Context: Same game I’m playing as Animated Armor. It’s been a little while, since the lake incident and we’re just getting started with the next session. Our healer, the elf whom I get along well with in our party is now determined to find something to help me speak. (I can’t due to not having vocal cords) The Paladin hates me more than ever for having almost drowned him and forced him to walk around naked for a while.
*While in a tavern, the rouge is off trying to gather information for employment and the other two eat while I just stand around not really being of any use because there is nothing useful I can do at the moment when the elf turns to me*
Cleric: Oh so the Paladin was the first man ever inside you?
*Ooc the elf’s player is giggling her butt off at this point, and I nod to answer*
Paladin: What’s your point elf?
*She turned her head to the Paladin with the most wicked smile I’d ever seen on her*
Cleric: Why don’t you see? You’ve taken our poor fighter’s virginity!
Paladin: He’s a walking suit of armor! There’s nothing to take!
Cleric: How else is he suppose to be intimate?
Me ooc: I roll for embarrassment
DM: What?
Me ooc: I roll to see how embarrassed I am
DM: okay…uh..go for it, 20 sided, higher rolls means the more embarrassed you are.
*Me, rolls a 19*
DM: Your entire helmet starts to visibly glow red, prompting concern looks from the other patrons and revealing your secret crush that’s developed upon the Paladin since the ‘incident’
Paladin ooc: You serious?
Me: I run out the tavern covering my face from the embarrassment.
DM: Uh…run a perception check?
*Fails and proceeds to trip over a stool, my burning helmet/head then caught a rug on fire and burned half the tavern down and injuring several people. The rest of the session after we fled the town proceeded with the elf shipping me and the Paladin hard time*
I’m a first time player and the DM is a close friend determined to get me to play a game of D&D. We worked closely together on a very interesting homebrew for my first character based off of one of my drawings. A suit of animated armor that no one knows is really just an empty living construct. Keep in mind that when I take too much damage, I’m forced to fall into a kind of paralysis rest period.
My party, a dwarf rogue, a human paladin and an elf cleric and I are working to clear a bandit dungeon that keeps raiding a nearby town. I get along well with the elf and the human gets along well with the dwarf, but me and the Paladin don’t get along due to me being chaotic neutral. In this dungeon we encounter a warlock there that has been helping them for unknown reasons. Most of us are starting to get low on HP after so many fights.
DM: The wizard sees you and casts fireball…
Me: I roll to block with my shield!
DM: Okay, roll for fortitude, reflex and will
Cleric OOC: Will?
Me & DM: …
*Rolls good on fortitude and reflex but crit fails on will*
DM: You successfully block the fireball protecting your party, however, you fall to pieces, your armor empty…
Rogue OOC: Wait? He was burned to ashes protecting us?
Paladin: NOOOOOOO!
*Party proceeds to kick ass to avenge me and while this is going on and I excuse myself to make everyone some food lying about rolling for a new character after I get back*
*Several turns pass as I come back with hot dogs, chips and drinks. The party has left the dungeon to recover, DM texts me that the Paladin shed his armor to don me in respect and memory of my friendship and sacrifice, then then made camp near a lake*
*As everyone sleeps while the Paladin keeps watch the DM turns to me*
DM: You wake up staring at a lake and realize that someone is inside you
ME: I freak out and decide to jump into the lake
*Everyone else at the table looking severely confused as the DM turns to the paladin*
DM: Roll for breath…
And that’s how I nearly drowned our Paladin and forced him to walk around naked until we could replace his armor.
so like, me and herzspalter have spent this evening screaming at each other about robot weddings and consequently Rung in a tux and I just AAAAAAaaaaAAAAAaaaa
FIX THAT BOW TIE, MEGS
Oh God he looks so sweet, look at his little hands even the hands look happy I am screaming into my pillow over here, these fucking robots are going to be my pathetic end
today at work i let someone into a dressing room and they said “thanks” and half of me tried to say “you’re welcome” and the other half tried to say “no problem” and i ended up saying “your problem”
this post had me in tears
I was hoping the notes would be full of similar stories, but they’re not, so I’ll add my story for anyone else looking for more laughs:
I had to go to a library to pay a fee and I was practicing in the car between “I have to pay a fine” and “I have to pay a fee” and I walked in and firmly stated “I have to pee” and slapped a five dollar bill on the counter (the fee was like ten cents), and walked out. This was like three years ago and I still haven’t been back,
My friend was driving and we were almost past our turnoff so I tried to say “quick” and “fast” at the same time and I ended up screaming “QUACK” which ended up with him judging me very hard and missing the turn
Recently someone in class asked me how I was doing and I started off saying I was good but switched to I’m okay in the middle and ended up saying “I’m gay.”
Which, while kind of accurate, was not what I meant to announce to my classmate.
This Halloween I was handing out candy and a child said “trick or treat” and I smiled gave them their candy and apparently my mouth betrayed me and I said “Merry Christmas” and proceeded to sit down and look up to the sky for answers while their mother laughed at me :)))))
I was switching between “Bye Deanna” and “Goodbye” and I ended up saying “Go Die”
Sometimes I try to say “I fucking love you” but it comes out in the wrong order and then everyone’s uncomfortable.
When I first started my coffee shop job, I was still getting used to greeting customers as they came in the door. A man walked in, and in the jumble of trying to say, “How are you doing?” and “What’s up?” I ended up demanding “What are you doing here?!”
something really cool happened once at the office and i started to say “i’m so amazed” but halfway through my mind changed to “that’s really amazing” and i just ended up saying “i’m really so amazing”
one time i was out in the woods in the spring when the birds were just beginning to come out again and i went to say “i’m so pumped for the birds” and “i’m so hyped for the birds” and instead i said “i’m so humped for birds”
Once I was walking to school and there was a guy walking his dog and the dog came to me and started sniffing me and I was in such a good mood and when I passed by his owner I wanted to say like “hello” or “good morning” or “cute dog” or something like that and I ended up looking up at him, smiling real big, and saying “thank you”.
I was at the convenience store and I was going to buy a drink, but i dropped my keys and the drink when I got to the register so I got caught between “my drink!” and “my keys” and ended up screaming “MY KINK.”
I walked up to this register,in a target. When the cashier finished checking me out she said have a good day, and i wanted to say “You have a good day” and “You too” so it came out “You have a good do do”
I FUCKIN H HIT MY HEAD ON A CHAIR FROM LAUGHING TOO HARD AT THIS FUCKING POS T
There’s so many new stories on this since the last time I saw it and fuck I am laughing so hard I think I’m annoying my roommate
These are too damn good to pass up reading!
That poor man in the coffee shop. “but…Caffeine?!?”
Oh fuck… I just woke up my husband. It’s 4 am and I’m giggling like mad. “Go… The fuck… To sleep…” More giggles … lmao
BettSplendens Tumblr Evac 