(I finished my freshman year this spring with a 4.0 GPA, an off-campus research internship, and three professors contacting me suggesting that I apply for a fulbright scholarship. These tips aren’t coming out of my ass.)
1. LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SAY THIS: YOU DO NOTNEED TO “GET INVOLVED” IN STUPID CLUBS IF YOU DON’T ENJOY THEM. Hear “get involved! :)” for the 1000th time and just barf in your mouth a little and move on. If you work hard and get good grades, and socialize with people on campus when you have free time (it comes more naturally than you think) YOU WILL. BE. FINE. Actually better than fine. You’ll have time to get a real job/internship, which by the way, is what the real world wants to see you prioritizing. Moral of the story: Only join clubs if they help your personality thrive and feel healthy. Don’t do them because you feel pressured.
2. DON’T TAKE SHIT FROM A N Y O N E. I know you’re trying to fit in and take the stance of trying to make everyone happy to make sure you’ll have plenty of friends. But you have to realize that you literally just met these people, and they just met you. If they create an uncomfortable environment for you that makes college harder to cope with, get them the fuck out of your life. Ain’t nobody got time for people’s high school-ass drama.
3. SKIP YOUR CLASSES SOMETIMES. If you really have your shit together, it won’t matter. Your school will say the amount of skips you can get away with before it harms your grade. Use. Them.
4. BECOME THE MASTER OF WRITING ESSAYS IN ONE NIGHT. You will have to. I’m telling you right the fuck now. And you can get an A, if you work your lil ass off. I’ve done it many times.
5. DON’T CARE FOR EVEN 1 SECOND WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF YOU. If you wanna wear sweats and no makeup, do it. If you want to dress up and take time to put on makeup, do it. If you want to stay away from partying, do it. If you want to party, have a good ass time. If anyone has enough time to judge you, they need to be studying harder or getting a hobby. Make yourself comfortable and happy as fuck and enjoy your time in college worry-free.
6. BE THE ASSHOLE WITH A TABLET OR LAPTOP IN LECTURE. You won’t have time to copy it all down. You’ll be miserable. Just trust me. I know studies say its more effective to write stuff down for memory, but, write them out later or something. Learned that one the hard way.
7. DON’T REWRITE YOUR NOTES IF IT DOESN’T HELP YOU STUDY. If you know doing that doesn’t help you memorize, don’t do it, period. Or, if you have a collossal asston of notes (like I did) it isn’t even worth rewriting them all in the first place. I’ve fallen down that hole and lost motivation and time. Just reread them or make flashcards or whatever. Study for effectiveness, not aesthetic.
8. BE PREPARED FOR LAB TO GO THE “WHOLE TIME.” Yah, you’re gonna see 3 hours on that brand-shiny-new schedule of yours and be like there’s no way it’ll go that long, right? LOL about that. Just mentally brace yourself. Eat and drink beforehand for the love of god we don’t need hangry people handling chemicals.
9. COMMUTING DOESN’T MAKE YOU A LONER. Just. No. If you live close to campus, are comfortable with commuting, and know you’ll save yourself MAJOR debt by doing it, do it and don’t feel a fucking ounce of guilt about it. It’ll be some early mornings, but your fresh out of college broke ass will thank you, and you’ll use your time more effectively. (Plus you get a non grimy shower like??)
10. LOVE YOUR NEW FINE ASS SELF. College is a fresh start. Put energy into who you have always wanted to be. And don’t compromise that out of social anxiety and embarrassment. You’ll be happy and thank yourself if you step out of your comfort zone to be the person you’ve always had in mind.
there are guys in my dorm who decided to play cards in the elevator
see what intrigues me about college isn’t the intellectual pursuit or the bonding or whatever, its the fact that people have the freedom to do random shit like this
Okay, everybody, I have a story about random shit in college. When I was in college, there was a particular class I took where, no matter what time you walked into class, if you made it into the room before the professor, you wouldn’t be counted late. I mean, that’s a pretty cool policy, given how some professors are really obnoxious about attendance.
Well, one time, a fellow student of mine was running late to class. As she reached the edge of the building, she saw her professor making it to the front steps (super long rectangular building here). He looks up from walking and he sees her. He then points to his watch, gives her a well-meaning “Look who’s late” face, and walks on inside.
What he didn’t know, though, was that this particular student was like freakishly good at bouldering and related climbing skills, so she was just like “Fuck it” and SCALED THE BUILDING!
She tapped on the window of the 4th floor classroom (the floors had like 20ft ceilings, so, she was quite a ways up there), nearly making one student piss himself. They opened the window, she rolled through, onto the floor, and slid into her seat about five seconds before the professor opened the door to the classroom.
He did a double take, started to say “How the hell d—” when a security guard ran in, red-faced and panting, pointed at her and bellowed “STOP DOING THAT!”
omfg the amount of fucks college kids don’t give astounds me
IVE ONLY SEEN THIS POST IN SCREENSHOTS
I LOVE THE IMPLICATION THAT THIS STUDENT HAS A REPUTATION FOR SCALING THE BUILDINGS
Okay. So. I teach Constitutional Law at a relatively well-regarded university. This is a 500 level course and you need my permission to enroll.
My students are, by and large, good students who are used to being good students.
I present to you a list of shit my students have pulled:
Climbed up to the fifth floor to slip through a window as in the aforementioned example. Only: I do not take attendance. I give not a fuck if you are late as long as you are not disruptive. She did it anyway.
while playing Humans vs Zombies: One of my students spotted an opposing team member through the window. Looked me dead in the eye and said: “I have to do this. Don’t hate me.” Pulled their headband on, popped open the window, scaled down the side of the building and pelted pel-mel after said opposing team member.
Later collected their things from my office shame-faced, but only because they had not actually captured the opposing member.
Sang the entirety of Cabinet Battle #1 from Hamilton to me.
the entire class.
Emailed me at 1am to settle an argument regarding the implications of the Murr v Wisconsin case on urban development projects in California
A trio of them–also all on the moot court team that I coach–spotted me outside the local cigar bar, pointed to me, and, while visibly inebriated, recited the entirety of Preamble of the Declaration of Independence to me.
When queried as to why they did this they said “It looked like a thing you needed to hear right now.”
Spent two months responding to any question I asked them during lecture with: “If it pleases the Court ….”
All showed up with barrister’s wigs and spent the entire class acting like they were not, in fact, wearing ridiculous white wigs on their heads
Emailed me at 3am to ask which case was controlling regarding search and seizure cases: US v. Padilla or Warden v. Hayden
answer: both are still technically good law, please provide context?
context never given.
flooded my mail box with little origami cranes made from different pages of the US Constitution
I keep all of them in a little glass jar
Sang the entirety of “I’m Just A Bill On Capitol Hill”
changed all of their ring tones to “Lawyers, Guns and Money,” sent off a mass text triggering everyone’s phones so it was just 146 phones all playing that song for 30 seconds.
there are guys in my dorm who decided to play cards in the elevator
see what intrigues me about college isn’t the intellectual pursuit or the bonding or whatever, its the fact that people have the freedom to do random shit like this
Okay, everybody, I have a story about random shit in college. When I was in college, there was a particular class I took where, no matter what time you walked into class, if you made it into the room before the professor, you wouldn’t be counted late. I mean, that’s a pretty cool policy, given how some professors are really obnoxious about attendance.
Well, one time, a fellow student of mine was running late to class. As she reached the edge of the building, she saw her professor making it to the front steps (super long rectangular building here). He looks up from walking and he sees her. He then points to his watch, gives her a well-meaning “Look who’s late” face, and walks on inside.
What he didn’t know, though, was that this particular student was like freakishly good at bouldering and related climbing skills, so she was just like “Fuck it” and SCALED THE BUILDING!
She tapped on the window of the 4th floor classroom (the floors had like 20ft ceilings, so, she was quite a ways up there), nearly making one student piss himself. They opened the window, she rolled through, onto the floor, and slid into her seat about five seconds before the professor opened the door to the classroom.
He did a double take, started to say “How the hell d—” when a security guard ran in, red-faced and panting, pointed at her and bellowed “STOP DOING THAT!”
-”Now I’ll take attendance in the order in which I don’t like you”
-Made us say ‘may I use the potty?’ in a British accent when we need to use the washroom
-”Good morning, how’s my favourite class doing-they just left you would’ve passed them in the hallway”
-Had names for all of the variables: a is for apple pie, b is for brownie, c is for cookie, and D IS FOR DOUGHNUT
-”This is beautiful. Just like if you were in front of a mirror-with me standing in front of you”
-He spent like 10 minutes making sure we understood the difference between cannoli and cannelloni
– “You should join the geek protection squad, we would beat up kids like you”
-On the first day of class he drew an x in the corner of the whiteboard with a box around it and it???? somehow stayed there???? all year?????
-”you should all take French just in case you meet a pretty French lady on a plane like I did”
-We had this closet in the corner of the room, and then it just became a thing to talk about the body in the closet (especially when people not in the class would come in)
-Answered the phone in one of two ways “greetings human” or “Pizza Pizza”
-While we’re talking about phones if someone was being looked for he’d tell them that they were out in the smoking area handing out anti-smoking pamphlets
-”You guys are so loud! People would think you’re Italian or something”
-Once turned the lights on using ‘the force’, a.k.a a lightsaber he kept on his desk, and a student standing under the light switch
-”BIG LIKE HOUSE”
-He told us this story about how a few years ago if a kid was particularly annoying/disruptive he’d send them to a certain teacher to ask for a ‘long stand’ that teacher would take a loooong time looking for this item before sending the kid along to the next teacher (I think there were 4?) anyway, once the kid would get back and be like ‘there is no long stand’ he’d say ‘well weren’t you standing for a long time?’
-There was a girl who had a broken arm, who got moved out of the class when her schedule got rearranged. During attendance he’d call ‘broken arm girl’ first, and she would come into the room before we got there to write stuff like ‘broken arm girl was here’ on the board
-The day before christmas break we just talked about star wars the whole class
-called us all sunshine and when one girl asked why he called her stormy clouds for the rest of the year
-If someone came to borrow something, before he’d give it to them he’d ask if they would like to know where they could get one, and then the whole class would all be like ‘staples’ ‘best buy’ ‘dollar store’ etc
– The guy in front of you in class is shopping for a charcoal grill on ebay. why. sir. we have a test next week.
– Squirrels just….have no fear. None. Only on college campuses though. Are they okay?
– Finding condoms, packaged and not, in various places. 9 times out of 10, if there’s something inside, it’s not what the condom is supposed to have inside of it.
– Water balloon condoms. See above.
– That one guy who wears the same hat every day and you see him every day and you don’t understand why he’s so attached to this hat what is he hiding
– *single flake of snow appears* “Maybe campus will shut down tomorrow.”
– Campus doesn’t shut down. There’s three feet of snow and the wind chill is below zero.
– That one corner of the library basement that no one goes to. It smells old and there’s probably a ghost there.
– When you’re a pedestrian, you hate the cyclists. When you’re on a bicycle, you want nothing more than to run every single person over.
– You see someone violently acting out a music video with their headphones in. You leave them alone because you were doing the same thing thirty minutes ago. You hope it goes well for them.
– Theater majors. Just…theater majors.
– do the science kids???? ever leave the science buildings???? where do they sleep?
– There’s a dog. It’s surrounded in seconds by over-caffeinated, under-hydrated students who haven’t slept in three days.
– you find articles of clothing in really weird places and just. stop caring. glove in a tree? Cool man. Sock on the street? Hope no one needed that. Pants on the stairs of the dorm? Use a condom bro.
– The dorm lobby television only ever plays sports, news, or The Food Network. No one is ever actually watching what’s on.
– how are the art students even alive
– that one professor that EVERYONE on campus knows, even if they have a completely different major than what they teach.
– there’s a class. you know you had it. you know you have a grade for it. you can’t remember a single second of your time in it.
– Where did that cat come from? No one knows. It’s always been there. You can’t pet it. Only stare from afar.
– what is tipping? how does it work? idk tip the pizza guy five bucks for the ten dollar pizza. he looks tired. he’s dying on the inside. he saw a guy naked tonight.
– Inevitable “pinned condom on the bulletin board goes missing” gag
– Your whiteboard markers are missing again. You put them out yesterday.
– someone stole an entire skeleton from the science buildings. it got returned a week later without the skull.
– Vocalist majors. Almost as bad as the theater majors. At least the theater kids don’t sing during breakfast.
– there’s a piano in the student lounge. no one can play anything but Chopsticks and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
– your garbage is four feet tall and has been there for two weeks. you add more to the top. you took the recycling out yesterday.
BettSplendens Tumblr Evac 