Despite the best efforts of everyone involved, something truly nasty escaped Earth. They call it giardia, a microscopic organism that their Planetary Protection Officer called “pretty dumb” and “not too bad, really, a week of digestive upset and then it’s over.”
Yes, Earth has a Planetary Protection Officer. They have a Planetary Protection Office, and have had one since they were sending probes around their own solar system. Doctor Ma-et had found it a bit silly, like a child concerned about the cleanliness of their toys, until she learned that the job of the Planetary Protection Office had always been protecting other worlds from Earth.
i love this individual piece of writing, and i also love the narrative tumblr has been developing around Crazy Primates From The Death Planet Just Want To Love You. it feels so real and so US. it feels like maybe if genuine contact happens, this is how it’ll go down.
we’re too young, as a species, to do any galactic business of our own. we’re barbaric and awkward, still fighting amongst ourselves for resources. we’d probably make the galactic powers very nervous. but the thing is, there is nothing more dangerous to a human than another human, and hasn’t been for centuries, and this is on a world where half the ‘habitable’ environments regularly kill people and the rest only kill people on occasion with floods and stuff. we make buddies with our predators, we make our diseases brew us chemicals and fuel. we turn everything to our own use, and would bloom through the universe like a horrible all-consuming plague – except that we already sorta did that a little bit on our own planet, we were THAT powerful, and we learned not to.
we are the infant titans who, having seen our siblings eaten, swore to protect instead of consume. we police each other – and ourselves – at the deepest levels, down to the bones of our spirituality. even the most vicious warmonger knows, KNOWS, in their heart of hearts, that what they do is not right, and will not be allowed to go on.
more advanced species didn’t have to learn this lesson, because they weren’t violent to begin with, or learned it a long slow way under the tutelage of older powers. and here we are already, these holy fools, who hold death itself in our hands, and have the hunger for infinity in our eyes, and they ask us what we plan to do with this power, and we say: “where can we help?”
“and also, can we pet your dog?”
I love this so very much, both the fic and the commentary. As much as I love Star Trek and always will, its utopian vision of humanity as a distinguished part of the galactic UN, everybody-just-learning-to-get-along seems a little impossible at times like these. This picture of reckless, a little bumbling, ultimately good-hearted and good-doing humanity seems somehow more plausible, and gives me some real flickers of long-term hope.
a further thought on my previous thought:
if humans are the one species so toxic we learned by experience not to be a hegemonizing swarm before we developed space travel, and survived it… that means anyone who starts trying evil empire shenanigans now is NEW AT IT.
imagine a relatively little-known species suddenly gets to acting real hincty, breaking treaties and taking stuff and breaking stuff. the galactic council is horrified. the humans are like “oh they’re just being little shits, smack ‘em on the snoot.” the galactic council respectfully suggests the humans volunteer to be the ones doing the smacking. the humans point out that yeah, that is what they were doing.
the first ones to show up are, as always, the helpers. maybe this change in behavior is due to some disease or disaster. but nope, it turns out to be a nasty ideological vector, and the humans know from long experience that this one does not go away on its own, but fighting it from the outside makes it last so much longer.
so the next ones to show up are a different kind of helper: military advisors.
galactics: what are you doing??? you’re making it worse!
humans: worse? or BETTER???
under clearly delined circumstances and non-allegiances, so as not to break any interplanetary laws on behalf of humanity, these vicious masters of war teach the upstarts how it’s done. from the warp-tech version of village-burnings to mutually assured destruction, with defcon settings and terror alerts in all the spaceports, in under a generation. the upstarts have gotten much better at war, but only in their own space, and they are learning how it is that a whole species can be tired.
galactics: ok, we think we kinda see what you’re up to, but it’s awful and we wish you would’ve just made them stop fighting.
humans: you can only do that to forces that understand they’re in trouble. when we first got there, they were still having fun.
galactics: we don’t understand.
humans: right. the sick thing is, war is fun. that’s the disease. you can’t fight fun with bigger, better fun. you have to run ‘em around their own back yard until they work off the rush. only then can they look at their own mess and wonder what cleanup’s gonna be like.
galactics: it makes a weird kind of sense. so is that it, now? are they done? are they… cured?
humans: hahahahahahaha no. they’re just finally starting their treatment. now we send in the economists.
Infants do not cry to upset you. They don’t have a concept of hurting others and they don’t have any reason to want to do so.
Infants do not have any other way of communicating distress or an unmet need. They do not have a choice about crying.
Do not ever yell at, shake, or punish an infant. They will not learn from this – but they will be upset and afraid and possibly harmed, either in the moment or via problems in brain development.
It’s okay to take a minute to set an infant down and go into a
quiet room if you are having a hard time staying calm and comforting,
and come back when you have more self-control.
The only way to get an infant to cry less is to meet their needs. If
you spend a lot of time with infants you can actually learn to notice
when they need something, before they cry about it at all. Most infants
show signs of discomfort, hunger, or having a full/wet diaper, before
they get upset enough to cry.
Infants whose needs aren’t
usually met right away may learn to cry immediately. Regularly not
responding to an infant’s crying teaches the infant to panic every time
they need something, and the trauma of being so afraid so often as an
infant can cause issues with healthy brain develoment.
If a baby is crying, they need something.
Is their nappy/diaper clean and dry? Even if it’s just wet, it should be changed right away.
Are they hungry? A quick way to check is to run your finger over their mouth and see if they try to grab it with their lips.
Do they have air bubbles? You may be able to tell if this is the problem by feeling the infant’s tummy for unusual firmness.
Infants need to be burped right after they eat to help them get
rid of air bubbles that may get trapped and cause discomfort. If it’s
been little while since they last ate, it may be more effective to lay
the infant on their back and move their legs in a bicycle motion.
Are they too warm/cold? Touch the infant’s hands and feet to see if they need more or fewer coverings.
Are they overstimulated?
If it’s too noisy/bright or they’re being touched by too any people,
etc., they may need to be held by one calm person with a blanket over
their head. Like most people, infants tend to get more easily
overstimulated when tired.
Are they able to breathe freely? Infants cannot blow their own nose. A nasal aspirator is an inexpensive tool you can use to help them clear nasal congestion.
Are they in pain? When
an infant is sick or otherwise in pain, it may be beneficial to give
them pain medication formulated for infants, such as baby tylenol.
Always follow the instructions on the bottle and consult a doctor or
pharmacist with any questions.
If a cold doesn’t start to improve within a few days or the infant seems to be in pain but you don’t know why, consult a doctor. The infant may have colic, silent reflux or other issues which can sometimes be treated.
If the infant is more than a couple months old, they may be teething. Baby tylenol will still help but a numbing paste, like orajel, on their gums may be more effective. They may also need teething toys to chew on or a cold wet (clean) washcloth.
Do they just need reassurance? Infants like being sung to, murmured to, and soothed with rhythmic “shhh”-ing. Calm and steady sounds help reassure them that they aren’t alone and help them relax.
Another way to comfort an infant is to bounce them gently and rhythmically in your arms, and/or pat their back rhythmically.
Some infants, including most newborns, may need to be swaddled. A tight swaddle helps the infant feel secure and warm. Ask a doctor, nurse, parent, or YouTube to show you how to do a proper swaddle.
Do they need to be held? The
need for touch is the need most often ignored. Infants are significantly
more likely to thrive with lots and lots of skin-to-skin contact. They
also just need to be held, in general, a lot of the time.
Being
held (especially with skin to skin contact but even without it) helps
the infant release hormones necessary for healthy brain
development. Being close enough to feel an adult’s steady heartbeat is
calming and beneficial for an infant.
For these reasons and many
others, infants need to be held – a lot. Our closest primate relatives
maintain constant physical contact with their babies for the first year
of life. Historically most humans have lived communally, which allows several people to take turns providing the necessary physical contact.
Infants don’t need to be held every single moment, but the more they are held, the safer and more secure they’ll feel and the more likely they are to be healthy. A sling, baby wrap, or wearable infant carrier can help an infant get necessary contact time.
If an infant needs contact to sleep, consider getting a cosleeper cushion to safely allow you or someone else to sleep next to the infant. If that isn’t possible, sleep training where you pick up and comfort the baby each time they cry, and then put them down slightly sooner each time that night, may help.
Do not let an infant cry and cry for help and not give it to them.
Add: infants who have experienced long term neglect STOP CRYING to get things or communicate. This isn’t growing out of crying to replace it with language, I’m talking about pre-verbal language absence of crying to express needs.
This does not not mean the baby is a “good” baby. This means the baby has been neglected or attended to so inconsistently that they have given up on social communication of needs. It is not a good sign.
i want to share with you some of my favourite graffiti from Pompeii
“Weep, you girls. My penis has given you up. Now it penetrates men’s behinds. Goodbye, wondrous femininity!“
“Amplicatus, I know that Icarus is buggering you. Salvius wrote this.“
“We two dear men, friends forever, were here. If you want to know our names, they are Gaius and Aulus.“
“Floronius, privileged soldier of the 7th legion, was here. The women did not know of his presence. Only six women came to know, too few for such a stallion.“
“On April 19th, I made bread.“
“
I have buggered men.“
“If anyone does not believe in Venus, they should gaze at my girlfriend.“
“It took 640 paces to walk back and forth between here and there ten times.“
“Chie, I hope your hemorrhoids rub together so much that they hurt worse than when they every have before!“
“Epaphra is not good at ball games.”
“Two friends were here. While they were, they had bad service in every way from a guy named Epaphroditus. They threw him out and spent 105 and half sestertii most agreeably on whores.“
“Secundus likes to screw boys.“
I’ve always loved these. Humanity has never fucking changed.
Tiny Headcanon: Cybertronians actually, most likely have a real good time doing things that would total cars- they’re far, FAR sturdier than an actual car is after all, and much more capable. An impact that would destroy a car might actually hurt a Cybertronian who isn’t prepared for it, but by large they’re just so tough (and capable of using their sparkfield to lessen the effects of gravity and inertia) that to them spinning out into a barricade or flipping over in a ditch or Optimus Prime’s favored tactic of “Climb a tall thing and do a superhero landing after jumping from it” are probably just…fun.
It does take them a bit to learn that humans are not very appreciative of their car suddenly engaging in acrobatics, though.
In no small part, Cybertronians and Humans tend to get along specifically because both species has the uncanny ability to look at something impractical, dangerous, and entirely unecessary
Why do people never want to tell you their middle name like who gives a shit its not a nuclear launch code its your damn name
reblog with your middle name in the tags
Actually, the practice dates back to the reason we have middle names in the first place!
Some time around the dark ages, everyone believed in witchcraft and wizardry, like ya do. A big principle of magic was the idea of “true names.” If a spellcaster knew your full name, they could do whatever the hell they wanted to you. Of course, people didn’t want that, but there were enough people with the same first names that you had to give people your surname as well, to avoid confusion.
The solution? A secret name in the middle that you don’t tell anyone (unless you believe that they’re not able to do magic and/or you trust them enough that if they DID do magic, you’d be fine).
this is some death note shit
Is that why when a parent uses your full name (or even just first and middle name) when they’re angry with you, it feels like they just cast some serious mojo on your soul and you know you are in deep shit?
out of every universe there is i had to live in the one without magic and superpowers
yea but this one has dippin dots
sciencey things that are wild about this universe
– our life sustenance falls from the sky? and floats when cold??? making it this magical perfect substance????
– dude do you KNOW how rare multicellular life is like earth went on FOREVER with single celled guys and one day a mitochondria took residence in one and neither of them died and it got symbiotic. that shits RARE my guy, scientists think it only happened ONCE. EVER. the odds were huge and yet here we aren’t, it was such a great move the whole earth is covered in multicellular organisms now. we’re miracle babies, every last one of us
– also? u talking superpowers? are you aware of how superpowery you are?? your teeth and jaw are strong enough to crack your own jaw but your nerves are so sensitive it doesn’t get close. your brain works a million miles a minute to take in and store information and you don’t even realize, as it seems effortless. you have this thing called blindsight, where your brain sends the optical image to the alarm center of your brain before it sends it to the image processing center, which basically means if something’s hurtling towards you you can react Before you even know what you’re seeing. WILD. (its called blindsight bc it allows some blind people to “see” btw. but its EVERYONE its so crazy). also what the fuck is smell??? ya got this organ that takes in air, processes it, and you can basically differentiate the minute compounds of the molecules in the air and tell whats In It, often between like an atom’s difference. we heal ourselves when injured, we carefully balance thousands of motions and actions to keep ourselves balanced, aware, and alive, we can communicate to each other using facial positions (and LET’S not even talk about LANGUAGE) and we’re the culmination of thousands of tiny bacteria guys. AND we can make a new one in less than a year. AND we can properly feed it with a ridiculous recipe that scientists still don’t know all the ingredients. DUDE. we’re fucking WILD.
i got a bit carried away but the point is there’s tons of super stuff, including dipping dots, we just don’t notice it bc we’re used to it. could have made another point about the internet and how were living in the future bc HOLY JESUS but
Sometimes this is really sad. Like I’ve seen kids parroting overly-critical and harsh language that they definitely didn’t learn on their own and I want to go over and be like “kiddo, that’s inappropriate no matter how old you are. You shouldn’t be talked to like that.”
Sometimes it’s just bizarre. I’ve heard a few kids who either watch the Simpsons or their parents literally talk like Ned Flanders.
Sometimes it’s really sweet and encouraging, like the little boy who’s friend built a block tower and he squealed, “You did it! Good for you, I’m so proud of you!”
Sometimes though, sometimes it’s hilarious.
One time I was babysitting a seven year old and his three year old twin siblings. I was helping the girl twin dress her doll when I noticed the boy twin making a mess. The older brother looks at him, sighs, and goes:
“Buddy. Buddy just…buddy don’t do that. Look, see? You’re making a mess, you’re just gonna…buddy, that’s not gonna work, it’s….*sigh* well, alright then.”
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