aka “A attempt at resolving/achieving something with less effort than is required for success, & a high probability of it proving merely futile & faintly unpleasant’
I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object (“say bye bus!”) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it.
I’m glad there’s a teacher version of “accidentally called teacher ‘mom’”
when I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call people “my lord”
One time during family prayer, dad began: “our father who art in heaven, American Airlines, how can I help you?”
One time my dad went to the White Castle drive-thru and the lady (who was supposed to say ‘Welcome to White Castle, what’s your crave?’) asked, “Welcome to White Castle, what’s your problem?”
She apologized profusely while my dad proceeded to lose his shit laughing.
Yesterday I went to Wendy’s and the girl said “Welcome to McDonalds” and then just sighed
I keep forgetting what the differences are in the over the counter pain relievers, so I made a handy chart.
THANK YOU OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As someone who suffers from migraines too often, this is perfect. Please share this helpful chart!!
Also, tylenol is good for nerve pain, like fibromyalgia.
Excedrin is also great for migraines because it contains caffeine, they have a line called Excedrin Migraine, but the original is just as effective
yea i knew aleve was fuckin me up for no reason gotta switch asap
Acetaminophen = Paracetamol for non-Americans.
And a tip is, if the medicine has Acetaminophen, DO NOT TAKE ANOTHER MEDICINE WITH THAT IN IT UNTIL THE TIME IS UP!!!!! Like if the first medicine you take says it lasts 8 hours, wait that 8 hours before taking anything else whatsoever with Acetaminophen in it.
The maximum safe dose of Acetaminophen per-dose is about 1000mg, and per-day is up at around 4000mg in a 24-hour period. This is a safe dose to use as an average adult- Remember that doctors will give Acetaminophen to pregnant women, and… frankly, doctors give almost nothing to pregnant women. It’s very safe and mild even at it’s max safe dose, and is generally, fine to be taken with other meds like the chart shows.
Like the user above me said, always know your dosages and always take note of the time you took your last dose. Even super-safe stuff like Tylenol can still fuck your day up if you overdose on it. Your liver and kidneys are important, please take care of them.
If you are worried about keeping track of time – I highly recommend timer caps. They’re meant to fit rx bottles but you can easily decant otc painkillers into one. Super useful y’all
Seconding the effectiveness of timer caps, also for perscription meds that need to be timed/ones that can cause memory lapses, like my anxiety meds. I use these, and they work great. (You do have to dump the meds into the bottle and re-tape the label but honestly it’s NBD).
ALSO remeber to drink a bunch of water when you take meds! Being hydrated helps everything- the meds work better, it keeps your liver and kidneys safe, and it’s a good idea in general.
3484 words of Blackspark grooming and otherwise pampering a newer OC of mine, Sharpshot. No real warnings for this, aside from dealing with some old scars. Literal ones. Technically plug’n’play interface, but not the sexual take on it, just as a way to share information.
All crude jokes aside, Blackspark knew how to handle a
weapon. He had more than one sniper rifle of his own, and, when you came down
to it, a rifle-alt wasn’t terribly different. Heavier around the base, since
there was a living mech inside rather than just the needed components of a
rifle, and with a thicker barrel to make up for the fact that the barrel had to
be made of segments rather than one solid piece. The same general design,
though, with three major differences. First, a rifle-alt could be trusted not
to go off accidentally. Second, you didn’t take a rifle-alt apart for cleaning.
Third, and most pleasantly, regular sniper rifles didn’t sigh quietly in
enjoyment when you were working on cleaning their barrel.
Blackspark had laid a towel over his lap for some padding
and was gently supporting Sharpshot’s alt in one arm, slowly polishing the
barrel with a cloth held in his other servo. Cleaning the interior of the
barrel hadn’t gotten any real response, and from what he’d heard didn’t tend to
be a big deal for most weapon-alts. Made sense, since they were more than used
to standard cleaning after a couple of years and the barrel wasn’t sensitive in
alt mode anyway. But this… well, this wasn’t really necessary, but he’d
promised to pamper Sharpshot.
And from the look of things, nobody had done so in a very
long time. Sharpshot kept his frame clean, of course, but he had more scars on
his alt than were really necessary- mostly in areas that indicated someone had
been none too gentle with the rifle they were hauling. Even a few that looked
like he might have been used as a club.
Grumbling quietly about careless Functionalists, Blackspark shifted the small
mech in his lap to carefully inspect the scars, then switched to a soft brush
to clean the areas over the scars. Rougher metal needed a different scrubber to
get it clean, but Sharpshot didn’t seem to mind. In fact, the plates under
Blackspark’s servos lifted a fraction, allowing him to scrub at the edges.
“Yeah- there we go. Havin’ fun?”
No response, other than a flicker of EM field against his
fingertips. Which was, in itself, a considerable thing, since rifle-alts kept
their fields entirely hidden in alt mode so they wouldn’t distract their
wielder. They also kept their plating firmly down in place for stability. But
this… this was distinctly unusual. Sharpshot was relaxed enough to flicker relaxation/pleasure/appreciation against
Blackspark, to lift his plating and let him under, to start making quiet sounds
of enjoyment at his work. Purring gently, Blackspark shifted the smaller mech
in his lap and tucked the end of the barrel against the side of his neck,
making the encounter just a bit more intimate and fully demonstrating his
trust. Sharpshot could kill him like this, but wasn’t about to- didn’t even
have any energy built up yet. Defenseless, for the moment, and trusting
Blackspark entirely.
It felt excellent.
Letting himself purr, just slightly, Blackspark lingered on
the edges of those slightly raised plates in an effort to reward Sharpshot for
the trust. It worked, too, Sharpshot crooned softly up at him and fluffed the
plating even further.
He’d already gotten all the vital cleaning done, so, once
he’d given everything a good once-over, he set the rifle-alt flat in his lap
and patted approximately where he thought Sharpshot’s chassis was. “A’right,
c’mon out. We aren’t done here,” he purred, watching with a little smile as
Sharpshot had to settle his plating back down to get to the point where he
could transform. Cute- too relaxed to coordinate anything.
And then, well… then he had an attractive little mech in his
lap. Not just in his lap- straddling his legs and blinking up at him with
half-focused optics. Which was tasty, but
now was not the time for suggestiveness, now was the time for gentle affection.
Purring softly, he leaned back and lifted one delicate servo to his lips for a
soft kiss, grinning widely when Sharpshot responded with a rather startled
expression and a hint of flattery/pleasure in their field. Nice.
Pulling his supplies closer, he dipped Sharpshot’s servo
into a basin of a mild solvent, then selected a small, soft brush and began to
gently scrub around his fingers. Very carefully on the tips, then a bit more
firmly around some of the scars, dislodging the grime that tended to build up
in servo joints without removal. It was worse when scar tissue was involved,
the rough metal clung to grime. Couldn’t be comfortable at all, poor mech. It
wouldn’t interfere with Sharpshot’s ability to do their job, but, Primus- must
be hard for him to move his fingers properly.
Humming softly, Blackspark cleaned away everything he could,
then put the solvent aside started to work a few drops of oil into the tiny
joints. Sharpshot’s optics were mostly closed by that point, so he let his gaze
drift up a bit, taking the opportunity to look Sharpshot over from close up.
Such an interesting frame!
His optics were probably the thing that caught people’s
attention at first. One bright red, perfectly round primary optic, often kept
shut indoors, and two smaller, dull orange optics that were set slightly out to
the sides. His antennae were odd, too, seeming unusually short and thick at
first glance. Second glance would reveal that those were actually sheathes, and
that the actual antennae extended from the tips when it was safe. Sheaths like
that were unusual on most frametypes, but relatively common on the audials and
antennae of any mechs with a large gun incorporated into their frame,
especially when their entire frame was a gun.
From there… narrow chassis, lanky stomach, slender hips, a
distinctly delicate-looking frame that made Blackspark want to fit his servos
around Sharpshot’s midsection. His legs were harder to get a look at without
clearly staring somewhere other than his servo, but Blackspark could feel
Sharpshot’s legs around his frame, and he’d seen before in quick once-overs.
Oddly thick plating, but in narrow, vertical pieces, and relatively small pedes
that split into two toes- ooh, with small silicone pads on them. Same pads on
Sharpshot’s fingertips and palms, thin and slightly ridged, meant to help grip
onto surfaces. Pausing again, Blackspark
lightly brushed the pads against his own cheek, then purred reassuringly when
Sharpshot opened all three optics to look up at him. “Don’t mind me, jus’
gettin’ a feel for these. Neat li’l detail. An’, hey- secret li’l pretty
details right in here.”
Most of Sharpshot’s frame was a soft, matte silver with
varying degrees of purple mixed in, seemingly meaningless patterns that would
assemble into countershading in alt mode. His servos were darker, a shadowy
matte purple, and there were thin white lines tracing around the edges of his
fingers and collecting into white at the very tips of his claws. A lovely
little bit of contrast.
Sharpshot opened his optics just enough to look down at his servos,
seeing only the usual colorless gridwork that his secondary optics read in,
then shut his optics again and sighed quietly. “Can’t see color this close up,
remember? Don’t… know what you’re talking about.”
He was expecting it to end at that. It didn’t, though, and
he opened their secondary optics at a quiet clicking sound. Hm- didn’t need to
see color to see that Blackspark had just opened his wrist panel. That was…
interesting, and he carefully held one of the plugs between his fingertips as
he looked up to try and figure out the intent here.
Completely relaxed and pulsing quiet invitation/reassurance/enjoyment, Blackspark revved his engine in
an encouraging gesture, holding his servo where Sharpshot could easily reach.
“You’re missing out, handsome. Here… plug in, I’ll letcha at my visual feed so
you can get a look at your pretty self. No strings, promise. Just a coupla
cables.”
Sharpshot watched him for a moment, thinking, then opened
his own wrist panel and carefully pressed Blackspark’s plug into place. Sure-
why not? Blackspark definitely wasn’t up to anything with him, and he had good
firewalls in any place. Besides… he was curious. So he settled the bounty hunter’s
plug into one of his ports, then offered up one of his own cables, which
hopefully wouldn’t be too small to fit.
It wasn’t. Blackspark’s port had to cycle down a size or
two, but nothing the calipers couldn’t easily do, and the link flickered to
life between them. An offer of a live feed popped up, and, when Sharpshot
accepted, he was viewing Blackspark’s optical feed. A feed of himself, close
up, in color and detail- interesting! He’d never seen close-up details in
color, and-
Oh. Sharpshot
blinked a couple of times, straightening up, then shut his optics to better
focus on the feed. He’d never actually seen what he looked like. His own build,
of course, from looking down at himself, but only being able to see the shapes
of things up close meant that he couldn’t see his own colors or use a mirror in
any way. So this… this was very interesting.
Turning to one side, then the other, he took the opportunity
to look himself over for the first time. Hm- Blackspark might have a point.
Sharpshot wasn’t quite certain what people generally considered attractive, but
he did look quite nice, and- oh, the white details on his servos were definitely
pretty. Come to think of it… so was the rest of him. Hm.
Sharpshot was aware of the overlapping, scale-like plates on
his back, especially as he moved and lifted the plating up, but he’d never
gotten anything like a look at it before. No wonder people wanted to touch his
back- that did look like an interesting texture. And there was the white again,
on the very edges of the plates, where it wouldn’t show up in his alt mode when
the plating was settled in place. Interesting.
Settling against the wall, he half-opened his optics for a moment
to see the colors as he looked over his shoulder, then shivered just a fraction
at the sight of himself. Optics half-shut, lounging against the wall, plating
lifted and smiling just a fraction. That was… hm. Well.
“Ah. No wonder you wanted me to see this. I am hot. Thank you for this.”
Shutting his optics again, Sharpshot turned around and
settled comfortably into Blackspark’s lap, quietly enjoying the feed as he
offered his servos to the larger mech again. “This is… not a level of attention
I am used to, but… I find myself quite enjoying it. Please continue,” he purred,
letting his field wrap softly into Blackspark’s, and practically melted into
the corner and into the hunter’s lap as he obliged.
Genuinely delighted, Blackspark left the plugs in place for
as long as Sharpshot accepted the feed, working the oil gently into his servos
in the meantime. Honestly, the link felt nice- Sharpshot’s port was tight
around his plug, and the rifle-alt’s presence was soft, quiet, and relaxed on
the other end of the link. A pleasant set of sensations, and a wonderful
addition to the enjoyment of feeling Sharpshot relax under his servos. The
rifle couldn’t purr, not quite, but he kept making soft, breathy noises
somewhere between sighs and moans. Not quite suggestive, he was too relaxed for
that, but mm.
Taking his time, Blackspark slowly worked a generous dose of
oil into both of Sharpshot’s servos, especially around the scars, then began to
move up his arms. This was a small and delicate mech, so it took a delicate
touch, but that also meant that there was less space to cover.
Sharpshot stayed relaxed for most of the work, but tensed up
now and then in discomfort when Blackspark got rougher with some of the scars.
Sometimes it took a tougher brush to properly clean them off, to remove the
outer layer of long-dead nanites adhered to the scar tissue, which wasn’t very
pleasant for Sharpshot. Blackspark offered an assortment of distractions,though-
kissing the backs of his servos again, pressing those tiny servo pads to his
cheek or audial fins, or focusing his optics on a detail of Sharpshot’s frame that
he liked in order to give his patient something better to think about. Fortunately,
the only scars on his front large enough to need special attention were on his
servos and arms, his stomach and chassis sported only a few slightly raised
areas that were completely covered in healthy nanites. No joints to oil,
either- just a few transformation seams, everything else was soft muscle
cabling or protoform.
His back was slower, though, and they had to unplug so the
cables didn’t get tangled up while trying to clean this mess. Lots of scars,
lots of transformation seams tucked under plating, lots of work to be done. Not
much of it was comfortable for Sharpshot, unfortunately, and there was very
little that Blackspark could do about it. The scars wouldn’t heal properly like
this, not without cleaning, and removing that outer layer of grime would allow
Blackspark to work in more oil to help loosen the scars up. A necessary- well,
not evil, but unpleasantness. One that had Sharpshot gritting his dentae and
bracing himself against the wall, and had Blackspark feeling distinctly not
okay with the situation. He didn’t like causing people pain, at least not people
he liked, and he liked Sharpshot. So-
time to stop and ask.
Lowering both servos to stroke gently at Sharpshot’s sides,
Blackspark purred softly for a moment, trying to settle the smaller mech down a
bit. “Easy, there… takin’ a li’l break. Sharpshot, you wanna stop? We can stop
for a bit, or for good- don’t really need to strip all these scars now. Really
should at some point, they ain’t gonna get any better ‘till they get some work
done, but we can keep this whole session nice an’ gentle if yer uncomfortable.”
Sharpshot grumbled quietly and shivered, antennae low and
askew, and slowly relaxed into Blackspark’s touches. “No. I want to get this
out of the way, and I suspect this will feel rather nice when you finish.
Continue. I can stand it.”
He could. It wasn’t fun, the scrubbing bordered on pain, but
it was necessary- and he could put up with worse. It required bracing himself,
but it worked. Helped that Blackspark kept-
Well, essentially snuggling him. Nuzzling the back of his
helm, stroking his arms or sides when he got too tense, staying as close to him
as possible while still being able to reach his back. It felt… hm. Completely
opposite of the cleanings he was used to, but it was… mm.
It was amazing.
If a bit confusing when Blackspark proceeded to turn him around. What was he planning to do n-
Ohh-
Blackspark poured a large dose of the oil down Sharpshot’s
back, over all the old marks and scars, and the sensors underneath lit up with fire. Sharpshot tensed and gripped
tightly onto Blackspark’s frame, choking back a hiss of what was definitely pain, then slumped limp and-
Well, moaned. Much louder than expected, because the oil was
soaking into and through the old wounds, soothing the briefly agitated sensors,
and it felt amazing. He felt like he
was melting, and probably looked like it, slumped against Blackspark and
continuing to moan in bliss. It wasn’t intentional, but he was far too relaxed to stop himself.
“Oh, yeah- there we go,” Blackspark purred, holding
Sharpshot gently against his own frame, and slowly stood up in lieu of setting
him down. “You got real relaxed, cutie- tell ya what, how about we take this
back to my berth? Not, uh- not for interface, just- gonna be more comfy. Would
you be a’ight with that, Sharpshot? No pressure.”
Sharpshot didn’t seem coherent, kneading claws quickly
against his arms, but nodded against his throat in response to the question.
Therefore, Blackspark gently carried his bundle of relaxed little mech to his
berthroom across the hall, humming softly as he set the sniper down. “You just
stay riiight there. Gonna be back.”
Blackspark’s berth was large, soft, and lightly shredded.
Not at all surprising, and very comfortable as Sharpshot nuzzled into it. Warm,
soft… mmh.
Now that he was in a quiet place, Sharpshot let his antennae
extend out of the sheaths, feeling the vibrations in the air as Blackspark approached.
Giving a quiet “mrrp” noise, he fluffed his plating into the approaching
servos, then moaned again –albeit quieter- as Blackspark’s servos landed on his
back.
“Aw. Thought you’d relax,” Blackspark purred, stroking
Sharpshot’s back plating, and gradually began to work his fingertips down the
small mech’s spine in firm, careful rubbing motions. Sharpshot didn’t say
anything in response, but pushed up into his servos, groaning softly against
the blankets in clear (if muffled) pleasure.
As Blackspark continued to work, Sharpshot gradually relaxed
again and made a noise almost like a purr, optics shut and face pushed into the
blankets. He felt good, clearly, and
it made Blackspark purr in return at the show. Oh- so pretty, so sweet, so relaxed. Had no one ever done something
like this for him? It certainly seemed like they hadn’t. At the very least, it
had been a very long time, because there was a lot of tension to work out.
More than willing to work out all of said tension,
Blackspark moved down Sharpshot’s back, not shying from the complicated
mechanisms just above his aft, occasionally applying the vibes in his
fingertips ever-so-softly to particularly stubborn cables. From there, he slid
both servos to Sharpshot’s leg, tilting the smaller mech to the side slightly
to put his leg at a good angle, then propped the padded little pede against his
own chassis and went to work. Each section got a thorough cleaning to remove
any grit that had been missed earlier, then a careful massage, easing muscle
cables and lengths of plating back to where they belonged.
And, when Blackspark got to Sharpshot’s pedes, he did
something self-indulgent and lingered there. Sharpshot had thick, dense,
silicone-like pads on the bottoms of his pedes, and massaging the pads was more
than enjoyable. Plus, it made Sharpshot rumble quiet noises of happiness and
push gently into him- apparently it was comfortable.
It was delightful, and
Sharpshot voiced his approval in wordless sounds, lifting his plating against
the touches with every soft noise. So gentle, so meticulous… this was far, far
beyond any cleaning that he actually needed, but he loved it. Didn’t bother to hide it, either, it earned him more attention
and lingering strokes to especially nice areas whenever he purred.
Primus… he’d never had
anyone focus this much attention on him. Not even people who’d been trying to
kill him- they gave up much faster than this. Blackspark was, mm…
A thought occurred to him, and Sharpshot propped himself up
enough to look back over his shoulder at Blackspark, helm tilted slightly. “Are
you trying to get me calm enough to proposition me?”
Blackspark paused, mildly surprised, then purred and
continued working his way back up Sharpshot’s legs. “Nah. Don’ get me wrong, I’m
sure we’d have fun, but no. When I wanna frag, I say so right off. Maybe later.
You ignore tha’ right now, just enjoy this, this’s for you to get all melty.”
Humming softly, he worked his way further up the minibot’s
frame, up to rub at his back again. “Mm- here, you flip over. Let’s keep goin’.
Don’ get me wrong, Sharpshot, I’m enjoyin’ myself. Just keep makin’ those pretty
noises for me.”
A satisfying enough answer. If this was an extended attempt
at a proposition, it would still have been pleasant, but- without any sort of
intent? Even better. Sharpshot turned over, as requested, and watched
Blackspark’s servos travel up to his chassis. There was an overlay of smaller
plates around the center of his chassis, ones that would fold into an extremely
short barrel if needed, and Sharpshot obligingly flared them to allow
Blackspark to work oil into the intricate sliding mechanisms.
Seeing no further reason to stay awake, Sharpshot let his
optics slide shut, relaxing into the berth under surprisingly careful clawed
servos. Blackspark wasn’t going to hurt him, clearly, and he was confident that
he would wake up thoroughly oiled and relaxed.
Which he did.
When he woke up, Sharpshot found himself curled against
Blackspark’s front, with Blackspark wrapped around him but not quite containing
him. A series of slow, deliberate stretches revealed that Blackspark had
loosened and oiled, mm… seemed like literally every joint in his frame,
including the delicate ones around his antennae. Remarkably thorough.
Mm. He should do the same for Blackspark at some point.
You were never meant to be here. Never forget this. You are an ape of the equator, built to run the savannah and swim in tropical waters. Whatever terms and conditions your body has, they are void here. Mother nature never certified to function in a Death World.
Enduring the cold is never a matter of “how much” as much at it is “how long”. Think of it as the water levels of the vieogames you have played. No matter what equipment enables you to remain longer, you can’t stay there indefinitely. The coat that keeps you warm and toasty for three hours in -15 is enough to keep you functional for an hour of -40.
Whatever the locals say, listen to them. Err to the side of caution if you must. You may not endure what they can endure, but you SURE AS FUCKING NOT cannot survive what they say cannot be endured.
That being said, alcohol is a filthy fucking liar and so is anyone who offers it to you. The warmth it gives is an illusion, and a sign of damage. You are worse off feeling comfortable with a mouthful of whiskey as you are freezing your gonads off stone cold sober.
Winter tires. Studded winter tiers are a MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH when you drive on a frozen road. That being said, whatever the locals tell you that your car will need to run as theirs do, take it. Taking the risk of being pranked is worth survival, and you can always stab their tires in the spring if they were shitting you.
Eat. For the love of god, make sure that you eat. Heavier meals might be unpalatable at first for someone used to lighter nutrition, but maintaining bodily warmth in a cold climate takes up a lot of energy, and you will feel tired and drowsy for a long while shile your metabolism adjusts to producing more heat than Mother Nature ever intended. The skinny people in your party are especially vulnerable, ensure their well-being on a regular basis.
If you have a smartphone/other essential technology on your body, keep them close to your body to keep them warm. They were not designed to be frozen any more than you were.
Sleep is death. SLEEP IS DEATH. Never, ever stop to rest in the cold, if you do not have the means to make a fire/otherwise produce heat. The cold tires you out because keeping warm takes energy, but taking a rest will not return your energy. If you feel the need to sit down and rest because you are tired because of the cold, call for help. This is not a hyperbole, if you feel like you are too tired to go on in a cold climate, CALL A FUCKING AMBULANCE. If you fall asleep in the snow, you will not wake up. Hypothermia can and will literally kill you.
Avoid skin-to-snow-contact if you can. It hurts because you were not supposed to do it. Consider ice to be like acid. Touching is bad for you.
Feel free to add to the list if you feel like I missed something.
Some things to add from a native northerner moved south who’s surrounded by people who know fuck-all about harsh winter weather:
If you are expecting severe weather that might take out your electricity, and you can afford a generator, GET ONE. They aren’t terribly cheap but you can find one in the $400-500 range at Home Depot or any other store like it really.
Gas up your car. Seriously. If your power goes out and you need to move because your current residence is in the sub-fucking-zeros you need to have fuel to get where your going. Not only that but even IF you don’t have anywhere to go, sitting in a car with the heat running is much better than freezing your ass to death in your house.
Stock up on water bottles and canned goods. You will need both if you get snowed in. Eating is absolutely essential to staying alive, because as OP stated, keeping warm burns a LOT of calories.
If you have time before the storm hits, buy some good, thick blankets. Wool or fleece are your two best bets. Hell, if you can’t find a good place to get blankets, go to Walmart and buy straight up fabric. The more, the better.
If you have a pet reptile, and the power goes out and the temperature inside your house is very cold, don’t feed them, and don’t leave them in their tank. Take them out, put them on your chest, and wrap yourself in a blanket with them. The best way at this point to keep them alive will be to share the body heat you have.
Bring your pets inside. Yes, I’m looking at you, Nancy with the “outdoor cat”. Their cute little toe beans will freeze the fuck off and they’ll die of hypothermia. I don’t care if your 300 pound Tibetan Mastiff isn’t housebroken, unless you wanna explain to your 2-year old why Captain Fluffball is frozen to your front porch, bring him in.
If you have a fireplace, utilize it, but don’t set a fire inside your house that you can’t control. And don’t use fucking gasoline. That’s how you blow shit up.
If you’re stuck out in the cold and you start to feel tired and strangely warm, you have hypothermia. Get the fuck to a place with actual warmth. Leave your clothes on. The cold is lying to you. You’re not hot, you’re slowly freezing to death. If you can, call a fucking ambulance.
Remember that extremities freeze first. That means your toes, your nose, and your fingers. Layer the fuck UP. If I have to go out in the snow, I usually wear a pair of knit/fleece gloves under a pair of snow gloves. And then I duct-tape that shit to the sleeves of my coat. It looks silly but it keeps moisture from getting stuck in there and freezing my hands off. For shoes, wear boots and like, 3 pairs of socks. The warmer and fuzzier, the better. Your feet will thank you. If you have a ski mask, use it. If not, wear a scarf and wrap that shit as tight around your face as you can.
On the topic of moisture, if any part of you gets wet while you’re outside, locate the nearest warm place you can go to and take the wet garment off and dry that shit. I don’t care if it’s your socks, your shirt, or your undies. Get em off and get em dry. Wet clothes are a fast way to get yourself frozen to death.
If you absolutely need to do shit outside, velcro or duct tape your gloves and boots to your sleeves and pants. I know it will limit your movements a bit. I know that it will look stupid. I know it will be hard to get off. But duct tape doesn’t let SHIT through it. And as I’ve mentioned before, you don’t want ANYTHING you’re wearing to get wet.
If you do have a portable heater or fire or heat in your home or whatever, have a fan blowing too. It will spread the warm air around faster. It might not feel warm at first, but it’s circulating the air. It will heat up eventually.
If you’re with other people, huddle up with them. Share your body warmth. Have a nice cuddle session with your friends/family/neighbors. It might just save you.
IF A CHILD IS IN THE SNOW, THEY WILL FREEZE A WHOLE FUCKIN LOT FASTER THAN YOU WILL. This doesn’t mean be chivalrous and give them your coat. It means you pick their tiny ass up and shove them IN your coat or hold them as close as you can while you try to get to a warmer area. The smaller they are, the faster they freeze. Time is absolutely critical. And if your kid is out in the snow, you need to be out there with them and keep your eyes on them at all times.
Finally, invest in a blow dryer. If your hair gets wet and you gotta go back out in the cold, you’re going to be miserable as fuck. Blow dry your hair so it can be nice, warm, and voluminous when you go back out to punch Jack Frost in the face.
(I’ve been reading so many posts about earth being Space Australia the Death World that I didn’t even notice there weren’t aliens in this one until my third read-through, so I’m counting it for the blog theme.)
A few further points from me, having grown up in Canada’s coldest major city:
The wind can be even more dangerous than the cold, and if your skin is exposed to it, it can freeze and even necrotise. Frostbite is a serious medical problem. So bundle up; wear a touque, wear your hood up, wear a balaclava or hike your scarf up over your nose because you could lose it otherwise. If the wind gets in your face, walk backwards. That’s not a prank; walk backwards.
If it’s really cold, your gloves aren’t going to do shit; you’ll want mittens and handwarmers. It’s not convenient but at least you won’t be dropping fingercicles on the frozen pavement.
There is no such thing as winter chic. Not in a place with a real winter. You’re going to look like a bundle of cloth if you dress properly anyways, so there’s no sense in trying to be stylish about it. There is no fashionable/unfashionable, there’s only practical/impractical
Get a block heater for your car; if you come from a cold place, it’s probably standard equipment.
If you fall through ice into frozen water and can’t climb out, allow yourself to freeze to the ice – someone might see you and save you, even if you pass out.
Snow is a great insulator and if you need to, you can build shelter out of it. A quinzee is fastest. It can keep you alive if you are lost.
PUT A SHOVEL IN YOUR CAR. PUT AN EMERGENCY WINTER SUPPLY KIT IN YOUR CAR.
In a blizzard, do not travel. I know you’d rather be home than stuck at work overnight. But low visibility in a blizzard is not the same as low visibility in fog. You can get easily twisted around in areas that you know like the back of your hand, and no one will be able to see you to help you if you need it. Do not travel in blizzards.
Related to this: the normal rules do not apply in the cold. You can knock on a stranger’s door for help; you can take strangers in to warm up. You can approach a stranger in the cold and offer them rides if they look like they need help. Children should know that if forced to choose “talking to strangers to ask for help” and “freezing to death,” they are to choose “talking to strangers.”
If you ARE too warm in your many layers, but it is still deathly cold out, DO NOT unzip your coat. Lowering the temperature of your core is dangerous. You can easily cool down by removing a mitt or glove. You can lose fingers and toes if your extremities aren’t protected, but if your core gets too cold you can die.
Do not go ANYWHERE without appropriate winter gear, even if you think it’ll only be a quick jaunt from here to there. You never know when your car will break down or get stuck. You need that coat.
Don’t leave either your children or your pets in your car while you go into a store, or my god what is WRONG with you?
Everyone who has grown up in a cold climate knows what it feels like to be so cold you can’t bend your fingers or feel your face, knows what it’s like to be so cold that touching anything warm burns, to be so cold it takes hours to warm up, to be genuinely worried that they’ll lose their fingers or toes. No one will judge you for being so cold you start crying only to have your eyelashes freeze together. We’ve all been there. We will help.
Fun fact – after moving to a much colder area I’ve gained 6 kilos. Skinny people can and will store additional fat – it’s to help them survive after changing climate zones. If you are moving to another climate area (namely, colder climate area), invest in a better wardrobe. Boots with thick sole. In Russia we have valenki and we wear woolen socks underneath
Wool is your friend. The fluffier the better. The more fluff the better insulation. Skiing clothes are also a good help, especially coupled with other layers and wool. And, oh! If you can, get one of those:
Woolen shawls like these ones are usually handmade, so as to preserve the fluff, and they are wonderful for heat insulation. You can use one for yourself, you can bundle up your kid, and it’s gonna be warm and snug. Like, I wore one when we hit a -30C streak a while ago, and it was nice.
GUARD YOUR HIPS! I mean, it’s pretty easy to bundle up your torso, but your hips and thighs and knees… Yep. Not so much. If you have some woolen kneewarmers for arthritis, or you can procure some for yourself – do it.
Okay wear does one acquire such a shawl because I a) need that for aesthetic reasons and b) it’s so fucken cold in my house help
(Google tells me that this is an Orenburg Shawl)
The reason wool is great is because it stays warm when wet, polar fleece does too but never seems as toasty.
If you allergic to wool and can afford it get silk long underwear and sock/glove liners and wear them under woolens. If you can’t afford it try to find a cheaper alternative. Also figure out which kind of wool you are least reactive to because even with a base layer you are going to get itchy.
Back to pets: if you have fish and the power goes out cover the tank with space and wool blankets right away. Every once in a while check the temp, if it is falling below ideal scoop out some of the water and warm it over a camp stove, not too hot, then gently pour the water back in. This will also help aerate the tank a little. plus it gives you something to do if you’re bored.
Also, if you know the powers is likely to go out you should fill the tub/buckets with as much water as you can. You can boil it for warm drinks and bucket flush the toilet, which you’re going to want.
Edited to add: this is no joke. My cousin’s friend fell asleep in his car a couple winters back and froze to death. It happens. Be safe.
I have had several friends move to Canada and not realize that you can lose fingers. Also, if it doesn’t look like you gained 30 pounds its not a winter coat.
Canadian here: A good winter coat isn’t necessarily “you gained 30 lbs” unless you’re north of the tree line, but that’s a good guideline. Personally I swear by military-issue wool trenchcoats as a nice combination of thin, flexible, full-coverage, water-tolerant (and mildly resistant), warm, and usable in the summer – but keep in mind that we bottom out at -20 here in a typical winter. (Our big problem is that it’s wet and windy.)
A few tiny details I can add:
When shopping for a coat, check the fastenings (zipper, buttonholes, etc) for a cover flap that can be anchored in place (on a zipper, generally by velcroing to the other side of the zipper; on my trenchcoat it’s sewn over the buttons). Even if it looks like a good coat otherwise, this is a dealbreaker – without it, the wind will stab you directly in the chest with a thousand needles at the slightest provocation.
That thing above about the blow drier? Downplays how miserable wet hair is. It will freeze. Into icicles. Directly on your neck/face. And insult to injury, you will lose hair if and when you break one.
Get a backup battery for your phone. When traveling, keep it in a pocket against your body. Your phone is your only lifeline in an emergency, when you need help you will need it now, and cold eats batteries for breakfast. Having a warm battery can make the difference.
Do not drive faster than the locals, unless you have no particular will to live. Ever. Of particular note, 4WD/AWD doesn’t make a single fucking bit of difference on ice. Every year in my area a couple people get killed because they forgot that.
On a related note: If you have to drive in the snow, your instinct will be to follow the tracks of the last guy. This is generally good advice – in most snow conditions it will improve traction – but be careful. There have been a few times I almost followed someone’s tracks right into their accident.
Layer with different materials. Wool is a great insulator, but knit wool in particular is extremely porous; you want something tighter either below or above it.
Do not cross running water without a bridge, or still water without an experienced guide or a clear manmade trail. (Do not drive across a body of water period. This is an advanced skill, and failing will kill you. You are not a local.) You’d think this would be obvious, but every year when I lived in Truro at least one person would get to watch their car floating away on an ice floe – if they were lucky.
The Norwegian Mountain Code is a short list of basic rules to follow when TRAVELLING IN HARSH, COLD TERRAIN.
If you need to take a rest while out and there is deep snow, MAKE A SNOW CAVE. Snow is airy. It will insulate. Make sure the entry is BELOW THE SPACE WHERE YOU WILL REST as warm air travels upwards. The smaller the cave, the less air for you to lose body heat to. MARK THE CAVE with skis, branches, anything tall. Call for help. It helps to know where you are – a GPS is useful, your phone will do.
BRING THE SHOVEL INSIDE. You might need to re-open the entrance if it’s windy. You can always use your skis to dig a cave if needed be.
You can make a sitting/laying place inside the snow cave from twigs or branches to avoid contact with the snow.
When dressing, ALWAYS layer:
innermost layer is wool. Always.
outermost layer waterproof. Windproof inside of that one.
remember that clothes will not keep you warm. AIR KEEPS YOU WARM. Make sure your layers are not too tight – you want your clothes to TRAP AIR between you and the environment to minimise heat loss.
Re-emphasizing the ‘Cold Sucks The Life Out of your Battery’ – I don’t know how many times my car battery died due to the bitter cold. Like, it just went ‘nope, too cold’ and refused to start my car.
My friend has to go take pictures for work, even in the winter – She makes sure to have her phone plugged into an external battery tucked inside her bra, cord strung through her coat sleeve, because her phone battery alone goes from ‘100%’ charged to ‘10% charged, plug in!’ with zero apps running, in less than a half hour. I have watched it happen. Warmth saves your batteries. cold kills it.
ALSO: WOOL, NOT COTTON! Wool wicks water away from your skin, and stays warm even when wet. Cotton will hold that soggy foot sweat right to your skin, and suck all your heat away. Tends to give you boot blisters faster, too. That cotton T-shirt getting sweaty is going to drop your core heat fast af if you open your coat.
Water resistant boots. With actual traction. Cute booties with smooth soles are to be worn inside only. If you plan to be outside a while, those boots with the rubber lower part and the removable felt inserts are what you want. The insert can be dried (fully dried, not meh kinda dry) in front of the fridge or over an air vent.
If you’re driving/in public transit and walking and otherwise in an urban area, you still want to winterize your boots. Rub some good quality dubbin on them if they are leather. Check if you can get some with wool already sewn in, preferably not just at the cuff as decoration.
Also, on the car: if you are running your car to stay warm, make sure that the exhaust pipe is clear. If it gets blocked by snow, you are going to have a bad day.
Rebloggig for that shawl. I want one.
All excellent points … but why is there no mention of down? And we’re not talking about any of that down-alternative mess. Real honest to goose down!
Down is a very fluffy, and excellent insulator, especially when paired with Gore-Tex waterproof material (what the military uses fyi…) Is it cheap? No. But if you’re going to live in a frigid environment, some things are worth the cost. Just make sure it is 100% down and not a down and feather blend. Also look for a high fill-ratio (the amount of down in the garment itself) and “quilted” squares (the smaller, the better) that keep the down from shifting around the garment. If you can’t afford a full down coat, look for a well-filled down vest to keep your torso insulated.
Wool is an excellent insulator too, but I see no mention of the different types of wool out there. There’s sheep’s wool, goat’s wool (aka cashmere), alpaca, and llama wool. Alpaca wool for example is warmer, softer (not prickly or scratchy), has no lanolin (which makes it hypo-allergenic), and is almost completely naturally waterproof. Woven or felted wool will keep you warmer than knitted or crocheted wool. Any sheepskin or shearling clothing items should be turned so the skin faces outward, and the wool is toward your skin for maximum warmth – just be sure its real sheepskin, and not synthetic.
Silk is also an excellent natural insulator, and makes for a wonderful base layer in the form of socks, glove liners, and long underwear. Buy it from a reputable source to insure the best protection!
I’m going to veer into a red zone with this one … but … genuine animal furs (especially when sourced as ethically as possible) will provide you with excellent protection from the viciousness of extreme winter weather. Make no mistake, I am not talking about the fashion coats seen in department stores or on runways. Rather the very practical, and necessary, fur coats, pants, footwear, and other outerwear that native peoples world-wide have been sporting since the last ice age. If you are going to live in an extreme environment, be prepared to do what is actually necessary to survive!
LAYERS!!! … LAYERS!! … LAYERS!!!
Some other good winter advice:
Invest in a box of chemical hand warmers (the kind you snap to activate) and keep them in your car. Should you become stranded, or need to leave your vehicle, activate them and place them in your boots, mittens, under your hat, and close to your chest. They will help keep you warm until you reach safety.
Keep at least a 4 day supply of MRE’s in your car – especially if you live in, or travel thru, any suburban or rural area. Not only will these have all the nutrients you need to keep you alive, but they also come with a little chemical cooker pack that can be used to melt snow for drinking water. These can easily be sourced thru any Army surplus store, and have a shelf life of years.
Speaking of water … if you ever are stranded anywhere DO NOT EAT SNOW IN PLACE OF DRINKING WATER!! Your body will burn precious calories trying to convert the snow to water. You need those calories to keep you warm and alive! Keep a source of heat on hand to melt the snow for you, as well as a heat safe container.
if you live in an extreme winter weather zone, get a set of tire chains and learn how to put them on, and use them, LOOOOOOONG before you ever need them. Keep them in your car.
Sleeping bags, sleeping bags, sleeping bags!!! No lie, a sleeping bag can mean the difference between life and death if you are stranded in your car in winter. I speak from personal experience on this one. Find yourself a heavy-duty, thick, wide and long sleeping bag. Get fully dressed in your winter gear (boots and all) and hop inside it – if you can’t do this easily, and if it doesn’t cover you up to at least your chin, keep looking till you find one that does! Keep at least 2 in your car from the last gasp of summer until it has fully returned. No excuses! You won’t always be able to run your car to keep warm when stranded, so you better have a plan b. Should you ever need to use it DO NOT REMOVE ANY CLOTHING BEFORE CLIMBING IN!! You will need all the protection you can get to stay alive! Share your sleeping bag with any small children to keep them warm too.
Set your cellphone to alert you to any weather warnings. Most come with the feature, but it may require you to turn it on or update settings. This is important all year, not just in winter. It is best that you “shelter in place” during severe weather, but if you can’t do that, make sure to plug your phone in to the charger while your car is running. This way it will be fully charged. Once you unplug it, keep it warm as advised above.
Get yourself some quality sunglasses, or better yet, snow-goggles. Snow blindness is a real thing and very dangerous. Likewise, if its cold enough, you can get frostbite on your eyeballs.
Let people know you are going out, where you are headed, how you will be getting there, the route you will be taking, and how long you anticipate being gone for. No one will know to look for you if they don’t know you went out!!!
And one last thing, if you become stranded in your car during a heavy blizzard, the following are absolute musts:
DO NOT run your engine unless you can, and do, maintain a 4 foot clearance around your exhaust. This includes horizontal AND vertical clearance. Failing to do so results in death. No ifs, ands, or buts about it … you will die!
Allow the cabin area of your vehicle to become covered in snow. This will act like an igloo and help keep you warm. Do not allow more than 3 feet of snow to accumulate on the roof of your car. Wet snow is especially heavy and can collapse the roof, trapping and killing you.
Periodically clear the area around a door on the leeward (downwind) side of the vehicle so that the door can be fully opened and in a full arc at least 3 feet away from the vehicle. You may be stranded, but nature will still call. Also, you can’t dig yourself out after the storm passes if you can’t get out of your vehicle.
REMEMBER … IT IS BEST TO STAY SOMEWHERE SAFE (”SHELTER IN PLACE”) UNTIL SEVERE WEATHER PASSES!!! If you must go out in it – it is best to be over-prepared!!!
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