-A woman came in with a skirt made of neckties. Just. Neckties, all strung together to make a skirt. She had leggings on underneath, thank god.
-Been asked for the Mona Lisa
-Been asked for the Sistine Chapel
-Been asked where the dinosaurs are
-Been asked where the animals are
-Been asked for “The Bitch With The Pitcher” (Vermeer’s “Woman with a Water Pitcher,” by the way)
-Been asked for “The Girl With The Pearl Earring”
-Been asked for the Mona Lisa
-Got bored and learned the name of every single one of the Buddhas
-Got bored and learned the name of five Chinese dynasties (long day in Asian Art)
-Chilled in the Buddha room
-Watched someone escorted out for trying to take a nude photo in the Arms and Armor section
-Been asked for the Michelangelo’s, then the Raphael’s, then the Leonardo’s, then the Donatello’s (they were naming ninja turtles)
-Heard curator in Musical Instrument section play Night On Bald Mountain on giant historical pipe organ while laughing maniacally.
-Fielded a day when a filthy counterfit version of the museum program was disseminated among visitors, guiding them to the filthiest art in the museum – such as the painting of Cupid peeing on Venus
-guarded Cupid peeing on Venus
-Been asked for the Mona Lisa
-Been asked if I had seen the First Lady of Mexico (she had gone missing)
-Been asked for that one sculpture of Kronos that is featured in Percy Jackson WHICH DOESN’T EXIST GUYS (directed children to sculptures of Poseidon with trident instead, children were very happy)
-Witnessed two Secret Service Agents get into a swordfight with pieces of packing material.
-been asked by a very polite Fransiscan monk in full brown robes if he had found ‘One of us. He has gone missing.”
-Found missing monk and returned him to the herd
-Coworker was asked for the Ark of the Convenant
-Same coworker was asked for the Baseball Hall of Fame
-stopped about 15,000 people from poking that one lion statue in the nuts
-saw a woman in a banana suit with banana shoes take a picture in front of an Egyptian temple
-Been asked for the Mona Lisas (plural)
I’ve got more but this is what I remember for now.
I forgot to finish this story, anyways I have food alarms set throughout the day to remind me to eat. My alarm is the exact same as my ringtone, so when my mom called me earlier instead of answering my mom I went to the kitchen and made myself a sandwich.
The practical side of me suggests changing your ringtone. The less practical side of me is highly amused.
why the fuck is no one naming their children after greek goddesses? Name your fucking child Persephone?????? Bitch???????!?
If that makes you happy, my name is Demeter
In my experience, people named after Greek goddesses are some of the most ethereal, chaotic forces I have ever encountered.
Our Art Department’s nude model, for example, is a woman named Hera. She’s stunningly beautiful, rides a motorcycle as apparently her only vehicle, grows all her own food, and keeps bees, turtles, and a dog named Argus, who she walks around town with a peacock feather attached to his leash.
I am thoroughly convinced she is not of this realm.
Literally drove around for 20 minutes looking for a parking space. The line for early voting wraps around three blocks and is more diverse than I’ve ever seen in this town.
There’s a very tiny woman in line who wears size 2 shoes in children’s. The very tall man ahead of her overheard her say this and now they’re standing together taking photos of his size 21 feet next to hers and bonding over being unusually sized adults.
every king in the Middle Ages: it’s really important that I don’t die because I don’t have an heir and if something were to happen to me, the whole kingdom would be thrown into civil war
every king in the Middle Ages: anyway time to go CHASE WILD BOARS WITH A POINTY STICK
the eternal masculine dichotomy of “I must preserve my bloodline, for it is the most powerful and special on Earth” and “I am too powerful to ever die”
Humans are packbondy creatures. I mean, there’s just no arguing it. They packbond readily, and quickly, and unbelievably strongly. Once a human has packbonded with a thing, they will do anything to help and protect that thing.
There’s a downside to that, not often mentioned. It uses up a lot of their time and energy to build those packbonds, maintain those packbonds, and most especially to do the work of helping and protecting those with whom they have packbonded. It doesn’t leave them a lot of time and energy for helping other beings.
If you want a human to help you – if you want to reliably get their best effort – you have to packbond with them first.
“Yeah? So?” So you’re probably going to be working with humans for most, if not all, of your career. No matter how good or bad you are at your job, there will come a time when you need someone else in your workspace to help you with something, whether that’s manning the fry station for 2 minutes while you pee, sending over those numbers from marketing, or dropping everything to teach you how to do a thing that your boss told you to do or else you’d be fired.
Not to mention the big things. They don’t give promotions to just their friends – at least not so much any more. Promotions go to the people who’ve completed big, visible, important projects. It seems fair until you consider,,,, who gets the big, important, visible projects assigned to them in the first place?
Humans give boosts to the people they’ve packbonded with. They mention packbondee’s accomplishments to the boss (or the boss’ boss). They cover for the mistakes of people they’ve packbonded with.
“That’s not right! It shouldn’t be a popularity contest! It should be about who does the best –” Listen to me. Listen.
You may be right. You may be the most correct creature to have ever spoken since the beginning of galactic civilization.
It does not matter
Humans packbond. It’s what they do. I can’t stop it. You can’t stop it. No power in the ‘verse can stop it. This is how the human do.
All you can do is work with it.
If you want a human to help you – if you want to reliably get their best effort – you have to packbond with them first.
“Look, I’m introverted and scared of people and I have social anxiety so I really don’t know how to –” Hey, my pal, I feel you. I, too, am introverted. And I have social anxiety. And I have PTSD that actually – and I recognize that this is bizarre – has ‘business networking’ as a trigger.
For you, I have good news: Humans will packbond with anything.
Like, you don’t really actually have to do anything. You kinda just have to… exist. In their presence. They kinda do the rest.
If you can talk with them, that speeds things up. But it doesn’t have to be, like, good conversation. Like, it can totally go
You: boy, sure is hot out! Human: Man oh man, can you believe it? You: Wow, yeah Human: Totally You: …. Human: ….
This conversation – as awkward and uncomfortable as it felt to you, has caused this human to packbond with you a little more. If you repeat it weekly, you will get good results.
THE TAKEAWAYS
You need to packbond with the humans you come in contact with
Taking time to do that is not only justifiable, it is an important part of your job, and should be treated as such
That is to say that, as much as you hate it (and believe me, I understand), you have to take time away from actual work and dedicate it to packbonding with your fellow workers
Tips
Plan out your packbonding time. It’s easier if you can initiate than if a human springs packbonding-time on you all unexpected. In an office job I like to use Friday afternoon, but adjust according to what makes sense to you and your situation.
Keep some packbonding-time questions handy. My go-to list is:
(If it’s Monday or Tuesday) How was your weekend?
(If it’s Wednesday) How’s your week been so far?
(If it’s Thursday or Friday) Any big plans for the weekend?
How’s your day been?
You don’t have to care about the answers to these questions. All you have to do is remember that if the human is answering questions, they are not asking you any questions. Therefore questions are your friend. If you ask follow-up questions, you may be able to get through the entire packbonding time without having to do any of the talking
Learn to disengage from packbonding. You can use basically the same sentence (or variants on it), but you’ll want to practice it so that you can make it sound natural. I use “Awesome! Well, I gotta get going. Have a good one!”
I know it feels overwhelming, but a few minutes of packbonding, once a week, is all you need. Once you build it into your habits it can be no more annoying than doing dishes or showering.
additional crucial packhack: humans will like you more IF you ask them to do you a small favor AND THEN express gratitude and indebtedness. it seems counter intuitive to ASK for favors instead of DOING favors but that’s the key! they will keep tabs on your welfare if they think you owe them; they will want to keep you around if you establish yourself as someone who appreciates their efforts. humans thrive on mutual caretaking. invite them to caretake you and then show you are eager to caretake back and you will have a solid workplace alliance started.
small favor examples: can you pass me that tool item? may i try some of your snack? could you remind me of a fact? can you give me some advice?
most humans feel safe when they feel valued. it is this crucial emotional drive that underlies many human interactions. it is especially important in the workplace, where those that are not valued are ruthlessly cut out and discarded from the pack. so assure your humans that you appreciate them and they will come to you for the comfort of it.
super shortcut pack hack: share food.
i have a tendency to go nonverbal in workplaces. this is an absolute dealbreaker for most employers. in theory they’re not allowed to fire you for being autistic, but in practice, if you randomly lose the ability to words, they will find a way to get rid of you. i usually ended up being the one cast out because of that. but there’s a funny loophole i discovered: in workplaces where people bring lunches and eat at their workstations, i was not a pariah.
i realized pretty quickly that it had to do with my tendency to bring lots of food and share it freely. i enjoy cooking and i like to feed people. so instead of just bringing a sandwich and an apple, i’d bring like, a huge box of vegetable maki, and offer them to everyone.
it turns out that the guy who gives you cucumber rolls is pack, even if he sometimes bluescreens while you’re talking.
so if you’re having trouble bonding with your coworkers, try sharing food.
I’m seeking employment so and this has been incredibly useful.
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