The man called Mayhem has the best job in the world.
Most people think it’s just talking in front of a camera while wearing a pink headband or frolicking in some fluffy insulation, advising the world about all the nasty things that Allstate Insurance can protect them from. These people are wrong.
Mayhem is not just a describer of catastrophe. Mayhem is catastrophe, weaponized and directed. In the subtle, secret arms race and turf war of the insurance companies, where secret agents and secret tech and secret magic are pretty much the norm, where spies and saboteurs run rampant and a momentary mistake can devastate far more than the quarterly stock report, Mayhem is legend.
He is the best at what he does, and what he does is incredible.
Right now, the legend is standing in line at Starbucks, politely administering no mayhem whatsoever, just wanting some caffeine before returning to his hunt of a double agent employed in Allstate’s research-and-development wing who is likely to soon develop a sincere regret for all of the life choices leading up to this point.
He makes his order, swipes his card, steps back to wait for his coffee, and nearly has his eardrums blown by an outraged howl from beside him.
He recoils, then looks over, expecting a trapped wolf or possibly an air-raid siren.
It’s neither. It’s a grown adult human in Devil-Wears-Prada business getup and four-inch heels and inch-long talons on her fingers, shrieking like a toddler who’s dropped her ice cream on the pavement.
Everyone else is silent, and the sound falls away slowly until the barrista can be heard, saying, “I’m sorry, ma’am, what seems to be the prob–”
Airhorn lady interrupts her. From what Mayhem can gather, the problem seems to be related to the amount of whipped cream on top, but after detours to such subjects as the barrista’s race, purported sexual orientation, and mental stability, Mayhem is beginning to think the problem is that nobody’s dumped the whole works over the customer’s head.
A fact many people don’t realize: Mayhem has ethics. It’s just that they overwhelmingly revolve around punishing the guilty.
He pulls a smartphone out of his pocket, cues up the video camera, and tosses it to the girl behind him. “Tape me,” he says, and when she holds the phone out he steps up next to the yelling woman, smiles at the camera and says, loudly, “I’m an obnoxious nightmare customer at your local coffee shop.”
He can sense, behind him, that the woman’s attention has been drawn: she’s broken off mid-insult and he can feel her eyes boring into the back of his skull. He continues, scrunching his face up into a mocking parody of an upset toddler. “They didn’t make my coffee right, so everything in the world has to die right now!” He stamps his foot for emphasis, and raises both fists up in the air, waving them around like a cartoon supervillain. “I’m so mad I don’t have to act like a human being anymore,” he jumps up and down, slamming his feet against the floor each time. “And after I finish verbally abusing an employee who doesn’t get paid enough to deal with my shit, I’m going to get into my car and go to work, bringing new meaning to the term ‘road rage.’”
It probably won’t be approved for an insurance commercial, but it never hurts to make the tie-in.
“But in the meantime I’m going to throw a screaming tantrum like I have no shame whatsoever.”
Mayhem knows assholes well. After all, he is one. Depending on her level of self-awareness, this one should either turn red with embarrassment and slink out of the store, or else turn and try to tear him a new one. He hopes it’s the latter.
Sure enough, there’s another eardrum-bruising shriek as she grabs him by one shoulder to yank him around. “Mind your own business, you pig!”
He turns of his own accord, coming around much more easily than she expects. She’s thrown off by this, and in the process of keeping her own balance drops her insufficiently-whipped-creamed coffee on the floor, where it spatters creamy frappucino all over her shoes and lower legs.
Over by the order line, somebody snickers.
“What?” Mayhem asks her, politely and with a bland smile. “You can make an ass out of yourself in public, but I can’t?”
Her face reddens, twisting into full-on fury, and he waits, calm, and with all the amusement of someone who’s holding all the cards and knows it.
She’s an asshole. But he’s the asshole. There’s no question of who’s outclassed in this fight, and he has no problem whatsoever with letting her know it.
She deflates marginally.
He sees no reason not to twist the knife in deeper, though. “You should apologize to the nice lady behind the counter, ma’am.” As he speaks, he makes a show of retrieving a twenty from his wallet and dropping it into the tip jar.
“Like hell!” she snarls, and turns to stalk out the door. Or rather, into it.
People laugh.
Mayhem raises an eyebrow. “That’s a really good glass cleaner you guys have got,” he tells the barrista conversationally as she hands him his drink with the brightest smile he’s seen on a human being in months. Another one comes out with a mop, grinning almost as wide.
The nasty lady yanks the door open and Mayhem indulges in a momentary fantasy of it coming off its hinges, but that would be too much. He redirects the thought toward the silver BMW the woman is heading for, and collects his cell phone from his impromptu camerawoman. “Thanks.”
As he heads out the door to continue his mission, he hears the grinding whine of a car refusing to start.
(okay so this explanation is gonna have a lot of pics so im gonna put it under a cut even though i super dont want to because this is so cool like im gonna die) EDIT: i’ve been told that the read more sucks so im removing it
yes, those are fangs. they don’t function like actual fangs- keep in mind that nepenthes pitchers are inert, and don’t close or move like sundews or venus fly traps do. in this case, the fangs profusely secrete nectar (other functional uses of them are debated, but include warding off monkeys that might try to drink from them and creating loose footing for insects):
this is pretty much the main appeal of bicals to growers and hobbyists, but scientifically, they’re an amazing case of mutualism! the pictures we’ve seen so far are what we call the lower pitchers of the plant. nepenthes have upper and lower pitchers that grow on those respective portions of the vine; these pitchers sometimes have physiological differences. what we’re gonna focus on here is the upper pitchers, which look like this:
its a built-in house for a very specific species of carpenter ants, Camponotus schmitzi, which live almost exclusively in wild bicals and are heavily dependent on them in their native habitat of Borneo.
both of these species are so specifically evolved to each other that its ridiculous. the ants:
-get to eat all the nectar they want because they’re specially evolved to be able to crawl all over it
-get to eat flies, mites, fungus, other ants, other insects, and anything else that might fall into the pitcher, or just attack them so they can’t escape.
-can walk on and be submerged in the fluid inside the pitcher without getting eaten alive by acid because they’re evolved to
-get a free house with every upper pitcher the plant makes. the plant doesnt have special lower pitchers for them because they sometimes get flooded when it rains (closer to the ground) and the plant doesnt want to hurt its ant friends
-basically sit right under the lip of the pitcher and wait to ambush things that fall in
-the ants have this behavior where they drag big prey they want up from the fluid up the pitcher to eat it under the pitcher lip. this is just how they eat. what do u expect like they’re not gonna eat right in the pitcher fluid like animals even if dragging food up two inches can take them up to twelve hours at a time depending on the size like were u raised in a barn?????????
the plant:
-gets free protection from mites and fungus and stuff
-doesnt need many digestive fluids of its own because the ants just eat whatever falls in and then poop it into the pitcher, which is way easier to digest
-gets its pitchers kept clean and the fluid free from clutter that might cause rot
-sometimes gets to eat dead ants that happen to fall into the pitcher
-research also tells us that the ants tend to prefer attacking large prey and stuff that tries harder to escape, increasing the amount the plant gets to eat.
in general, bicals can survive without the ants and do fine in captivity, but the ants cannot survive without the plants- they nest in their upper pitchers exclusively and get a ton, if not all, of their food from them. in general, this relationship is suuuuuper complex and is actually still being studied!
some more sweet plant and ant friend pics from this research paper on their friendship:
here’s a video showing the ants going about some of their daily business!
“When I ask you if you want to do something, you know it’s always okay to say no, right?”
“Let me know if you get uncomfortable, okay?”
“How do you feel about (x activity)?”
(When someone’s insecure about having said no and asks if it’s okay/if you’re mad or upset they said no) “I’m disappointed, of course, but I’m really glad you were willing to tell me (no/that you were uncomfortable/etc.). That’s really important to me. Thank you.”
“I’d ALWAYS rather be told no than make you feel pressured or do anything to hurt you or make you uncomfortable.”
“I care about you, so when something I do hurts you or makes you uncomfortable, I want to know, because I don’t like making you feel bad.”
“Wanna do (x)? It’s okay if not, but I think it would be (fun/worthwhile/prudent).”
(When starting a social phone call): “Hey, are you busy right now?”
(When confirming plans made earlier): “Hey, are you still up for doing (x) at (time) on (day)?”
“Can I vent a little about (x)?”
“Can I tell you something (gross/depressing)?”
“Are you comfortable talking about it?”
“Do you think you could talk me through this problem I’ve been having? If you have the time and emotional energy of course.”
“It’s okay if that doesn’t work for you.”
“I’m interested in spending more time with you. Would you be interested in doing (x) together on (y day)?”
“No? Well let me know if you ever want to do something else.” (leave it open! don’t nag! let it go!)
Consent culture – it’s about way more than just sex!
Givepeople as much freedom as possible to make their own choices without pressure or control.
Even children deserve as much autonomy as allows them to remain safe and get their needs met – remember, you can’t train a child to make good/safe/healthy choices without ever giving them choices. A child who is taught to respect consent is a child who doesn’t assault people! A child who knows they have a right to say no is a child who knows that someone who infringes on their autonomy isn’t supposed to do that.
A consent-conscious relationship is a healthier and safer relationship, and a person who is aware of and deliberate about asking for, giving, receiving, refusing, and being refused consent is a healthier and safer person.
if you want to buy moonstone jewelry like…please be aware that half the people on etsy and wherever selling “moonstone” jewelry are actually selling you opalite which is just….glass with added effects. moonstone and opalite are not the same thing lol….so many people are getting ripped off on etsy because of this and it kind of bothers me
this is real, natural “rainbow” moonstone:
this is opalite, which is synthetic opalised glass:
I’ve been trying to warn people about this for years! It’s such a huge issue, just like heat-treated amethyst being sold as ‘citrine.’
– everyone answering “no, i’m fred” to “are you [insert Y/N]” even hermione
– everything draco does ever
– calling blast ended skrewts “power bottoms”
– calling newt scamander bad variations of his name like nerd sandwicher etc
– colin creevey using that one picture he managed to get of hermione punching draco as a reaction image
– shouting “spank me daddy” at the whomping willow
– [pointing at random object] that’s a portkey
– every single cat is professor mcgonagall
why
– POTTER
– ever since snape’s “bottle fame, brew fortune” speech students just go on and on with it – “flambé success, bake brilliance” “Can you tutor me in charms?” “TUTOR you? I can teach you how to SAUTÉ EXCELLENCE.”
BettSplendens Tumblr Evac 