Omg, can you imagine???
“Car been used as a battering ram by Captain America? We got you covered.”
“Facing roof damage caused by falling debris? We got you covered.”
“Forced to shut down business for the week due to road closures from the latest Iron Man vs. Doombots battle? We got you covered.”
“Lawn and structural damage due to the Hulk? We got you covered.”
And so on…
[VIDEO: Parody sketch from the night Tony Stark goes on SNL. He is wearing a truly terrible cardboard version of the Iron Man suit and “flies” into the scene by jumping onto a box and posing with his arms out in front of him.]
TONY: “I’ve got great news for you, gang!”
“NATASHA” [played by Kate McKinnon in a bad red wig]: “You’ve closed the space portal and prevented the universe from ending?”
TONY: “No, I just saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico.”
“CLINT” [played by Colin Jost in a purple T-shirt, carrying a Nerf bow and firing little foam darts toward stage left]: “But Tony, you’re already gazillionaire!”
TONY: “Yeah, because I do smart things with my money like switching to Geico.”
CARDBOARD BUILDING: *is pushed over by stagehands, falling humorously next to Tony*
TONY: “Boy, I sure hope they had renters’ insurance!”
MAYHEM: “I’m a damaged Iron Man suit, falling out of the sky, right in front of your car.” *crashes onto road, car swerves into ditch*
MAYHEM: “I’m Captain America’s shield, ricocheting off of an extra-dimensional portal.“ *crashes through apartment window*
MAYHEM’S ACTOR, ANSWERING DOOR AT HOME: “Yeah?”
LOKI: “I will, with absolutely no guile or deal-making whatsoever, give you a million dollars to pretend to be Thor’s hammer if you do the accent.”MAYHEM, NEXT DAY: “Verily, I am Mjolnir, Hammer of the Thunder God, Which may only be moved by the righteous and worthy, and I’m blocking the Starbucks drive-thru. Looks like Karen in her Suburban didn’t see me.” *Karen’s truck flips over and lands on another vehicle, coffee cups flying everywhere*
[SCENE: A GUY and his DATE are standing outside his car. Camera pans to front of car, which has been smashed by falling debris.]
GUY: Aw, aliens again, man? Come on!
DATE: Don’t worry, I have State Farm! [singing] Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!
STATE FARM REP: [appears in puff of smoke]
DATE: Oooh, with Captain America!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: [appears, looking confused. DATE immediately runs over to him, clinging to his arm. Captain America valiantly removes the debris from the car.]
GUY: Uh, let me try. Uh… come on… car insurance, be there? With Black Widow?
THOUSANDS OF SPIDERS: [appear from thin air]
GUY: [screaming]
I’m shipping Mayhem with Loki now, I hope you’re all very pleased with yourselves.
Tag: Avengers
I like how everyone seems like they’re dead tired and Thor’s just there going
‘om nom nom this is a shawarma nom nom nom’Notice how Clint and Natasha seemed to have appropriated half of each others’ chairs.
and I think Tony is just realizing that he literally died and was scared back to life by the man to his left
and steve, being the senior citizen, is simply nodding off
Also, the dude behind the counter just nonchalantly making shawarma for the goddamn Avengers like they come in every day.
#meanwhile loki is outside tied to the bike rack with mjolnir on his chest
I’ve reblogged this about five times already and I dont plan on stopping
Bruce, you just got done being a few dozen times larger than that. Please eat an amount of food that needs to be held in two hands, rather than two fingers.
Captain America: Civil War – the We Are All Rational Adults Version
(The more I think about Civil War the more annoyed I get)
Tony: okay so
these AccordsTony: obviously
the fact we’ve only just heard of them and they’re being signed in 3 days and
they’re fatter than all of us is some shitSteve: language
Tony: but the
fact is, we can’t just run around wherever we want punching people that we
personally decide are bad guysTony: countries
have the right to make their own laws and we can’t just ignore them because
we’re really coolTony: (though we
are)Tony: anyway the
fact is nobody actually voted for you to be President of Avengerdonia, steve,
so we should like, obey the people we elected, like everyone else in the world
does, this is how democracy worksSam: i would vote
for steveSteve: i will be
honest hereSteve: i have
very much enjoyed being in charge with no restrictionsSteve: it has
been very efficient and we’ve saved loads of lives (like loads)Steve: however as
i am not in fact a massive jerkhole dictator and i do believe in democracySteve: you are of
course right we should get the nod from the government before we crash in
anywhere to save the day, as long as that can be done quickly and effectively,
and won’t mean that i’m completely banned from saving peopleSteve: (because i
have zero impulse control when it comes to saving people i just do it)Tony: oh we know
Sam: everyone
else would vote for steve too right natasha you’d vote for steveNatasha: no comment
Steve: i mean
there are a couple of other things i want to talk about in these papersWanda: like the
fact we’re not actually accountable for the actions of all supervillains
everywhere?Steve: yeah and
the fact that it doesn’t specify that we can’t be thrown in a monstrous sea-jail
without a trial or lawyers if we damage property while defending ourselvesTony: wow steve
we’re (mostly) US citizens do you really think we need to specify that?Steve: i’ve read
about rossSteve: yes we do
Tony: okay then,
how about we sit here and hash out our list of amendments and caveats, which
they really should have consulted us about more than three days before they
meet to sign this document that controls our lives, and we take our improved
accords to vienna and talk about it there?Steve: that
sounds really sensibleSam: wanda you
vote for steve too rightBucky: i do not
vote for steve. i vote for anyone except steve. i vote for tony stank’s left
shoe, because it is far less reckless than steveSam: dude you’re
not even in this part of the movie yetBucky: i showed
up early just to say don’t vote for steveTony: holy shit it’s
the winter soldierBucky: ooooh steve
doesn’t like that kind of language you knowSteve: go away
and wait for your appropriate plot hook barnes what is thisfin
Every part of this but especially the last bit.
*SNORT*
Best underreaction ever.
That guy needs his own movie.
In my headcanon, Bruce mentioned this to Nick Fury, and Nick immediately sent Maria Hill out to hire him. He’s the night watchman, runs the cameras and patrols the halls of one of SHIELD’s front companies, over one of their most important top secret facilities. The guy doesn’t know what he’s sitting on, of course, but he’s unflappable and unfailingly sensible and sees the facility through every weird situation with the same patient attitude.
Bruce appreciates him and always makes sure to stop by the desk when he’s nearby, ask about the guy’s wife and kids and grandkids. He gets invited to Thanksgiving and the missus keeps trying to set him up with their daughter.
When Steve meets him, they swap war stories and instantly become BFFs, and sometimes Steve comes by during the guy’s shift with classic diner food and they play Gin for a couple hours over burgers or soup or meatloaf with mashed potatoes and Coca-Cola in glass bottles.
Thor loves to hear the guy tell stories, and believes him the skald of SHIELD.
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