Being an American today is like watching your house slowly catch on fire and not being able to do anything about it and freaking out, when suddenly you hear a “BOOM!” behind you and it’s Britain, their house just exploded and is REALLY on fire and you, helpless, just wave hello from across the street.
that’s not………. how child speech works…………………………………………..
god okay in an attempt to be less of an asshole, here’s how child speech DOES work (or tend to work, at least)
kids tend to hypercorrect — this means that they tend to say things like “sleeped” instead of “slept,” “writed” instead of “wrote,” “goed” instead of “went,” etc
kids tend not to make errors such as omitting verbs (“i hungry”)
kids also tend not to make errors in the i/me, she/her department (“me am hungry”)
simplification of difficult sounds — consonant clusters especially, so things like st, sp, ps, etc., as well as f, v, th-sounds, ch-sounds, etc.
“babbling”-type utterances (“apwen” for “airplane,” using one babbly word for multiple objects, things like that) generally occur in children under the age of three and a half
say it with me: an eight-year-old child is not going to be saying “me hungwy”
do not confuse child speech with stereotypical learner english mistakes, that’s not only incorrect but also gross on the stereotypical learner english front (“me love you long time,” anybody?)
if you’re going to write kidfic please do some * research
Totally. It can be helpful to remind yourself that young children tend to speak as though the English language actually made sense. Our brains are pattern-recognising machines: children are really, really good at puzzling out the implicit rules of the English language, but they don’t necessarily know all the silly exceptions and bizarre edge cases that break those rules yet – those can only be learned through experience and rote memorisation.
Basically, when children who speak English as a first language make mistakes, it typically reflects a tendency to treat English as more grammatically, syntactically, and/or orthographically consistent than it really is. In some cases, this can be compounded by the fact that some kids will get offended at how little sense “proper” English makes, and insist upon using the more consistent forms even though they know very well that they’re technically “wrong”.
for a long young portion of my life I insisted on pronouncing Sean “SEEN” because that’s how it’s spelled.
As someone who spends a good majority of her time working with kids, it irks me to no end when I see children written as if they’re babies.
Past the age of about five or six years old, children can have deep, intellectual conversations about the most bizarre of things. I HAD A CONVERSATION LAST WEEK WITH FOUR THIRD GRADERS ABOUT THE GAS PRICES AND TAXES IN HAWAII.
Were they entirely correct in the facts they were giving? No, because it was all from what they had heard from parents or on the news. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that I was having a genuine conversation with four eight and nine year olds about taxes.
Just about the only speech problems most kids have, unless they have a speech impediment, is not being able to pronounce certain consonants (replacing ‘th’ with ‘fw,’ for example, and some letters are harder to form with your mouth than others) and doing exactly what the person above said: using the English language the way they know how, which isn’t always the way English works.
Kids aren’t stupid. Stop writing them like they are.
I was tutoring a little kid (second grade, I think). He was complaining about a worksheet. “This is hard.” I started to correct him as I knew he was more than capable of it and this bright kid, who had obviously heard the lecture before from others, interrupted me and said: “I know. I know. It’s not really difficult. It’s just time consuming.” Some kids are spooky-smart and even quite articulate.
If you need (plotwise) to emphasize that the child is specifically childish … have them tell the same joke to everyone they meet, cracking themselves up before they get to the punchline … have them ask “Why?” incessantly … have them fidgeting and possibly breaking things (”Oops.” “What?” “Nothing!” “WHAT?!”) … and if you have more than one kid, even of the same age, you don’t have to write them at the same intelligence level or emotional maturity. Some kids are messy and some are obsessively neat. Some are quiet, some loud. Some giggly, some surly. They basically come in the same range of personalities as adults.
If you don’t want to invest a lot of time writing dialog for kids, just establish that you have a quiet kid. But a kid who gives single-word answers is usually doing so because they don’t like you (or trust you) or they are focused on their own thing and you’re interrupting them. It doesn’t mean they lack the vocabulary or that they don’t understand the adult conversation going on “over their head” (the more inappropriate the conversation, the more likely the kids are paying attention).
I have jabbed the back button so many times on terrible kid fic. This is an excellent resource – kid fic, when done well, is a real treat for me.
The only children I have ever met who did say things like “me hungwy” were the ones who had figured out that if they sounded “adorable” they could wrap adults around their precious little fingers. Kids get it.
Good resource for people who write but spend no time with children.
“KIDS GET IT”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS
In my experience, kids five and up* converse basically like less-educated but still-intelligent adults with smaller vocabularies, a slightly more sketchy understanding of grammar, and really delightful (and often gross) senses of humor.
They are people. Real people with complex thoughts and inner lives, strong opinions, and the ability to draw accurate conclusions about the people around them and their motives with surprisingly little to go on. And writing them well is actually a hell of a lot of fun.
Kids are cool. Write them like it.
* I don’t have much experience with kids younger than this, but I know I was able to read at three, so never, ever underestimate the intelligence of children, for purposes of fic or anything else.
Kids are smart. They haven’t learned much yet, but they’re smart.
So I came home from work today and there was a kindle addressed to me that I did not remember ordering. I spent the afternoon trying to figure out how I accidentally purchased a kindle from Amazon, and when I came back from hanging out with Catherine, I told my parents, guys, you will not believe what I accidentally ordered for myself.
“Huh,” said Dad very casually. “Did you get charged for it?”
I spent the next five minutes checking my bank account and came back into the living room to announce, “No, I didn’t. Do you think it’s a mistake? But it has my name on it! what does this mean”
It was around the time that I started to sound panicked that Dad confessed to buying it for me (“I didn’t realize the mystery of it would be so terrifying”). Which was very, very sweet and slightly unfortunate because yesterday I purchased a replacement kindle for myself.
So anyway, we now have a family kindle
Me and Mom were talking about the kindle this morning, and she told me about how a few weeks ago, she got into her car only to discover that it had been mysteriously cleaned.
“But who would do this?” she said to my father who said he was sure he had no idea. “A student? A stranger? Someone who broke into my car to steal it but felt bad about how dirty it was? WHO??”
Eventually Dad was like, “Honey. It was clearly me.”
Poor Dad just wants to be a man who expresses his love through silent actions, but his family consists of panicked, suspicious women who apparently are very sure that strangers will ominously do nice things for us
If you spot this Green Quaker Parrot outside in the Chicago area or just in general, please please notify me. She escaped and I’m absolutely devastated. Please, please reblog and spread the word.
Guys, thank you so so much for reblogging this post. My little green baby has been FOUND! We located her in a nearby park in a tree! She was actually having the time of her life! 😒 Completely unharmed, just hungry. Thank you everybody who sent me the kindest wishes, the best advice, and strength in dealing with this situation. 💖
okay putting aside the fact that you are blatantly transphobic despite how much you say “i’m not transphobic” and also putting aside the fact that while peter parker does develop muscle definition he is still known for being very small and lean even after being bitten by the spider, let’s just take a look at some trans guys who will never be able to have the physique of superheroes or of strong men in general:
and that’s just a few of the many trans guys in this world, some of which are fat, or skinny, or curvy, or muscular as fuck – you know, like any other human being. can cis people stop acting like they know shit about what trans people look like.
Anon apparently has never googled what trans men look like before god damn.
Surprise, anon. Hormones make people’s bodies change.
who wants to buy this book I will never get around to writing
Chapter 1: Haha Just Kidding, ADD Was Made Up By Pfizer. Anyway Unrelated I Am Uniquely Bad At Being Alive and No One Can Figure Out Why
Chapter 2: Where Did I Put That? Nope, It’s Gone
Chapter 3: Why Being Bored Is Literally The Same As Dying
Chapter 4: ADD And Your Love Life: Why Bother?
Chapter 5: A Short Story I Drew About A Little Rabbit Named Herbert Who Goes On Adventures
Chapter 6: I Don’t Have Time To Not Be Photoshopping
Chapter 7: You Interrupted Me in the Middle of Tetris And Other Reasons I’ll Be Making Your Life A Sulky Hell All Day
Chapter 8: Where Can A Grown-Up Go to Scream? (Nowhere.)
Chapter 9: You Just Told Me Huge News About Your Life, but I Don’t Know What It Was Because There’s a TV in the Corner of This Bar
Chapter 10: I Would Love to Tell You Why I Am Crying, but I Already Forgot. It’s Just Happening Now
Chapter 11: Bankruptcy
Chapter 12: I Have Walked into This Room Five Times and Neglected to Address The Reason I Originally Did So Each Time
Chapter 13: Public Embarrassment: Is it Real?
Chapter 14: All the Facts I Learned When I Read Wikipedia for Five Hours Yesterday
Chapter 15: You’re Right, This Is Exactly The Same As When You Feel Sort of Unfocused Half An Hour Before You Leave Work
Chapter 16: Will My Employer Believe Me When I Let Them Know I Have a Learning Disability and Mental Illness or Will They Keep Assuming That I Don’t Care Enough About My Job To Listen to Instructions the First Time
Chapter 17: Thank God You’re Here to Argue With Me that I Don’t Have This Diagnosis Invented to Explain Why Small Children are Fidgety. Oh Good, You Have Examples of Times I was Productive and Calm
Chapter 18: That Was Hilarious, Please Tell Me More Stories of Times I Couldn’t Figure Out Something That Was Common Sense
Chapter 19: Goodnight Sweet Book I’ll Never Finish
Chapter 20: I Couldn’t Do It Right The First Time I Tried, Burn the Evidence
Chapter 21: I Could Say Something, or I Could Say it in My Head Where No One Will Hear it if the Words or Syllables are in the Wrong Order, Assuming I’m Using The Correct Words At All Instead of Mismatching Them
Chapter 22: 5pm, Time For Breakfast
Chapter 23: Following Directions on a Piece of Paper. Just Kidding it’s Still Under The Pile on My Desk.
Chapter 24: “Just Do It” Well Fuck Why Didn’t I Think of That. Goddamn Genius Doctor Superman Over Here.
Chapter 25: People that Walk Around Without Gesturing to a Conversation Only They Are Having. How Do They Do It?
Chapter 26: This Book Is Too Long, Do You Actually Expect Me To Read All Of This
Chapter 27: Guess What I Did With My Free Day
Chapter 28: My Academic Career Is Falling Apart
Chapter 29: Why You Never Turn In Homework
Chapter 30: I Would Write Study Tips But I Literally Once Procrastinating Studying For Finals By Putting Sticky Tabs In My Math Book Instead Of Actually Studying
Chapter 31: Maintaining Relationships
Is Difficult
Chapter 32: Doesn’t Everybody Struggle With Basic Self Care?
Chapter 33: I feel thirsty; I think I’ll make a cup of tea.
Chapter 34: Why is there a cold cup of tea on the cupboard?
Every time…
Chapter 35: Let Me Tell You About the Wonders of Hyperfocus and How I Stayed Awake for Two Days Because I Didn’t Have Plans and Nobody Distracted Me From the Internet Until I Literally Passed Out. Twice.
Chapter 36: Did That Happen Yesterday or Three Years Ago?
Chapter 37: Did That Actually Happen or Was It A Dream?
Chapter 38: I Went Three Months in the Dark Because I Forgot the Lightbulb Was Broken Until I Needed It at Night.
Chapter 39: I Need a List to Tell Me What to Write a List For.
Chapter 40: What is a Normal Sleep Phase?
Chapter 41: I Really, Genuinely Want to Watch That TV Show, But Realistically It’s Never Going to Happen
Chapter 42: What Did I Do With the Form My Insurance Sent Me to Get That $77 Check Reissued That I Forgot to Cash Last Winter
Chapter 43: I Wrote a Really Tight Discussion Section for This Article In My Head Between 4 and 6 This Morning, But It’s Gone Now
Chapter 44: All The Essays I Started Writing But Then Took A Break From So I Can Never Pick Them Up Again
Chapter 45: 101 I’m A Bad Person Who Should Try Harder, If I Can Remember To Finish The List