Steve Irwin travels back and forth between heaven and hell to make the most watched TV show as of yet: The Crocodile Hunter vs. Satan’s Abominations
Transcription of Celestial T.V. Spot: Steve Irwin’s Abyssal Creatures, #S15-2. Location: The Abyss, Layer #66, the Demonweb. Starring Steve Irwin, Directed by Inias, Produced by Metatron, All rights reserved: Celestial Broadcasting Center (CBC) and The Lord, He Who Is On High. Reproduction and/or distribution without express permission is punishable by a fine of up to $5,000 or eternity in Hell.
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Steve Irwin crouches beside a gnarled tree covered in thick webbing.
STEVE: G’day, I’m Steve Irwin. I’m here in the Abyss today, on layer 66, which you may know as the “Demonweb.” Come on over here. Let me show you a real beauty. (indicates creature). That big fella right there is called a bebilith. She must be four and a half meters tall. Now look at those legs! Those legs! Wow! Those legs could skewer me in one bad step. Or a good step if she’s looking for it (laugh).
The bebilith drinks moaning souls from a steaming cesspool, then scuttles over to a stone spire to begin covering it in webbing.
STEVE: She’s got eight legs like an arachnid, but she’s no ordinary house spider, I can tell you. She’s also got those big old claws. See that curve at the end like a fish hook? Or I guess pry-bar is a better comparison because she’ll take those wicked beauties and put them right here (indicates sternum) and tear me open like a bag of crisps. We’ll try to avoid that today (laugh). Come on, let’s try to get a closer look.
Steve carefully stalks closer and pauses when the bebilith looks at him.
STEVE: Here we are. She’s taken notice of me. Get a look at those eyes. They’ve got the visage of damned souls in there, and she’s trying to bind me with fear, because that’ll make me easy prey. If I’m afraid, I’ll freeze. I’m not that easy mate. Nice try. I’m making small movements to show I’m not paralyzed with fear, but I’m still taking it slow so she doesn’t perceive me as a threat. That’s it, mate. That’s it, mate.
Steve moves closer.The bebilith produces webbing from its backside and flings some at Steve. He dodges and circles the bebilith slowly.
STEVE: Boy! What a right trick she’s got. (laugh). Did you see what she did there? That webbing’s not actually all that dangerous. None of the toxins you’ll see in the Nest Shriekers, and nowhere near the tensile strength of a Derragon. She’s just trying to pin me down, even for a moment. But if she’s got that moment, she’ll charge and then it’s all over for old Steve. Let’s not give her that moment, what do you say? (laugh). Come on, Mate. That’s it. Come on.
Steve approaches to within arms length of the bebilith. It remains stationary, but watches him.
STEVE: She’s still trying to figure me out. I’m not all that bad. You’re a beauty. Wow, look at that chitin. Imagine a Archon’s Sword on that armor. She’s like a tank. (bebilith shifts). Whoa, mate. Let’s keep away from those claws. Whoa, mate. Come on, mate. There we go. (laugh). That’s right. I’m trying to put her at ease. A lot of people think demon’s are composed of pure chaos and evil, and that couldn’t be farther from the truth. They’re just the lovely little gifts we get from the Abyssal Maw. They just need respect. Don’t take that to mean you should walk right up and pet one, though. Don’t forget, I’m a professional. Just look at her. Wow!
BEBILITH: (Abyssal curses)
STEVE: Listen to that. Doesn’t that just amaze you? What a commanding voice. What a majestic sound. She’s got a real range of vocalizations that she can use to warn off intruders or plant the seeds of madness in the mortal mind. It’s a beauty. Wow. Now, you may notice I’m keeping to her side right here. That’s for good reason, friends. I told you about her claws, but I’m also keeping some distance from that wicked pair of mandibles she has there. Look at them. Wow! Must be 20 centimeters long. If she bites down on me, she’ll pump a good half-liter of poison right into my veins that’ll seize up my muscles in the blink of an eye. (laugh). Then I’m ripe for the picking. Boy, what a bad day that would be. You’ve got a thousand ways to kill, don’t you, mate?
The bebilith turns away from him and begins etching arcane runes into a bleached human skull with a sharp claw. Steve wraps his arms around a leg in a hug-like embrace.
STEVE: There we go, girl. There we go girl. (petting her). I can call her “girl” now because we’re in love. She knows I’m not here to hurt her, and I know she’s not interested in laying a clutch of eggs in my intestines. She may look like a giant spider-crab made of spines, but I know she’s just a big softy. We were lucky to find her today. Here in the Demonweb, bebiliths are becoming harder and harder to find. Layer 66 in general is shrinking as other infinite layers grow and spring into existence. It could get squeezed down until our girl doesn’t have the habitat to sustain her soul harvests any longer. What a shame. But that’s just the way of life in the Abyss.
Steve touches the bebilith for a moment longer, then carefully backs away towards the camera.
STEVE: In a few millennia we might see the layer bounce back, and hopefully our girl here will still be going strong. Until then, we’ll let her be. Oh, look at that beauty. Wow! I hope you had as wild a time as I did here with this beautiful bebilith. I’m real excited we could make the trek all the way down here. The Abyss can be an amazing place if you know where to look. Thank you for joining me, and I hope to see you again soon on “Steve Irwin’s Abyssal Creatures.” G’day!
Wow! You had me smiling the entire read. I love the story @drrove
More please.
Well, since you said “please.” This one’s a bit longer, so make sure to hit “Keep reading” for the whole thing.
Excerpt from “This Heavenly Morning with Archangel Gabriel,” Steve Irwin fiendish creature spot. Original air date: 10 March, 2015. Property of CBC, all rights reserved.
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GABRIEL: Our next guest this morning truly needs no introduction. You’ll know him from his hit series here on CBC, “Abyssal Creatures…” It’s Steve Irwin!
AUDIENCE: (applause)
Steve enters stage left, shakes Gabriel’s hand, and sits with one leg under him.
GABRIEL: It’s great to have you back, Steve.
STEVE: Oh, it’s always an honor. It’s a pleasure.
GABRIEL: You look great. It’s a rare delight to see you on the Heavenly Mount. For someone granted eternal bliss, you sure spend a lot of time in the lower planes.
AUDIENCE: (laughter)
STEVE: Oh, it’s always an adventure. There’s just so much that the lower planes have to show, and it’s always such an honor to get to bring out that other side of fiendish creatures that so often gets overlooked. It’s a wild ride.
GABRIEL: Your show’s doing great. You’re on your eighth season now, is that right?
STEVE: Eight seasons. That’s right.
AUDIENCE: (applause)
STEVE: And there’s still so much more we can do.
GABRIEL: We actually have a clip from your latest season. Would you like to set it up for us?
guess what, it’s time for an all-new exciting episode of Weird Biology! today we’re investigating this lovely flower that I just found. it was just sitting innocently on a tree branch and it’s a lovely shade of pink, so I-
hang on, it just moved.
what the fuck. lemme just…
aaand it just stabbed me in the finger. sorry folks, turns out we aren’t dealing with a flower at all! it’s the frilly, fashionable master of disguise,
AHA! IT WAS ME ALL ALONG! STAB!
the first westerner to describe the Orchid Mantis in 1879 (a journalist from Australia) thought he was seeing a moving, carnivorous flower! obviously he was wrong, as flowers absolutely don’t do that! ha ha! (the point is, it’s an easy mistake to make. especially if you’re a journalist from 1879.)
the Orchid Mantis is a perfect flower mimic, with a dazzlingly sinister sense of fashion.
SO sinister.
the Orchid Mantis is found in the rainforests of Southeast Asia, from Malaysia to Thailand. they are small and delicate, covered with High Femme pastel frills that conceal their deadly mantid forelegs. (mostly. it’s like seeing the outline of a switchblade under a fancy skirt.)
females grow to be about 3 inches long, while males barely reach half that. they range in color from delicate pinks to lacy purples to eggshell white to that obnoxious pale yellow you only see in Easter decorations.
and except for the giant alarming eyeballs, they look exactly like, well. orchids.
THE BETTER TO SEE YOU WITH, MY DEAR.
like all praying mantids, the Orchid Mantis is a carnivore who feasts on the flesh and possibly souls of lesser insects. but with their fantastically flamboyant fashions, how are they supposed to hunt? well, the answer probably won’t surprise you!
because the Orchid Mantis looks so much like a flower, the pollinators come to it. butterflies, bees, moths, you name it. they buzz in, thinking they’ll get a mouthful of nectar and some pollen like good buggy citizens. and what does the Mantis do when these well-meaning helpful friends show up?
why, they prey.
THE BETTER TO STAB YOU WITH, MY DEAR.
also like all praying mantids, the Orchid Mantis worships the silent gods of Slice n’ Dice. when a delicious butterfly or bee bumbles too close, the Mantis promptly stabs the fuck out of it with a lightning-fast strike, and chows down.
in other words, they’re three inches of Death Metal contained under a thin veneer of tea party.
maybe a tea party where the hostess stabs you in the chest.
when they aren’t victimizing kind and helpful insects who only wanted to see a cool flower, the Orchid Mantis goes about the business of continuing the species. since adults only live about 8 months in the wild, this is more of an urgent matter than you would expect.
because Orchid Mantises are pretty rare and not studied often, we’re not actually sure how the deed is done in the wild. (I’M FINE WITH THAT.) if it’s anything like captive breeding programs, most of the dudes just get straight-up eaten. the Orchid Mantis lady is in complete and terrifying control of the situation, and often prefers a snack to the gentle embrace of a lover.
mantids are just kind of like that.
role model?
if the dude mantis is successful in his efforts, the lady mantis will then go off and lay 50-100 eggs clustered on a stem surrounded by a gross protective foam. in 5 to 6 weeks, the baby mantises will emerge and begin eating each other immediately.
(mantises are HARDCORE.)
seriously though, the babies (which look like itty-bitty adults) are red and black when they hatch. they disperse rapidly into the underbrush, at least the ones who don’t get cannibalized by a sibling. (that was real. did you think that wasn’t real?)
in a few weeks, the babies will molt and grow out of their Goth phase, emerging in the true High Femme style of their parents.
WE WILL NEVER SLEEP! ‘CAUSE SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK!
because Orchid Mantises are so rarely seen, we’re not actually sure how they’re doing in the wild. it is believed that they are under threat from habitat destruction, as many of the rain forests they live in are plowed over. these frilly creatures need protection and support if we want them to still lurk stabbily in the wild.
however, the Orchid Mantis is extensively bred in captivity for the pet trade. it is the most popular kind of Mantis in the pet trade (for very good reasons), and its beauty and stabby nature will likely be around for a long time yet.
whether you like it or not.
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thanks for reading! you can find the rest of the Weird Biology series here.
if you enjoy my work, maybe buy me a coffee or check out my Patreon to see extra content and support Weird Biology.
I love how to my very tired brain this seems like some kind of deep passage about how home is where the heart is and I went “aw”, and scrolled down a good six posts before going “wait fuCKIGN MINUTE.”
Wait a minute, is the plover an actual animal? I always thought this scene was listing plumbers as migratory animals, and I was just like “yeah that checks out, it’s Monty Python after all. Probably a British joke I don’t get.”
Plovers are a migratory shorebird! there are many species of plover, but the Piping Plover is the most famous becuase of it’s ubiquitousness and FUCKING ADORABLE BABIES:
they lay their eggs in the sand, get crazy territorial, and when it’s cold out, they stuff thier babies into thier soft underfluff:
Which results in hilarity like this:
If you go to a beach and little birds with long legs are running back and forth right at the edge of the water, darting after the waves to probe furiously into the sand before running away from the waves, those are probably plovers. They eat little invertebrates that live in the wet sand, and, funnily enough, they can’t actually swim. See their little feets? No webbing. They aren’t waterproof, either, they just make do by avoiding water.
my 20g as of right now! really liking how it turned out
Nice! Love cherry barbs. There’s a few nice males in there.
For those unaware, those are cherry barbs. Much less aggressive than most species of barb, they do well in communities. Most of their chasing is for show, they don’t nip fins or bully. They have the best colors when they have plenty of cover, like here. Those especially bright red ones are males, and that really bright one to the left is probably the dominant male.
BettSplendens Tumblr Evac 