for the life of me i dont know how “people” in Hollywood seem to consistently fuck up an idea like jurassic park. its so absurd and fun and horrific at the basic foundations that one would think any numpty could slap together just about any idea based around “oh no! my facility is breaking down because im cheap/lazy and my zoo animals escaped!” and make it work.
i mean shit how many childrens books have that same premise?
yet here we are concocting stories that sound like an edgy deviantart moptop wrote them about how people in the near future are so bored of dinosaurs (an idiotic notion only someone who never leaves the house would come up with) that we decide to make a super-overpowered marysue mutant dinosaur and expect it to somehow drag back the crowds we lost (even though its still basically a dinosaur)
(and thus people bored of dinos would never invest any interest in it)
if i had the money i’d make a parody of jurassic world where, for no discernible reason, mankind gets really tired of animals and now finds them boring
so people stop buying pets and all the zoos shut down because nobody wants to see animals from other countries. heavens no.
so the CEO of Animals decides ‘damn animals just aint cuttin it no more. we need something hip and cool and edgy.’
so, logically, they produce a mutant giraffe
its the same as the other giraffes but its taller and has an angry scowl at all times and its super smart and can talk to the rhinos and parrots in their languages oh and also it can turn invisible oh and also it hates books cause books are for queers and it punched my dad because he made me go to church and didnt let me have dessert cause I got a failing grade on my algebra test. fuck you, dad!!!
and then the super giraffe whom i have dubbed Indominus Raffe
simply steps over the fence of its enclosure with its super long legs
and everyone goes
“how could this have happened? we built that fence almost 6 feet high!?!?!?”
and then it proceeds to unlock the other cages of the other animals so all the hippos and tortoises and porcupines and meerkats all get to run amock
theres a scene where a tortoise flies down and picks up a random lady even though he’s like ¼ her size and carries her away and then drops her into the ocean where a hefty snail eats her in zack-snyder-esque slow motion
in the end of the film they realize the giraffe is too hard to kill because nobody can aim a goddamn rifle
so they send down a nuke to blow it to pieces
as it dies the Ceo of Animals quips “hasta la vista camel-leopard”
the credits go up but during them it cuts to a scene where you see that before it died the giraffe laid a bunch of giraffe eggs
(you can tell they are giraffe because of the spots)
and one hatches open and a baby giraffe honks at you and then Universal logo cut print that’ll be 10.99 would you like popcorn and a drink with your movie, sir
Oh good, I get to debunk fairy tale ridiculousness again. It’s been awhile since I’ve been able to use my fairy tale knowledge on here.
Okay, first of all, there is no such thing as an “original” version of a fairy tale; there are only “popular” or “accepted” versions. All versions of fairy tales are as valid as any other version given their history as oral tales; each tale twists and changes as it spreads to other cultures, and several tale types have similar tales that formed independently of each other in various places around the world (Cinderella is the most famous example, with over 1,000 recorded variations and some of the oldest versions being found in Greece, China, and Egypt).
Second of all, several of these are patently false. I’ll just go down the list.
Snow White and Hunchback are the two that are actually true. In the Grimms version of Snow White (”Little Snow White”), the Queen does ask for her liver and lungs (though this was later revised to the Queen asking for her heart) and she is forced to dance in red hot shoes until she dies. This is the norm for Snow White tales, though the specifics vary quite a lot. Hunchback is similarly grim, which makes since given that it’s based on a book by Victor Hugo (like, come on. This is the same guy that wrote Les Mis. You expected something different?). The Rapunzel one is also more or less true, as is the Hercules one.
Clarification on the Little Mermaid one: she doesn’t actually wind up in purgatory. Since she was a mermaid and not a human, she didn’t have a soul and so when she killed herself, became a “daughter of the air” and can earn a soul (and thus proceed up to heaven) if she does good deeds for mankind for 300 years. Purgatory is a Catholic construction, and the probability that Hans Christian Andersen was Catholic is very very small considering that Roman Catholicism remained illegal in Denmark for nearly three centuries after the Lutheran Reformation in the mid 1500s.
Cinderella: This is only true in the Grimms/German version. I’ve actually written a paper on revenge and retribution in Cinderella tales across the world, so I can tell you with a great deal amount of certainty that it greatly depends on which Cinderella tale you’re looking at for the fate of the stepmother/stepsisters. Perrault’s Cinderella/the French version, on which the Disney movie was based, ended with Cinderella forgiving her stepsisters and inviting them to live with her in the palace. The only thing they are denied is the ability to marry the prince.
Pocahontas: this one is pretty half-and-half; there is absolutely no evidence that John Smith raped and impregnated Pocahontas before, during, or after his time in Jamestown. Historical accounts maintain that Pocahontas was friends with John Smith and often visited Jamestown during the years he was there. When the English reported that Smith had died after being sent back to England to treat him for injuries from a gunpowder incident, she stopped visiting the settlement for a couple of years. It’s also maintained in the historical accounts that when she visited, she often brought food and kept several of the settlers from starving. Historical accounts do not maintain that they were lovers, that she was of suitable age for a relationship (period), or that there were any sexual implications to their relationship. It is only in fictional accounts of their relationship (particularly in the Disney version, where she was significantly aged up) that that relationship is portrayed as romantic.
(cont) There are a couple of scholars that maintain she was raped during her captivity by the English (which happened long after Smith left for England), but the majority of the scholarship agrees that she was not raped.
Her only child is by John Rolfe and he was conceived after they were married, so the ‘raped and impregnated’ claim is wrong as well.
She was also not kidnapped and taken to England. She and John Rolfe were married before they left for England…for a good two years, in fact. She and Rolfe traveled to England, stayed for a year and a half, and then boarded a ship to return to Virginia, where Pocahontas died of an unknown disease along the way.
Mulan: false. I’ll let this post do the explaining for me, because it explains it better than I ever could. The actual ballad of Hua Mulan says no such thing; the ending this post describes is from a book called the “Sui Tang Romance” and is basically fanfiction of the actual Hua Mulan legend. The tragic end is “a detail that cannot be found in any previous legends or stories associated Hua Mulan.”
Beauty and the Beast: patently and blatantly false. I have never been so insulted by a statement about a fairy tale in my life, and I argue about Cinderella on a regular basis. There is no BATB variant tale where the Beast ends up eating the girl after the wedding. The Beaumont/French tale (again, the version on which the Disney version was based), has the Beast dying of heartbreak because Beauty was late returning to the castle, but ends with the Beast and Beauty happily married after she proclaimed her love for him. Here are links to BATB tales around the world, just because I want to correct the awful monstrosity that was “the Beast ends up eating Belle after the wedding.” Also, here’s a link to my favorite BATB variant, the Norwegian “East of the Sun and West of the Moon,” and a link to “Cupid and Psyche,” the tale on which many BATB tales are based. The Aarne-Thompson tale type for Beauty and the Beast is 425 for anyone interested (425A tales are Cupid and Psyche tales and 425C tales are BATB tales).
Basically, this post is a hodge-podge of mostly true to embarrassingly and infuriatingly false information. Do your own research, and don’t believe everything the internet tries to tell you about fairy tales.
My brother sent me the most blessed video of all time
I was kind of hoping the cat would just
nope
“Cats are untrainable” my foot. You just have to teach them that doing things gets them treats. And,admittedly, you do need to get cats with the right personality. Some of them just don’t want to do human nonsense for treats, and some of them would be too bothered by all that noise.
I wish they’d asked the audience to be quiet until the end, that was probably pretty loud for the kitties. They must have done something to get the kitties used to crowd noise, though.
I do this thing where if i have to go to a family event where I will be expected to be a girl I pretend I am a SPY and I am IN DISGUISE AS A TEEN GIRL and my mission is to EXTRACT INFORMATION FROM MY GRANDPARENTS without giving away my real identity. works every time.
your dress and makeup is now a DISGUISE
your ‘birth name’ is now an ALIAS
getting told by your parents to be nice and not yell at anyone being racist is MISSION BRIEFING
your entire extended family are now FOREIGN DIGNITARIES and you gotta make it thru the evening without being discovered as a RADICAL SPY
carrying a small water pistol and one of those fake-lipstick pens in your purse helps to get in the zone. the best part of being a spy is the nifty gadgets everyone knows that.
BONUS if you have to bring a friend of another gender with you to pretend to be your boyfriend. you are both PARTNER SPIES and one of you has to be the cranky but soft-hearted veteran and the other has to be the endearingly-assholeish rookie.
Seems like actually a great way to deal with dysphoria
Shout-out to all the spies who are faced with the world’s most difficult missions.
This is the best coping strategy I have ever seen.
PAY ATTENTION! This is how you weed out the men who deserve your time and the ones that don’t. These dudes are literally telling you who they are, but y’all refuse to listen. Your safety comes first.
I’m in a FB group where dudes 30 and older were having full tantrums over this post. These are the same guys that admit:
Not deleting nudes post break up
Not believing when women that were sexually assaulted
Not believing sex with a partner that is sleeping is rape
Etc.
Please do not date people that take issue with your protecting yourself.
I’ve never had a reheading go this horribly before. I’d say I’m pretty good at beheading- I may have broken a neck once or twice, but never any parts I actually liked or intended on keeping, and usually a reheading is the easiest thing, right? Just a little squish and a pop and done, a complete person. But this time it just- it just won’t go back on the body?? Which is incredibly frustrating but also, like, why??
And the funniest thing is, I’m not even swapping a head!! This is a curvy dancer head going onto a curvy dancer body!! They match!! This should have been so simple!! But no, this head’s just flopping around like a limp flaccid idiot and my hands are all red and sore now but the head just isn’t attaching all the way!!
Today I did six beheadings and two other reheadings, and I wanted to get this one attached so I could take a picture, but somehow it just isn’t working!! The head is just getting squished around but isn’t stretching over the neck right!! And I’m way too lazy to go and boil the head just to make the slip easier!! And I don’t wanna keep forcing it cuz I might break something but this is!! So frustrating!!
Like, what could I possibly be doing wrong!! Fuck!!
I boiled the head and it popped right onto the neck in like two seconds.
I’m an idiot. Always do things the proper way from the get-go. Saves a lot of wasted time and struggle and ouchy hands.
BARBIES. I’M TALKING ABOUT BARBIES. I AM CUSTOMIZING TOYS RIGHT NOW I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER AND I HAVE NEVER BEHEADED AN ACTUAL REAL LIFE HUMAN BEING OR TRIED TO REATTACH A PERSON’S HEAD BY BOILING IT
noodle got to try some krill for the first time! These krill are… much smaller than she expected. She’s pretty used to eating things that are larger. She kept chasing the food stick like: “where’s the rest of it :U ?”
BettSplendens Tumblr Evac 