superman is generally pretty good about having good posture and
maintaining his broadcast english but when he’s not careful clark has a
tendency to get a l’il bit drawly and hitch his thumbs in his pockets/belt/whatever
sometimes when he’s thinking he gnaws on his lip and drums on his hipbones and it’s very upsetting to watch quite frankly, what the hell clark, that’s not fair
he owns a lot of bootleg superman shirts because he thinks it’s funny but doesn’t wear them outside the house
the first time he bought eggs from the store he completely fucking smashed an egg to fucking pieces and freaked out because he thought maybe he didn’t know his own strength and ma had to tell him to find a fucking farmer’s market and get some real eggs. it took like twenty minutes on the phone to convince him that everyone who’s used to farm fresh eggs does that. your powers are fine, clark. those eggshells are just weak.
he is generally very careful about being a respectable role model as superman so he likes it when it’s just him and diana and bruce on missions because they know who he is and he can loosen up and act like a fucking dork.
he’s very vigilant about his dental hygiene because he doesn’t know if it’s even possible for him to get a cavity but WHAT THE FUCK WOULD HE EVEN DO IF IT WAS. HOW COULD HE EVEN GET IT FILLED. CAN YOU IMAGINE.
sometimes as a gag batman will shove superman’s shoulder and superman will tip over but one time batman does it near a canyon and not only does superman go along with it, he pretends to fall in and makes the ‘goofy falling off a cliff’ noise when he does it and batman nearly hurts himself trying not to laugh and he’s so fucking pissed that joke was so dumb goddamn it clark go fuck yourself
So, let’s try an AU where the bats are complete isolationists.
I mean, they’ve had contact with the world outside Gotham and villains outside Gotham, but they’ve completely and totally avoided other heroes.
So, There’s a Justice League, but no Watchtower.
There’s a Teen Titans, but without the Robins.
There’s a Red Hood, but no Outlaws.
Tim’s Young Justice never existed because they just joined the Titans.
No one is allowed in Gotham – meta or not. Gotham is theirs.
So, you have all the other heroes and then you have the Bats.
And, frankly, the other heroes are a little wary of the bats. They have no idea who they are or what they’re capable of?
They’re from Gotham – they live in Gotham and take care of Gotham and Gotham is one of the most dangerous cities in America, if not the world. Gotham’s villains are crazy.
And if the bats are taking care of that, then they have to be… well, pretty dangerous. No one wants to cross them. And even though they want to find out what their powers are, no one wants to risk going into Gotham after that time Superman tried it and came out 5 minute later with a sliver of kryptonite embedded in his arm (just because no one knows about the bats, doesn’t mean the bats don’t now about everybody.)
And then comes the moment when the bats have to break their isolation.
Batman’s whole basis is the idea of scaring criminals, right?
well, sure, outright intimidation through brute force works for that.
But the whole reason a bat was chosen is that the average person doesn’t understand how cute and cool they are, and finds them creepy and gross.
So let’s play that up. A Batman who uses his training in escape artistry, stage magic, and contortionism to move in ways people think humans shouldn’t be able to move. A Batman who reacts to things that he shouldn’t be able to (because his suit is wired with sensors and Alfred is monitoring things through hacked security feeds). A Batman who has a Slasher Smile.
Give me a Batman who, for the villains, seems like a cryptid. An urban legend on the level of creepypasta, some half-glimpsed shadow who, instead of being scary because of his muscles, is scary because holy shit what was that? What just happened? I’m outta here, man!
Give me a Batman where his battles with characters like Scarecrow and the Joker seem more like one of those crossover films where two horror movie monsters fight it out.
reblog, this had exactly one thousand notes. I was not expecting that, so i feel i should specify in regards to Robin:
I mean a Robin who is unsettling precisely because of people having the reaction of what the fuck is this bright and cheery child doing hanging around with an escapee from the SCP Foundation?
I mean a Robin who is a little too bright and cheery, maybe. And you start to wonder amidst all the smiles and quips, why exactly this particular “robin red-breast” has that shade of red on their chest. Why the red looks a little more brownish, why this child smells coppery when they lean in close to tell a joke. Are you sure they’re a child? Are you sure there’s just one of them?
While you’re wondering this, back at the Batcave, Bruce and the like six different kids who act as Robins are having a laugh and reapplying the fake blood Alfred bought in near-bulk quantities at the Gotham Party City during the last After-Halloween sale.
I am all in for fanged Batman crawling head downward down a blackened wall, light reflecting off of lenses designed to mimic the tapetum lucidum, filling criminals’ ears with a near-ultrasound shrieking.
I’d particularly like it if the movie were shot like a horror movie, so that even the audience doesn’t see Batman properly until at least half an hour in. Then we see Bruce Wayne at some Society shindig, being an affable yachting 1% broseph douchebag, until there’s a cry for help. He ducks into a stairwell, loses the blazer and loafers, and then slips out a tiny window with double-jointed knees and shoulders.
Batman’s whole basis is the idea of scaring criminals, right?
well, sure, outright intimidation through brute force works for that.
But the whole reason a bat was chosen is that the average person doesn’t understand how cute and cool they are, and finds them creepy and gross.
So let’s play that up. A Batman who uses his training in escape artistry, stage magic, and contortionism to move in ways people think humans shouldn’t be able to move. A Batman who reacts to things that he shouldn’t be able to (because his suit is wired with sensors and Alfred is monitoring things through hacked security feeds). A Batman who has a Slasher Smile.
Give me a Batman who, for the villains, seems like a cryptid. An urban legend on the level of creepypasta, some half-glimpsed shadow who, instead of being scary because of his muscles, is scary because holy shit what was that? What just happened? I’m outta here, man!
Give me a Batman where his battles with characters like Scarecrow and the Joker seem more like one of those crossover films where two horror movie monsters fight it out.
reblog, this had exactly one thousand notes. I was not expecting that, so i feel i should specify in regards to Robin:
I mean a Robin who is unsettling precisely because of people having the reaction of what the fuck is this bright and cheery child doing hanging around with an escapee from the SCP Foundation?
I mean a Robin who is a little too bright and cheery, maybe. And you start to wonder amidst all the smiles and quips, why exactly this particular “robin red-breast” has that shade of red on their chest. Why the red looks a little more brownish, why this child smells coppery when they lean in close to tell a joke. Are you sure they’re a child? Are you sure there’s just one of them?
While you’re wondering this, back at the Batcave, Bruce and the like six different kids who act as Robins are having a laugh and reapplying the fake blood Alfred bought in near-bulk quantities at the Gotham Party City during the last After-Halloween sale.
I can’t believe Gotham has a Party City that hasn’t been burnt to the ground by citizens convinced supervillains are about to converge on it (see also: florists, refrigerated storage units, aquariums (pet shop and public alike), joke/magic shops, costumers, haberdasheries, etc).
We start with a slow pan down to Gotham as Oracle narrates
“Ask your average person who Gotham’s most famous citizen is, and you’ll get the same response every time: Bruce Wayne. Everybody’s heard of Bruce Wayne. You’ve probably heard his name a million times before. But there are some things that the average citizen doesn’t know about him. See, to the people of Gotham, Bruce Wayne is a rich kid who never grew up. They think he’s a buffoon, an airhead, a moron. But the truth is…”
*Batman bursts out of a window, screaming, on fire*
*record scratch, freeze frame*
“…they aren’t entirely wrong about that.”
EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE
This is then followed by a series of clips from interviews with various Gotham citizens, all of whom give humorously ironic descriptions of Bruce Wayne’s idiocy:
“Bruce Wayne? I hear the guy gets through a super-car every month! Replaces every one, just like that!”
*Cut to shot of the Batmobile flipping end-over-end after slamming into one of Bane’s APCs*
“Wayne? Please! The guy would probably have accidentally killed himself years ago if he didn’t have that butler to babysit him!”
*Cut to Alfred physically restraining Bruce from going out to fight Scarecrow while having a broken arm, a concussion, and the flu,*
“I bet he throws away cash like it grows on trees!”
*Cut to Batman shouting “Hey, Lucius! Ask R&D to make some kryptonite/Nth metal alloy baterangs! Y’know, just in case!”
“I’m almost jealous. Super rich and he gets to hang out with gorgeous women across the world? Sign me up!”
*Cut to Bruce being slammed face first into a wall repeatedly by Lady Shiva.*
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