Headcanon that Clint and Bucky are utter bros because MCU Bucky clearly has an innate need to look after tragic blonds who get in too much trouble and he can’t look after Steve anymore because a) supersoldier and b) Steve is busy looking after everyone else. And then one day he sees Clint come in all bruised and battered and making bad jokes and is all like aha. yes. This one is now mine and I will look after it whether it likes it or not.
I saw this on my dash and was like OMG SOMEONE ELSE THINKS IT TOO no wait that was me
look you guys. i dunno what the hell kinda history books youve been reading about pre-serum steve, but ‘poor sick’ steve was pretty much the literal devil.
i am not joking. he was pretty much the definition of ‘lead you right into temptation’ if you assume that what youre being tempted to do is get in so many fistfights.
so. many. i coulda really used a sickass robot arm back in the day, because my goodness did i do a lotta punching.
anyway, sick steve went through four stages, like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, except he turned from a tiny angry man with the ability to breathe into a tiny angry man with the ability to pass out with zero warning. stage one was called ‘Im Not Sick, I Always Breathe Like This,’ and did indeed involve steve wheezing a lot. usually that was the first sign. but tiny steve had asthma, so sometimes he really did just breathe like that. at this stage, steve would insist that he was ‘fine, bucky, honestly stop glaring at my lungs. you cant even see them.’
the second stage was called ‘So Maybe I Might Be Sick But Im Still Fine Though,’ and pretty much came into play when steve stopped being able to get a whole word out without gasping in the middle. fun fact? steve’s eyebrows did not grow when he got the super serum, so if you think his angry face is bad now, just imagine allll that scowl packed into steve’s itty bitty please-punch-me starter face.
stage three was ‘If Im Dying Im Gonna Go Out The Way I Came In, Screaming And Covered In Blood’ which was the stage where steve, despite the fact that he was supposed to be in bed, would try to sneak out and go do things. this wouldnt be so bad if 1. he wasnt prone to just suddenly passing out when he was sick, or 2. had had any control at all over what came out of his mouth. that thing steve does where if youre doing something he objects to morally, he will 100% of the time come over and inform you that you should be expecting a punch in the near future? yeah. tiny steve did that too. luckily his brain-to-mouth filter was improved by the serum, or im pretty sure he’d have started fights with a lot more than 117 countries and literally every nazi ever. Anyways, he’d try and sneak out, and if he succeeded, he would almost always wind up picking a fight with somebody, because having bad luck and terrible impulse control is what steve do.
the final stage was called ‘Bucky I Promise I Wont Do Anything Stupid, Please Stop Sitting On Me,’ and it was the point at which i started ignoring everything he said until he could say a whole sentence in one breath.
Chapter 10: Small but Full of Rage (and diseases) is updated on the Ao3!
y’all: peter was able to stop bucky’s fist in civil war bc bucky heard peter’s voice, realized he was a child, then weakened his punch bc he was so worried about hurting a child uwu
me, eating pistachios: y’all know peter can canonically lift up to 75 tons, right. y’all know bucky’s fist is easy as hell for peter to block, right. y’all know bucky didn’t know shit about peter being a child and was just shocked that someone was able to so easily block his punch, right. y’all know that, right.
naw fuck that bucky’s punches aren’t easy to block, it’s WAY funnier if peter blocked a full force punch from bucky, who only a few seconds later realizes he’s a kid as soon as peter opens his mouth
that’s the face of a man who went from “holy shit he blocked my punch?” to “holY SHiT a 12 YEARoLD BLOCKED mY PUNCH???” in 3 seconds flat.
Trying to write 27 school reports. I will appreciate motivation in the form of cheerleading, gifs of Hawkeye and ficlets about Cap hating paperwork ❤️
“We never had to do paperwork in the war, you know.”
Cap’s grumbling, while perhaps justified, was also hilarious; maybe it was just that they’d all been in the conference room for hours, filling out belated after-actions because Hill had finally Had Enough, but something about Steve grumbling that things had been easier In His Day struck Clint as hilarious.
He tried to stifle a laugh, but it was rough; a second later Steve continued, “Not that we could have if we’d wanted to, it was hard to get a working damn pen what with rationing.”
Clint wheezed,very softly, trying to contain it.
“And DumDum hoarded pencils like they were going to be his postwar pension,” Steve finished, with grim vindictiveness and an extra-hard jot of his pen.
Clint lost it; first a giggle, then a full-blown laugh, and then Natasha went “ahahaSNORT” and both of them lost it.
By the time Clint was wiping his eyes, the laughing fit over, Steve was looking triumphant; he pointed at Clint and Natasha, then at the clock, looking at Bucky the whole time. Bucky rolled his eyes and waved a hand in some kind of defeat, and Steve stood up, carried his paperwork over to Bucky, and dropped it in a heap in front of him.
“What was that all about?” Clint managed, as Bucky pulled the paperwork over and Steve walked out the door.
“We had a bet. If he could get Natasha to snortlaugh in the first four hours he won,” Bucky said. “Thanks, by the way.”
“No problem,” Clint replied, while Natasha looked annoyed. “Wait, he won you doing all his paperwork? Can we make that bet next time?”
“No, you know all you have to do is shove a pencil up your nose,” Bucky replied. Natasha made a little snorting laugh. “See?”
“Unfair to all concerned,” Clint announced.
“Joke’s on him, actually,” Bucky said. “In about ten minutes he’ll start feeling bad he saddled me with all this and go buy me one’a them frozen chocolate drinks from the donut place.”
“Yeah, but you still have to do all his paperwork.”
“Pfft.” Bucky rolled his eyes again. “We never had to do paperwork in the war,” he mimicked Steve. “Of course we had to do paperwork in the war, he just always shoved it off on me and then his super soldier brain wrote it out of existence.”
“Seems unkind to you,” Bruce put in, from behind his own stack of paperwork.
“Well, I didn’t mind it, and it meant it got done,” Bucky said philosophically. “Plus I kept a pen chained to my body at all times so the joke was I was the only literate fella in the 107th. Anyway, I put a bunch of jokes in to keep me entertained.”
“You put jokes in your World War 2 after-action paperwork?” Clint asked.
“Can you think of a better place?” Bucky asked. “Hey, knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Nazi.”
“Nazi who?”
“Hitler did nazi us coming,” Bucky said, deadpan, and pulled the first sheet of Steve’s paperwork off the pile. With perfect timing, Steve returned.
“I got you one’a them frozen chocolate things from the donut shop,” he announced.
Natasha snortlaughed so loud it startled Tony, who had been sleeping while pretending to work on a StarkPad.
OMG SAM ♥️ you’re the literal best, I just finished number 27 and found this. May the image of Steve avoiding paperwork and Clint sticking pencils up his nose live forever.
I think this might be my favorite scene from the movie.
I just realized Bucky has never seen aliens before this. He’s only ever dealt with super soldiers and impressive tech. So, you know he wakes up from his lovely cryo nap, they slap a new arm on him, and then they’re like “Here’s an actual god, aliens, and a talking raccoon that wants the arm we literally just gave you after the dude whose parents you killed blew off your last one” and his tired gay ass is just like
Concept: Some jackass shows Bucky how to make a blog and it becomes really popular. Not because it’s the blog of James Buchanan Barnes, American Legend, War Hero, Infamous Assassin, Alleged Terrorist. Nobody even knows it’s his blog. It gets really popular because people think it’s a really great shitpost generator or something. Because Bucky is just a Weird Fucking Person and everything he posts on his fucking personal blog comes off as somewhere between dril and Jaden Smith and people are like “this is some quality garbage right here” and thus Accidental Memelord Bucky is born.
Bucky posts things like
“What is wrong with bananas. I ate a banana today and it was Wrong. America why”
“Every time I put on my eye makeup it gets bigger. My whole face is eyeliner now.”
“Why does friendship feel so much like punching”
“When I wake up in the middle of the night I am either thinking ‘who am I? does my life have meaning?’ or “did I already eat all of the plums?’”
“Why are you so grumpy” they ask me. they do not realize this is just my Face.”
“I know i said i would give my left arm for a cup of coffee but i am more awake now and i would like my arm back please”
“I guess I must have done something horrible in a past life. I mean. I definitely did something horrible in this life, so. “
OMG I LOVEEEE
YEEESSSSSSS!
“Guy in front of me won’t move his car seat up. I think that might still be upset about all those times I tried to kill him.”
“Got lectured by a guy who had been complaining about how things were Back In The Day. I don’t understand why he got upset. I too lived through the Great Depression and was drafted for the War.”
“The economy in this century sucks. Who exactly though another Stock Market crash was a good idea?”
“Apparently, it was Rude™ of me to pitch in my two cents on a conversation I happened to overhear, despite agreeing with them. On an unrelated note, I am no longer allowed in the ceiling vents.”
“‘If you don’t behave we’ll send (mutual) after you.’ Jokes on them. I’m the one who trained them to be an assassin in the first place.”
“Tried to buy a Chicken Dinner candy bar at the supermarket today. Turns out they were discontinued 54 years ago. Super bummed.”
“Wait. People were on the moon?! We got into space? There is a way off of this rock?! Why am I only just hearing about this?!”
“’Have you been living under a rock the past 50 years?’ No I was cryogenically frozen for 70. I don’t appreciate your tone young man.”
“My friend likes convincing people that I’m the Reckless one in our friendship. As if he won’t find an alley behind a bar to pick a fight in if I take my eyes off him for two seconds.”
“Why would i want to get a haircut when instead I can look like i just returned from a 12 year jaunt in the wilderness every time i grow a beard”
“was having a hard time finding noodles in the grocery store & asked a clerk for help. she looked at me like a crazy person. lady, it’s not my fault you don’t speak russian”
“what kind of idiot thinks dancers are sissies? literally every ballerina i have ever met could kill an adult man with just her legs”
“today i discovered Conditioner. the future is a miracle and my hair like a cloud now”
“apparently just jumping on to a moving bus when you are running late is not a thing people do anymore. please stop yelling at me.”
“went to a club last night to see what the hip kids were into. apparently the latest thing is just having sex standing up with your clothes on in a room full of people.”
“on the one hand, people dressed much nicer in the 40s. on the other hand, yoga pants.”
“rode in a car with heated seats today. it is my house now. i live here.”
“i have acquired a small bear. i am putting a collar and leash on him. he is my dog. no one tell animal control”
“i am working on this whole Good Guy thing but anyone who cuts me in line at starbucks deserves to have their kneecaps shot out okay”
“why did they have to make escalators so terrifying to get on and off of? from now on I’m just jumping off the mall balconies. none of this awful moving teeth staircase”
“i don’t care if it’s a ‘priceless historical artifact,’ punk, i didn’t wanna do the dishes and it makes a pretty good spaghetti bowl”
“hoodie pockets are so great. i can fit like three sandwiches and a grenade in there and my hands are still warm”
“i really though we would have flying cars by now. the future is such a letdown.”
“changed sam’s ringtone to jesus take the wheel.”
“do you know that feeling when you go to lean on your short friend’s conveniently arm-rest-height shoulder but you forget they had a huge growth spurt and you just awkwardly lean your elbow into the middle of their bicep”
“i swear i didn’t know your girlfriend was coming over. i always ominously clean my assault weapons on the coffee table like that. it had nothing to do with you.”
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