host to intoxicating spores. A great proboscis for feeding on sleeping giants. Thousands of lidless, orange eyes.
Scorpio: Something slow and heavy. Powerful arms terminate in claws meant for digging. Something that hates the corpse-eaters. Something that plants seeds atop the unburied.
Ophiuchus: Something like a tree stump, dragging itself along the ground on strong, gnarled roots. Following large prey until it dies of exhaustion, and replanting itself.
Sagittarius: Something fragile and light. Something that drifts with the wind on gaseous bladders, protected by its own noxious cloud.
Capricorn: Something pale and hungry. Something that feeds off trash and the insects attracted to it. Something far worse than garbage and flies.
Aquarius: Something with scales and a mane of colorful feathers. Something that hunts in packs, sharing moisture from kills.
Pisces: Something colossal. Wings like a thunderstorm and talons like massive fishhooks. Migrating from pole to pole, catching whales for their young.
Tag: I LOVE THIS
My method of getting kids not to swear at camp was just to appeal to their sense of fairness.
Child: “Fuck!”
Me: “Hey! I’m not allowed to swear in front of you guys. It’s not fair if you swear in front of me, is it?”
Child: “I guess not… sorry…”
Sometimes I’d work with teenagers and facilitate activities like giant swing or zipline, which involve full-body harnesses that get Wildly Uncomfortable in the crotch areas. The younger kids didn’t mind it, but those burdened by more of the wonderful gifts of puberty had some things to complain about.
And complain they would! I think 15 year old boys are contractually obligated to shout “THIS HURTS MY BALLS!” at the top of their lungs every time they’re in a harness. To combat this, I’d warn them about the pain ahead of time and tell them that if they need to come down, I’ll help them down immediately. “However, I don’t get paid enough to listen to teenagers scream about their genitals for an hour. If you have to scream, we’re gonna call them ‘your honor’, okay?”
Teenagers screaming “OH NO! MY HONOR!” while swinging through the canopy? Hilarious.
beauty of simple
(obvious, ain’t it? explains that one)
this post makes me fucking furious
so is it a thing in (american) english to use “texas” as a word for like, something that’s out of control or chaotic, or as like, “crazy”? like “that party last weekend was totally texas!”
because that is a thing people say in norwegian and i just think it’s important for americans to know that?
this is the best thing I’ve ever heard
i’m sorry wHAT
This is like the time I found out that in Israel “Ma po ze, Chicago?” (What is this, CHICAGO?) is a saying for when people are acting unruly.
in finland if something is far away or in an unknown place we can say that “se on huitsin nevadassa” (it’s in nevada) you can also politely tell that you’d wish someone to fuck off by wishing that they’d go to nevada
I am both amused and nodding my head at the accuracy.
fantasticworldofflanneldoodle:
Is this what war is now?
We finally weaponized gay chicken
I told y’all about the time at Adeevka, right?
Tell us a story, Frosty!
I was at Adeevka where the Ukrainians are trying to take a strategically-located overpass from the Separs (I was there as a peaceful tourist who never even touched a firearm, of course) and the positions there are about 400 or so meters away from each other, so if you scream loud enough the fucks on the other side can actually hear you.
Up to this point, I’d observed a guy dropping his phone like it was going to bite him when I told him the Bruno Mars song he was playing was gay, and could reliably make people leave the room by asking them “would you rather sit on a chocolate cake and suck a dick, or eat a chocolate cake while getting fucked in the ass”, so it’s at this point in the trenches that a flash of inspiration hits me.
In my best Russian (which was utterly broken but “proper” Russian grammar is barbaric caveman-speak anyway) I scream out “next guy that shoots is gay”. And I swear to whatever god exists that two solid minutes of silence followed. It was some guns-fall-silent Christmas miracle shit
thats it, thats the Gay Agenda ™ : world peace
antiweaponized homophobia
BettSplendens Tumblr Evac 