hello there, howdy, my name is diz, and i’ve been wanting to make this post for a while. before i jump into it, let me start by giving you my credentials: i am a “women’s advocate” at a domestic violence shelter (i don’t particularly like that title, because i feel it minimalizes the experiences of men/non-binary survivors, but i aslo cannot argue the fact that our clientele is overwhelmingly female, and domestic violence is, in a lot of way, a result of a society based in patriarchal values, but that’s its own post)
that said, i don’t claim to be an expert. my bachelor’s degree is in english with a focus in creative writing, for fuck’s sake. therefore, what i’m going to say in this post is based off of information i’ve gathered from trainings, conferences, and what i’ve seen firsthand working daily at a DV shelter.
let’s dig in, shall we?
terminology: what the frick-frack do these words mean?
domestic violence, aka intimate partner violence: abbreviated as DV and IPV, these terms often carry the connotation of physical violence, but DV/IPV encompasses all types of aggressive behavior, be it mental, physical, verbal, sexual, financial, etc etc. now, the argument can be made that domestic violence transcends partners/spouses, and can include familial violence as well. familial violence is not to be minimized, but for purposes of discussion, what i will be referring to in this post will be solely IPV
domestic violence advocate: i’m sure this varies, but the particulars of my position are that i take crisis calls from people who are currently experiencing domestic violence, and i help manage our communal shelter by getting things for the residents, listening to them talk, and just in general spending time with them. every advocate’s experience is going to be different, tho, and i can only speak to my own
domestic violence shelter: every shelter provides services differently, but it generally amounts to providing a safe place for survivors while they are trying to escape their DV situations. when i talk about shelters, i can only speak to shelters in the usa, although there are domestic violence programs internationally. visit nnedv.org for more information about shelters near you
abuse/abusers: we’re going to be diving into the specifics of abuse real hard in this post, so i’ll keep this brief, but what i will say is that “abuse” is a hard word to swallow for some. when taking crisis calls, we usually refrain from calling it abuse unless the person on the other line calls it that. “abuse” carries baggage that not everyone is ready to take on. if this pertains to you, i ask you to look past the word, and focus on the bullet points. semantics are not what’s important here
trauma: there are so many types of trauma that it could be a post of its own, but in it’s most bare-bones definition, trauma is an experience that is distressing/disturbing, and often times has lasting effects
victim vs survivor: i have a tendency to use the term “survivor” over “victim,” because to me it’s more empowering, and gives agency to the affected person. you may hear victim, as it’s still common practice to use it, but here i will almost always use survivor
the power and control wheel
i could go on a nerd rant about the history of this wheel, but this post is already a novel and is only going to get worse, so i’ll spare you. what this wheel is, however, is a visual representation of different tactics abusers will use to maintain control over their partner
okay, are you ever going to get to the part about whether or not i’m in an abusive situation?
yes. right now.
what follows will be subsections of abuse, and the qualities of each. read through each bullet, and see if they pertain to your current situation
abuse
physical abuse:
my partner shoves, pushes, punches, slaps me, or in general puts their hands on me with the intention of causing harm
my partner has thrown objects at me
my partner has threatened me with weapons/has appropriated tools or objects around the house and used them as weapons
my partner has prevented me from getting medical care
my partner has initiated fights with me when they were/i was driving that were serious enough to put us at risk of an accident
my partner punches walls, breaks property, uses violence in my surroundings without actually putting his hands on me
my partner has made me fear for my life
verbal abuse:
my partner calls me names, often derogatory in nature
my partner yells or screams at me when we argue
my partner verbally puts me down by targeting my physical appearance, my intelligence, my self-worth, or anything that will make me feel lesser as a person
my partner makes accusations about my actions, such as saying that i am cheating on them, or that i am lying when i’m not
my partner sends me harassing or threatening messages via text or social media
my partner verbally threatens violence
emotional abuse:
my partner makes me feel worthless or ugly
my partner “gaslights” me, or makes me doubt myself or makes me feel like i’m crazy
my partner encourages or forces me to stop seeing friends or family so that i feel isolated and without a support system
my partner has told lies about me to other people to make me look bad and make them not want to associate with me; this includes family and friends
my partner makes me feel guilty for my emotions, especially if it involves me being unhappy with their actions
my partner blames me for everything, including their negative behavior
my partner uses my children/family/loved ones as leverage in order to keep me from leaving
my partner denies having done negative actions, or refuses to take responsibility for them
my partner makes me feel that if i leave them i will not be able to make it on my own
my partner threatens to take their own life if i leave them
my partner stalks me, checks up on me as though making sure i am where i say i am, or will show up at my work/events/activities without notice
my partner gets angry if i stay out too long, or if i do anything that doesn’t involve them
my partner says that they should be enough for me, and that i don’t need anyone or anything else
my partner makes me feel subservient to them
sexual abuse:
my partner forces me to have sex when i have said no
my partner puts me in sexual situations where i feel like i don’t have the right or ability to say no, even though i don’t want to participate
my partner makes me participate in sexual acts that i am uncomfortable with
my partner touches, gropes, or fondles me when i tell them not to
my partner makes me feel guilty for not participating in sexual acts with them
my partner dismisses my sexual discomforts, such as excessive porn watching, or fetishes i find demeaning
my partner has coerced me into having unprotected sex when i wasn’t okay with it
my partner has made me feel guilty for wanting to have protected sex
my partner has engaged in sexual acts with me while keeping STDs/STIs a secret from me
my partner has intentionally given me an STD/STI or has intentionally gotten me pregnant
financial abuse
my partner won’t let me work; makes me financially rely on them
my partner makes me rely on them financially, but will not provide me with enough money to meet my needs
my partner refuses to get a job and relies on me financially
my partner controls the money i make/expects me to pay for all of their wants and needs
my partner doesn’t allow me to have my own bank account, debit card, or credit card
my partner takes money out of our joint account/savings without consulting me
my partner puts loans/credit cards/debts in my name without my consent/through coercion
my partner has negatively affected my credit score against my will
risk assessment
while everything on these lists are valid and serious forms of abuse, we as advocates also look for a few specific traits or behaviors that may increase the lethality of a relationship. if any of the following pertains to you, your life may be in immediate danger:
my partner has choked me, strangled me, or suffocated me
my partner is violent and owns a gun/multiple guns
my partner has threatened me with said gun
my partner has a previous history of domestic abuse/has been arrested for domestic assault
my partner has hurt or killed an animal or pet i care about
my partner has made ominous sounding comments such as, “if i can’t have you, no one can,” or “until death do us part [in an uncomfortable context]”
my partner has verbally threatened my life
my partner has threatened the lives of my children/family/or people i love
my partner has made me believe they will truly end my life
okay, well i only relate to a few of these. that doesn’t make my relationship abusive, does it?
let’s put it this way: every bullet on this list, on its own, is a toxic behavior that should not be present in a relationship, and is enough reason to leave someone. and something to consider is that abuse rarely starts out with everything at once. abuse escalates. nobody goes to the first date saying, “btw, i intend to abuse you down the line, you chill with that?” abuse is a lot like the frog in the pot. you start off with low heat, and the frog doesn’t realize until it’s too late that it’s boiling to death. consider everything on this list as a red flag. a healthy relationship should not have red flags
but i can’t leave because…
i don’t have anywhere to go
have you exhausted all your family/friend resources? go through them all, and if that’s still a no-go, check out your local domestic violence shelters. they can help you figure out housing, can provide you with food, clothing, and hygiene while you try to get back on your feet, and will provide you with the resources you need to become independent. go to nnedv.org to look for shelters near you
i’m afraid the abuse will escalate if i leave
safety planning is something domestic violence advocates are trained in. if you work with a professional, they should help you figure out how to get you safe, even if your partner has a history of stalking, tracking, or violent behavior. and if you stay, the abuse may, and probably will, escalate anyway
they will take my kids/i will lose my kids/i don’t want my kids to go through that
kids are one of the most difficult factors in IPV situations, and your concerns are valid, but there are options. protection orders often can let you add your children on them, so that if it is granted, you can get temporary custody while you figure out the long-term solution. schools and daycares will usually work with you if you’re worried your partner may attempt to take them without your consent. many cities have legal aide resources for low-income individuals, and custody is a common thing they deal with. as for not wanting to put them through all those changes, something you should consider is “what kind of trauma are my children experiencing in the situation they are already in?”
they said they will change and i want to give them the chance
that is 100% your right, and i can’t make the decision for you. all i can do is speak from my experience, and from my experience, i have never seen an abuser change their behavior. exactly zero times. that information is there for you to make of it what you will, and i won’t judge you, however it is you take it, but know that that is what i’ve seen firsthand
i want to try couple’s therapy first
again, you do what you feel you need to do, but it is a statistical fact that abusers will often use couple’s therapy as a means of gaining more control over their partner, and therefore, it usually causes more harm than good
i feel stupid for being in this situation to begin with
one of my favorite quotes is, “when you look at someone through rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.” we all end up in situations we wish we hadn’t, and we all make choices we’re not fond of, but that doesn’t make us stupid. and someone treating you badly is not a reflection on you, it’s a reflection on them. abuse is never the survivor’s fault
i have left before, and then went back, and i’m too embarrassed to leave again
there are currently, right this minute, at least four repeat clients at my shelter that only houses 8 women at a time. the average amount of times it takes for someone to leave an abusive partner is 7. let me repeat that. it takes upwards of about 7 times before a person leaves their abuser for good. never feel bad for going back, and never feel like you’re not able to make changes. “past performance is not a predictor of future events.” maybe this time will be the time
i love them
hey, that’s entirely okay. women come to me all the time and say that they feel guilty because even though they know what was done to them wasn’t right, they still love their abusers, and what i always tell them is this: you don’t fall out of love overnight. an abuser never introduces themselves as an abuser, and you did not fall in love with the person who is violent towards you. it’s okay to have mixed feelings.
but what you should do is stop and consider, what are the parts of them you love? is it the person they pretended to be at the beginning, or the person who they showed themselves to be? are all the sweet nothings, promises to change, or nice gestures enough to make up for the abuse? is what you’re feeling love, or a fear of being alone? and, most importantly do you realize that you deserve to be treated well?
now? i guess now it’s up to you decide what you want to do. my inbox is always open if you have questions, and there are always people who want to help. the first steps are yours, and you get to decide what direction you’re going to go.
good luck, and be safe. you have me in your corner
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