I have described myself as nonbinary and trans-masculine for years – trans-masculine on account of that being the official name on my paperwork of the medical treatments I’ve received. I was quiet about gender and sexuality while at camp on account of being in a sensitive position working with children and living in gender-segregated housing, and just wanting to do my job. I acquiesced to being seen as male-aligned because the discourse of “nonbinary dfab people who transition at all are really trans men trying to distance themselves from male privilege and claim women’s resources” was rampant. I kept my actual thoughts and feelings limited to an audience of trusted personal friends, rather than risk seeming like I was stepping on toes and making women uncomfortable.
I did not have a choice to keep quiet after people began circulating posts calling me a rapist cis man trying to fuck lesbians and fetishizing bisexuals. I called myself non-binary and trans-masculine for exactly the reasons I described above, and knew that saying “oh, actually, my relationship to this issue is complicated and not what you see based on my appearance.” Presenting male at camp was an act of necessity, and the fallout from the discourse caused major real-life issues IRT my work that I don’t want to get into. I was forced to stop binding due to medical complications, and left camp months earlier than initially planned. Upon coming home, I no longer had to go “stealth”, and began presenting fluidly again. Which of course has had people accusing me of “showing off my tits to trick lesbians”, calling lesbians who compliment my selfies “fake lesbians”, and people harassing my real life friends and accusing me of “using” them.
The fact that someone’s presentation should change depending upon the demands of their lifestyle, their health, and their ability to express themselves openly over the course of *a year* seems like would be nobody else’s business. I have had reasonable, patient discussions with people who approach me in good faith – the vast majority of “criticism” coming into my inbox has taken the form of “um lol why do you hate lesbians so much you disgusting piece of shit, answer me”, threats, doxxing, and various petty insults. Antagonization is not discussion, and someone who willfully misinterprets everything I have to say does not contribute meaningful opinions because they are having an argument with a strawman.
it wouldnt have been anybody’s business but your own if, when called out for saying something that WAS lesbophobic, you had just apologized. i dont know why youre making it seem like you were forced to share things you werent ready to discuss publicly, because all it would have taken was to show some remorse. maybe not for everyone, bc i can acknowledge that tumblr drama can become a shitshow, but if you had given some thought to gay women’s concerns from the start this could have been largely avoided.
youre a popular blogger. if youre gunna say youre male-aligned, then anyone with an ounce of compassion would have thought about how their words impact others when pointed out. instead you doubled down and said that guys dont have to be happy upon hearing that a girl they like is lesbian, which resulted in tons of men flocking to your post and talking about how they hate women daring to be lesbian. all youve done since then is make excuses for yourself. so yeah, youll have to excuse the many lesbians who are gunna think after this whole mess, that youre still just deflecting from the real issue
I did not apologize instantly because what they were accusing me of was different from what I actually did. I was not going to apologize for being a lesbian-hating man who eels entitled to women’s bodies and fetishizes bisexuals, because that’s not what I am and that’s not what I said. Instead, I attempted to clarify the situation and my reason for posting by explaining how I had meant to express the awkward confusion of inhabiting a liminal space in which the common language of gender and sexuality fails to reflect me and my relationship to others. I have apologized, extensively and repeatedly, for thoughtless wording that led to unintended interpretations, and to anyone who has asked about the topic in good faith. A large chunk of misunderstandings were due to different interpretations of the feelings conveyed by an emoticon – where I intended confusion, inner conflict, self-mocking, and insecurity, many people saw anger, judgement, resentment, or malice.
Again. I have never called myself “male-aligned” and have only ever rejected the idea of alignment. I have never listed my gender or pronouns on my profile until recently, because the answer has always been complicated and situational; I have allowed people to call me a guy in this discourse only because saying otherwise has been called “dodging accountability”. Someone asked me if, hypothetically, I would be disappointed that a girl I liked discounted me as a potential partner because of her lesbianism, and my answer was that I’d be disappointed that my feelings weren’t reciprocated, but would not consider an incompatible sexuality to be more or less upsetting than “not interested” or “already involved” or “I don’t want to date anyone younger than me”. I also said that I would support and celebrate her identity as a platonic friend, even if I was sad that she didn’t like me romantically. I still don’t understand how that’s lesbophobic – that’s normal human friendship. Being sad about rejection does inherently mean you’re bitter and resentful, which seems to be what everyone is assuming. If genuinely lesbophobic men actually flocked to that post and said the things you’re claiming they did, I never saw it, and obviously I would condemn them. But, then, I also get Nazis commenting on my selfies – this is the public internet, and horrible people are everywhere. I never wanted that post to get notes in the first place.
I’m not going to apologize for being a lesbophobic rape-apologist bisexual-fetishizing man who can’t take no for an answer or respect people’s sexualities, because I’m not. I have and continue to apologize for poor choice in words that opened the door to misunderstandings, and if anyone actually wants clarification and apologies, my DMs have always been open. To be perpetuating this drama for a whole damn year and ignoring everything I’ve had to say in favor of what sounds most juicy and scandalous is ridiculous.
the way you describe your relationship to gender and how you feel your attraction could just be called lesbian and theres lots of lesbians who describe themselves very similarly. but a lot of people are distrustful of you bc you only started publicly distancing yourself from male-alignment after being called out for lesbophobia, and dismissing the criticism of MANY lesbians.
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