wayne enterprises almost certainly has clothing as one of their retail subsidiaries and i like to imagine it getting really profitable just because bruce spends so much time listening to models bitch at parties. all of their product lines have names like “It Has Real Pockets” and “Not See-Through” and “Full-Length Sleeves” and “Secret Elastic Waist”. the marketing department is like “okay obviously these are all working titles” and bruce is like “no. leave it. that is what it’s called.” and they try to talk him out of it but he owns a helicopter and you can’t argue with a man who owns a helicopter. they sell so fast. the women of gotham are well-dressed and comfortable and always have somewhere to keep their phones.
The tags are also gold:
#original#the problems they are solving get more obscure as time goes on#jeans forgiving enough that you can kick someone in the face#reinforced thighs to account for friction#boyfriend jeans renamed comfy jeans#Won’t Show Your Bra#More Than One Size#it starts as a whim he just emails whoever is in charge of that department like#‘for the love of god just give them some fucking pockets’#if anyone appreciates the importance of pockets it’s batman#look at his belt#being without pockets is like his nightmare#if he has to help one more person figure out where in his enormous fucking mansion they left their fucking clutch#that they only brought because they didn’t have any goddamn pockets#he’s not going to be mad but he’ll be disappointed#wayne enterprises with bruce at the head sees a huge increase in profits and sometimes it is for the weirdest fucking reasons#am i the only one who wishes everything had an elastic waist#but secretly so i can still look classy
Tag: Bruce Wayne
My ideal beginning to a Batman movie:
We start with a slow pan down to Gotham as Oracle narrates
“Ask your average person who Gotham’s most famous citizen is, and you’ll get the same response every time: Bruce Wayne. Everybody’s heard of Bruce Wayne. You’ve probably heard his name a million times before. But there are some things that the average citizen doesn’t know about him. See, to the people of Gotham, Bruce Wayne is a rich kid who never grew up. They think he’s a buffoon, an airhead, a moron. But the truth is…”
*Batman bursts out of a window, screaming, on fire*
*record scratch, freeze frame*
“…they aren’t entirely wrong about that.”
EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE
This is then followed by a series of clips from interviews with various Gotham citizens, all of whom give humorously ironic descriptions of Bruce Wayne’s idiocy:
“Bruce Wayne? I hear the guy gets through a super-car every month! Replaces every one, just like that!”
*Cut to shot of the Batmobile flipping end-over-end after slamming into one of Bane’s APCs*
“Wayne? Please! The guy would probably have accidentally killed himself years ago if he didn’t have that butler to babysit him!”
*Cut to Alfred physically restraining Bruce from going out to fight Scarecrow while having a broken arm, a concussion, and the flu,*
“I bet he throws away cash like it grows on trees!”
*Cut to Batman shouting “Hey, Lucius! Ask R&D to make some kryptonite/Nth metal alloy baterangs! Y’know, just in case!”
“I’m almost jealous. Super rich and he gets to hang out with gorgeous women across the world? Sign me up!”
*Cut to Bruce being slammed face first into a wall repeatedly by Lady Shiva.*
@smut-smut-in-the-butt this seems like something you’d be interested in
This is the Batman I long for.
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