bones-and-struts:

jumpingjacktrash:

candidlyautistic:

spiroandthelacktones:

swirlymind:

snakedance:

clutchwokeup:

the autistic ping

Look, we’re not actually narcissists

When you talk to us about an emotional issue

And we respond with a personal experience or anecdote

We’re not trying to make the conversation about ourselves.

Most times (at least with me), I have to find an experience within myself that is similar to what you’ve described

So I can furnish an appropriate emotional reaction to what you’re experiencing.

It’s sort of like when you ping an IP address to fix a faulty Wi-Fi connection.

It’s not personal, it’s just how I navigate Feelings™.

This is how many people on the Autism spectrum express empathy.  We don’t say things like “You must have felt so…” like neurotypical people are used to.  To us, that comes across as presuming to know.  We look to when we felt something that seems similar, and offer that experience.  That lets the other person decide whether we truly know how they feel.

When I do this I am trying to show you that I really do know how you feel, and not just saying something arbitrary to make you feel better. Since I’m not good at showing and expressing emotions or even knowing exactly what it is I am feeling, I barely know what others are feeling. But by relating situation to situation, I’m acknowledging what they are feeling now and that I felt a similar way once, so that any advice I give can sound like I’m feeling the right emotion.

Oh I had no idea this was an autism thing I always respond to people by talking about situations where I felt similarly

Literally this is so common they test for it during the diagnostic process.

one of the social skills i’ve learned (now in my 40′s) is how to tell when not to do this. usually. i can mostly pick up when i should just go “that’s rough, buddy,” and pat you on the back.

but my default reaction is still to relate with an experience of my own. it’s like putting my cards on the table, you know?

as for how to react to it, i genuinely am not making the conversation about me, so all you need to do is confirm i’ve got the right ballpark and then we’ll talk about your situation for the rest of the convo. i’m definitely not trying to have a competition. it’s like –

you: oh man my souffle collapsed

me: ugh, i had a cake collapse once, that was nasty

you: yeah it’s like that, but more so. like you can cut up a flat cake for trifle but a flat souffle is just, feed it to the chickens, it’s done

me: oh no, what a bummer. you wanna borrow my stand mixer next time?

Well shit. I have been doing this all my life. I didn’t realize it was a problem until someone made a snotty comment at work when I was 20. Ever since I tried not to verbalize it, but it really was the best way to understand. I’m 42 now, and I’m doing my best.