Ten staples that every woman needs in her closet

listing-to-port:

1. A vast empty hooded cape that you can control with the power of your mind, sending it forth from you to terrify and amaze.

2. A dress that can be whipped off by a bare-chested dancer to reveal another, more sparkly dress underneath, for those occasions when you accidentally find yourself in the Eurovision Song Contest.

3. A formal grappling-hook, for arriving at all the best parties. Make sure to have yours personalised, so that you do not arrive at the party via the same grappling hook as another attendee.

4. A khaki tank top. That is, just the swivelly bit with the gun on. The caterpillar tracks bit is probably too big for a closet but can be stored in a shed or garage until it is needed.

5. A leather jacket tanned from the tattooed hide of the last bull to cross you, as a reminder to other bulls that you will be crossing this field now, thank you very much.

6. Pumps. You will thank me for this recommendation when your boat starts to fill with water. Using buckets to bail is just tedious and may require more crew members than are left after the mutiny.

7. Pencil skirt. Never forget, wear with the pencils facing outwards. Inwards is super-uncomfortable and much less helpful in getting personal space on metro systems.

8. A dragon-proof cardigan.

9. Trousers that can be worn by a horse, in case you should meet a horse that wants trousers or that curse ever comes to fruition.

10. A good book with a light attached, so that on bad days you can just get into the closet and read without having to bother about all that clothes stuff. Make sure not to sit on the pencil skirt.