i’d like to point out that when i made this post, all of these comments were at the top, but now if you look at the thread they’ve been replaced by completely different comments
so please, for the love of god, look at the source link this thread is a neverending source of entertainment. people have added so much fucking shit since i made this
I was proctoring an exam for a student today while reading these, and I had to stop because I got to this one and almost fucking died
these are making my day
Okay, this one’s killing me:
These ones got me:
Ooohhh noo I can’t breathe and there are literal tears streaming down my face
so i fell asleep at my desk for a few seconds and woke up abruptly to the thought “WHO CARES!? THESE ARE ASSLESS CHAPS!!!” burning through my mind
i dont understand
It’s ok, I woke up two weeks ago to slapping my knuckles over my desk, and swore loudly. Only problem was that I suddenly had a thick Brooklyn accent, and thought I was a 1940s mobster for 30 seconds upon waking.
I LOVE STUFF LIKE THIS?
I did the same thing once, where when I woke up I seriously thought I was Superman for at least a good minute or so. I was reaching for my phone thinking, “Oh my God, I’ve been hiding it this whole time, I’ve gotta tell my boyfriend I’m superman.” And as I was very tiredly and sloppily writing the text I stopped what I was doing and was like, “What the fuck.”
Yes. More. I need more stories.
one morning i woke up absolutely convinced that my mom had faked her husbands death for tax purposes and i was so mad cuz i had to go to his stupid funeral with his dumb family and i thought we had finally gotten rid of him all for it to be a lie then like half an hour later im like “wait…” I told her about it later and she told me faking his death wouldnt have done much for her tax wise at all
Mine are always like “Oh fuck someone I love has died.” which is pretty scary to wake up to. But my favorite wtf one is that I woke up and I expected to wake up like at 12pm, I’d set an alarm for it etc….
I woke up at 8pm.
My immediate reaction to it being dark outside?
“Oh fuck it’s nuclear winter”
I once dreamed that I was a pirate tying a lot of knots for sail-hoisting purposes. Woke up to find that I’d wrapped our kitten in about three blankets. He wouldn’t sleep within arm’s reach of me for two years after that.
Another time, I was woken up by lightning striking a tree in our yard, and I genuinely thought I was somewhere to do with cannons for about 10 seconds.
And then there was that time I was dreaming about boring house things, walked outside, found a canyon in our yard, woke up, got out of bed, walked downstairs, went outside, saw a flying saucer, woke up, got out of bed, had breakfast, and spent the whole day quietly expecting that I was about to wake up.
Brains are weird and sometimes they forget how to reality.
Oh my god I love this.
My sister once went and woke up or dad to ask for lunch money and he asked her if she’d gotten the rubies yet and she said no and he told she had to get the rubies first and so she left and came back a little while later to ask again and he asked her if she’d gotten the rubies yet and she said yes and he told her okay and that she could take the $10 in his wallet.
I once had a dream that my house (and everything in it) was being claimed by loan sharks because I was so poor/in debt/or something, in my dream. I then woke up panicking/crying and looking around, confused as to why everything was still in my room. It took at least 20 seconds for me to figure out why.
I came out of like 1 second of microsleep with the idea that Plants vs. Zombies had introduced a Charging Mooseflower.
I once woke up, and very deliberately bashed my head into the wall. For some reason I thought that was really important to do.
mine are always like weird random phrases that are just in my head and seem vitally important like one time i woke and thought to myself “a dead man’s mouth must taste like cabbage”
once while in a hotel room i had a nightmare about trying to escape from a nuclear apocalypse. i failed, and got asploded. my mental movie screen went black for a long moment, and then i woke up to see the words SHIT HAPPENS written on the hotel room wall in cheerful birthday cake cursive.
i stared at this for what felt like a good 15 minutes, checking that yes i was definitely awake, my spouse was snoring behind me, i was in the hotel room where i was supposed to be, and yet the words were definitely right there… until suddenly they weren’t, and it was just the shadow of a tree outside.
being wide awake in every way except the shadows are randomly making fun of your cold war PTSD… that was the weirdest goddamn morning.
I have woken up and punched the nearest wall to my bed on several occasions
Another time I woke up and head butted a wall
I woke a friend up for work once and she was just like “so it’s time to make the shields for the invasion?” She didn’t understand why I was laughing for like 3 minutes
I was on holiday in Japan about three months after I finished my masters degree, and woke up at about 4am absolutely convinced I had an assignment due in the morning that I’d not yet started or submitted… to the point that I got out of bed, turned my laptop on and was about to startit. It only then occurred to me, when staring at the backlit screen, that the degree ended months ago, that I was not in my bedroom, and I was in another bloody country trying to relax.
I once woke up to the fire alarm and a room filled with smoke, only to realize five panic stricken seconds later that it was a car alarm outside and I was staring at my white wall.
i woke up in my hotel room in australia to someone having pulled the fire alarm but i was completely convinced it was a tsunami alarm and that I could see the wave right outside the window and i just fuckin bolted out that room and left my family behind and i almost ran straight out the from door until some people in the lobby were like excuse me miss what the hell are you doing
I distinctly remember waking up once and my first, instant thought was the specific phrase “wait…aliens aren’t allowed to ride bicycles…”
I once had a very involved dream about defending a castle with a very large, oddly shaped moat. I woke up with the word “Caerphilly” in my head and the absolute certainty that I needed to get to the castle. My mom thought my subconscious was telling me “carefully,” but I was convinced it was the name of the castle. I googled it. Caerphilly Castle is in Wales. And it has a very large, oddly shaped moat. I have never been to Wales.
I once woke up one morning to see a man’s big hairy leg sticking out from under the covers in my bed. I flipped out for a good few seconds before I realized that it was, in fact, my own unshaven leg.
Incredible
I once woke up, convinced I had Mr. Fantastic stretching powers.
I was rather disappointed
one time i had a dream that i got perfect grades and that my mom had told me so. i said ok and went back to sleep.
three days later, awake, i asked my mom if she was joking when she said this. she was understandably confused
hey fellas last night i took a medication which is more or less the anxiety equivalent of a horse tranquilizer & essentially enterred the fifth dimension of sleepwalking in which i awoke but enterred a dissociative fit so strong i was really confused why my loving girlfriend was not my good friend and fellow viking bjorn, who i had to bring some furs to. also i might’ve cried about this. don’t remember
was informed i left out the best part of this 3am experience which was the bit where i, in tears, gestured to our dog and shouted, “i don’t know what this is!”
I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object (“say bye bus!”) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it.
I’m glad there’s a teacher version of “accidentally called teacher ‘mom’”
when I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call people “my lord”
One time during family prayer, dad began: “our father who art in heaven, American Airlines, how can I help you?”
One time my dad went to the White Castle drive-thru and the lady (who was supposed to say ‘Welcome to White Castle, what’s your crave?’) asked, “Welcome to White Castle, what’s your problem?”
She apologized profusely while my dad proceeded to lose his shit laughing.
Yesterday I went to Wendy’s and the girl said “Welcome to McDonalds” and then just sighed
Why do grown ass adults want to eat Tide pods so much?
Because a ton of the visual/olfactory/textural sensory information these pods give me the match nutritionally-dense fruit. It’s got the oleic gleam of something high-fat like an avocado, but bright carotenoid-rich coloration like a berry that wants to be eaten by red-seeing primates and birds. It tends to smell sweet and slightly floral, enhancing that effect. Similarly, when you hold it, it is quite dense (denser than water), but very soft and liquid, once again reaffirming that this “fruit” has either high sugar or high fat content and almost no cellulose to it.
As a result, within me is a less-clever monkey just screaming to eat this delicious fruit in my hand about to go into the laundry, and it does in fact take willpower to tell him he’s a stupid monkey and this is a bubble of foul-tasting poison. But every time I do laundry, this fucking limbic monstrosity rises again and assures me it’s basically like a cherry but Even Better. I have legitimately debated just biting down on one in the hopes of inducing a deterrent memory to forestall this urge in the future, but that’s what my goddamn mammal-brain wants me to fucking do and I refuse to let it win.
Human Brain: Don’t eat the posion pod its fucking posion Monkey Brain: Eat the fruit pod its fruit Lizard Brain: The Washing Machine Is Vibrating Give It The Sex Fish Brain: Climb inside the washing machine it is safe.
electricity tickles the meat so that different slimes come out. sometimes the slime feels good sometimes bad. some people make more bad slime than good slime. that’s called clinical depression.
my attention span is so bad i cant watch something without being on my phone at the same time i always have to have 2 layers of activity when did this happen why is capitalism stealing my soul away the spectacle has me firmly in its grip
Psychology time!
This isn’t having a short attention span (or well maybe thats part of it), but probably something called “Optimal Arousal.”(This is psychology, not anatomy, please keep your mind out of the gutter Xp)
Optimal Arousal goes like this: When effort is low, more stimulus is better. When effort is high, less stimulus is better.
I’ll elaborate. Whenever you do something easy (like maybe some homework as an example), unless something else is happening (like music or a show) you tend to get drawn away or doze off. In this homework scenario, the effort is low, so in order to keep at it and do well on working on it, you need a higher amount of stimulus, like a movie.
If something is hard, like for instance a test, you probably will try to avoid noise, going so far as to hush others so you can concentrate. The effort is high so you want less stimulus.
Keep this in mind. It can help you focus, and make life a lot easier. Dont feel bad for doing lots of different things while you are just chillin. Enjoy the knowledge!
This is also the reason that when people get lost or are trying to find an unfamiliar destination, they turn their car stereo down.
Whoa wait turning down the music so you can “see better” is a real thing and not just something to poke fun at?
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