nick cage, internet explorer, comic sans, and crocs
WHAT IF TUMBLR WAS A SCHOOL?
“this is the only sex gif i’ll ever reblog”
posts written as an anNOYING CRESCENDO
david karp unironically being called daddy
peasant
based on the notes of this post, i’ve decided to give an update!
2017 tumblr dashboard, Tumblr Veteran Edition:
people who genuinely think that people on tumblr were nicer in 2012 because you could say the n word without getting run off the site
every few months you hear of a new scam. you wonder where people get the money to get scammed in the first place
at least 10 posts on your dash of people with Gofundmes begging to not die on the streets because the economy is so fucked up
thinking it can’t get worse, politically, but news breaks that donald trump publicly admits to using sliced onions as deodorant. nobody blinks an eye.
an article blatantly from the onion or clickhole that people take at face value
seeing a meme that’s genuinely funny and sighing in pain because you know you’ll grow to hate it in two days time
somehow still being on this site after almost half a decade, hardened. you want to quit so fucking badly. and yet you continue to scroll. your body cries out for you to stop but you do not. you scroll and there is no end.
It’s sad how much of what is taught in school is useless to over 99% of the population.
There are literally math concepts taught in high school and middle school that are only used in extremely specialized fields or that are even so outdated they aren’t used anymore!
I took calculus my senior year of high school, and I really liked the way our teacher framed this on the first day of class.
He asked somebody to raise their hand and ask him when we would use calculus in our everyday life. So one student rose their hand and asked, “When are we going to use this in our everyday life?”
“NEVER!!” the teacher exclaimed. “You will never use calculus in your normal, everyday life. In fact, very few of you will use it in your professional careers either.” Then he paused. “So would you like to know why should care?”
Several us nodded.
He picked out one of the varsity football players in the class. “You practice football a lot during the week, right Tim?” asked the teacher.
“Yeah,” replied Tim. “Almost every day.”
“Do you and your teammates ever lift weights during practice?”
“Yeah. Tuesdays and Thursdays we spend a lot of practice in the weight room.”
“But why?” asked the teacher. “Is there ever going to be a play your coach tells you use during a game that requires you to bench press the other team?”
“No, of course not.”
“Then why lift weights?”
“Because it makes us stronger,” said Tim.
“Bingo!!” said the teacher. “It’s the same thing with calculus. You’re not here because you’re going to use calculus in your everyday life. You’re here because calculus is weightlifting for your brain.”
okay, i don’t hate kids. i think they’re sort of funny. i like that you can talk to them like an adult and they’ll make sounds like they understand. i taught one kid “phosphorescence” and he looked at me and said, “they could just call it glowing if it means something that glows.” the kid undid the entire science community in one sentence.
but i hate kids.
or really, i hate how they’ve always been expected from me.
when i was five i was given “babies.” i hated the hardness of dolls, disposed of them for dramatic stories between stuffed animals. i knew how to wrap, feed, and care for a baby before i could spell my last name. when i was nine i was already “watching the kids”. i was only four years older than my cousins were. i wanted to go out and play. instead i was expected to have responsibility. by the time i was thirteen all of my friends had told me about how many children they were going to have in their twenties.
my hips were “child-bearing” hips. my brother was a scientist, or a fireman, or a steamroller. i was going to make a good housewife, or mom, or nanny, or mom, or mom, or mom.
and when my body hurt, i was told it wasn’t really my body, not really, it belonged to my future children. i couldn’t cut or snip or tie anything; i was trapped by the potential energy that hung above me. a boulder, threatening. i couldn’t get tattoos, because what would i tell my children? i couldn’t kiss a girl, because what would i tell the children? i couldn’t be risky or wild or anything but a lady, because what about the children?
and when i said “i don’t want children” – not biologically, at least, not when cancer and depression and a whole other host of terrible things lives inside me – do you know what they said? “it’ll change, wait and see” “it’s not bad” “you’ll get used to it” “when you meet the right man” “you don’t want to be lonely”.
i don’t hate kids. i’m great with them.
but then i’m told again that my life will be forfeit to them – something in me snaps angry. “wait until you have kids” “you should travel before you have children” “you’ll be more happy.”
i hate kids! i’ve snarled. i don’t mean it at all. but god. please, leave me alone. i don’t want to be a biological mom.
it’s like we’re born with a uterus and told “this is your whole life. your singular purpose. your job.”
i want to be my own purpose. not here for the sake of passing genes on.
This sums up everything I’ve ever felt about societal expectation of motherhood.
– Having constantly protruding breasts is only a feature of humans (and we’re not sure when it evolved, because other primates don’t have that, so don’t necessarily give it to all Hominids, especially ones closer to Chimps and the like). Other mammals just develop their mammary tissue when actively producing milk.
– Having breasts at all is unique to primates! Mammary tissue develops differently in other mammals and while you might call them breasts, they don’t develop in the same anatomical location and thus, aren’t breasts.
– Non-Mammals shouldn’t have breasts at all. Don’t put them on lizards, don’t put them on birds, don’t put them on dinosaurs, don’t put them on crocodiles, don’t put them on frogs fish insects coral molluscs spiders whatever just, just don’t. Mammals are literally named for mammary tissue – the ability to produce milk is solely a mammal thing. We don’t know exactly when they evolved in the group that mammals evolved within (Synapsida), but we know that they don’t exist outside of it.
– I don’t really give a shit that you want to make the animal “female” because, believe it or not, that’s A) transphobic B) ridiculously stupid because all animals literally don’t have mammary tissue unless they’re actively lactating so they don’t require breasts to identify an animal as female, so why should you?
– I don’t give a shit that you find breasts sexy that your own dealio but you shouldn’t put fucking breasts on animals. Like, stop being so anthropocentric. Get over it.
i’m 0% original, but i’m never going to write a coffeeshop au based on my life working at That One Coffeeshop With The Green Logo That Everyone Recognizes, so here’s some fun ideas for someone else to play with
an upside-down macchiato is just a latte. please just order a latte it’s cheaper and less pretentious. you’re ordering it this way to vex me personally, aren’t you
3:45 is too early to be alive
Yes that scar on my arm is from when I took a sandwich out of the oven and molten cheese dripped on me. I know I’m a badass, no need to make a big deal of it
that’s too much esspresso
fuck that guy who put his dirty napkin in the tip jar, wtf
I know you heard me singing to the espresso machine to make it work, and you know i know
I got a cut on my finger and I can’t get the little rubber finger-protector to roll over the bandaid please help me I’ve ripped 4 of them. Also please stop calling it a finger-condom.
We’re out of 2% milk WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Service Animal Alert! let’s all quiver silently with excitement and not be obnoxious while the dog does A Very Good Job We’re So Proud
some (USA) airport-specific stuff
Did you hear about the guy who tried to bring a rifle through TSA? yeah I gave him his coffee. He was really mad.
someone opened a door they shouldn’t have and now every alarm in the world is going off
who pissed off the utility workers. WHO DID IT. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT WE NEED THEM TO TAKE OUT OUR TRASH
No sir I can’t get them to bring the plane back just because you missed it. I’m a barista. I can’t do shit.
This lady had too many bags and didn’t want to pay to get one put in the cargo bay, so she just…. took everything out of it and…..gave us the bag???? i have a new purse now TSA said it was okay????
Dude I don’t think caffeine is going to help with your anxiety about flying. We have chamomile tea instead?
I remember talking to someone who said “I can’t handle when kids get so worked up over dumb things, like a papercut is the worst thing to ever happen to them”
if they’re 3-4, hopefully it IS the worst thing to ever happen to them. out of nowhere there’s hurt, there’s red, there’s BLOOD??? FROM A PAPER?? of course they’re flipping out jesus christ wouldn’t you
i feel like such a huge part of dealing with and loving the babies is understanding what that post said: everything is new to them. sometimes it’s fun and amazing (seeing snow, touching a baby chick) but sometimes it’s very overwhelming.
imagine a carnival, a mall, a loud crowded place, having never experienced it before.
a thing I hear in teaching a lot is “little people have big emotions. it’s our job to create calm, not add to their chaos”
of all the things I’ve made, said, or put in text that hit 1k, this is the best one
BettSplendens Tumblr Evac 