Realize parents are having a heated debate on whether or not goats can climb trees.
Immediately side with mom, because I know goats can fuckin climb fucking ANYTHING because I remember the “crave that mineral” meme with the goat on the vertical cliff face apparently levitating to achieve the mineral it craves.
who fuckin says the internet never taught me anything
Dad has to leave to go back to work. Leaves convinced that no, goats can’t climb trees, they’re goats, they stay on the ground.
Once he’s gone, youtube search “Moroccan Tree Goats.” Find self-explanatory video of several goat up in a fuckin tree like some Dr. Seuss shit.
Mom looks at me like it’s the proudest she’s ever been of me in her life, including my university graduation
She emails it to him. At work. My dad will get a video of Moroccan goats screaming in a tree at his place of business, with the subject line “I TOLD YOU SO.”
Mom triumphantly yells to the empty house, “THIS IS WHY PEOPLE IN THE BIBLE THOUGHT GOATS WERE THE DEVIL.”
Another ordinary day in my house.
‘This is why people in the Bible thought goats were the devil’ is a really solid explanation when you see how goats defy the laws of physics.
Ever since the unicorn frappucino was released, I’ve seen an uptick in “diabeetus” jokes. I’ve also seen people posting pictures of candy and cake and saying “Look at my diabeetus ha ha ha,” as if diabetes is some type of joke.
Diabetes is not a frappucino. There is no such thing as “diabetes on a plate” or “diabetes in a cup.” Let me tell you what diabetes actually is.
Diabetes is a small child dying of ketoacidosis because the doctor in the ER thought that child had the flu.
Diabetes is parents who can’t sleep through the night because they have to get up and check their child’s blood sugar during the night to make sure their child hasn’t gone into insulin shock or diabetic coma.
Diabetes is waking up in the middle of the floor covered in bruises and rug burn because you fell asleep after taking insulin but before eating the food that you took the insulin for, and your blood sugar crashed, causing you to fall off the couch and have a seizure.
Diabetes is having to decide whether there is enough insulin to last until you get paid or whether you will skip a meal or two so that you can take less insulin and save money on groceries.
Diabetes is not getting enough sleep because your blood sugar was too high, meaning that you got out of bed to go to the bathroom multiple times, or too low, meaning that you got out of bed to treat the low and then stayed awake to be sure it didn’t go low again.
Diabetes is going to a trendy eating place and discovering they don’t serve diet drinks because “aspartame is poison” and having them tell you to drink orange juice instead.
Diabetes is finding out that your kidneys or eyesight or digestive system or circulation is failing after you’ve lived with the disease for decades.
Diabetes is having people say “So lose weight and it will go away” or “Your kid got that because you fed them too much sugar”.
Diabetes is living every day with a disease that you know could shorten your lifespan while politicians blame people who have your disease for costing the health care system money, as if it’s your fault your immune system decided to attack you.
another weird thing about beer is that it has weird masculinity connections to it. “ya i’ll get a beer, i don’t want none of them girly drinks” Jimothy, you’re drinking wheat juice with a 5% alcohol content and my mixed, fruity, “girly” drink is 40% alcohol and tastes great
O.KAY *CRACKS KNUCKLES* I AM ABOUT TO GIVE YOU AN EDUCATION
BEER IS TRADITIONALLY A WOMAN’S DRINK, IT IS THE MOST FEMALE OF ALL OF THE DRINKS. FOR THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF YEARS, BEER WAS MADE AT HOME BY WOMEN, TO BE CONSUMED BY WOMEN AND CHILDREN–IT WAS ACTUALLY A SOURCE OF NUTRIENTS FOR MANY HOUSEHOLDS. WOMEN CREATED THE CRAFT OF BEER, AND FOR MOST OF HUMAN HISTORY THAT IS WHO YOU’D BUY IT FROM: MANY WOMEN MADE ADDITIONAL INCOME BY BREWING AND SELLING BEER FROM HOME. IT WASN’T UNTIL THE ERA OF INDUSTRIALIZATION THAT BEER BEGAN TO BE BREWED IN FACTORIES. AND ONCE BEER WAS BEING BREWED ON A LARGE SCALE, IT MADE TO START MARKETING IT TO ALL THE MALE FACTORY WORKERS WHO SUDDENLY HAD EXTRA INCOME. HENCE AN AGGRESSIVE MARKETING CAMPAIGN TO RE-BRAND BEER, A DRINK INTRINSICALLY TIED WITH WOMEN’S HISTORY, AS A ‘MASCULINE’ BEVERAGE.
EVEN BETTER, FEMALE BREWSTERS WERE THE ORIGINAL WICKED OLD WITCH. THE TROPES WE COMMONLY ASSOCIATE WITH STEREOTYPICAL WITCHES ARE ACTUALLY BASED ON THE TRADITIONAL BREWSTER. CAULDRONS & HOT STEAMING POTIONS = BEER BREWING. THE WITCH’S HAT: BELIEVE IT OR NOT POINTY HATS WERE ACTUALLY WORN BY BREWSTERS WHEN SELLING THEIR PRODUCT AT MARKETS: THE ENORMOUS HEADGEAR HELPED THEM STAND OUT, AND CLEARLY TOLD EVERYONE ‘YO MOTHERFUCKA GET YOUR BEER HERE’.
CATS AS FAMILIARS: CATS WERE COMMONLY USED TO PREVENT RODENTS FROM GETTING INTO THE WHEAT. EVEN THE BROOMSTICK IS RELATED TO BEER: A BUNDLE OF TWIGS RESEMBLING A BROOM WAS USED AS AD FOR ALEHOUSES
so basically, beer is the ultimate woman’s and witch’s drink
REBLOG ME
fuck u guys, i didn’t spend 20 min fact checking for 3 notes
I am impressed at this much knowledge
Beer is gross imo, but the knowledge is greatly appreciated.
It’s just another example of “Men like this thing, so they shove all the women out and claim women were never there in the first place”, right up there with computer work and doctors.
I’m doing an RP but I need some visual to help me. I made a quick design for @bettsplendens‘s Blackspark. Then a height comparison for future reference. Since he’s ventablack I saved the lines separately :0
THIS IS AWESOME.
(and, especially considering the description I gave, amazingly accurate. Just add a couple dozen knives sticking out all over his back, basically)
Bras last longer if you let them air dry. Don’t put them in the dryer.
If you have a problem with frizzy hair, don’t dry your hair with a towel. It makes the frizzies worse. (I recently read an article that said to use a t-shirt? I brush mine out and let it air dry.)
Whites wash best in hot water. Everything else can be in cold – save on your electricity bill.
You can kill 99.9% of germs in a sponge by putting it in the dishwasher for a cycle or by microwaving it for 2 min (be sure to make the sponge damp before microwaving and to put a cup half full of water in with it and please DO NOT squeeze the sponge until it has cooled off)
Airing out your room/house and letting sunlight in every so often can decrease the number of household pests like silverfish and ants.
Black underwear is best during your period as stains are less likely to be visible.
To save money, put aside 10% of each paycheck into a savings account. It’ll add up.
Unless your hair has something on/in it (like grease or mud or something), using conditioner first can actually be the better choice. The conditioner holds in the good oils that help you hair look sleek and beautiful, which shampoo would otherwise wash away.
Speaking of shampoo – if you have long hair, washing just the bits that touch your scalp is generally enough. The rest of your hair gets cleaned with just the run off from your scalp.
If you put a tampon in and it’s uncomfortable/you can feel it, you didn’t do it quite right. A properly placed tampon is virtually unnoticeable by the wearer.
Apply deodorant/antiperspirant a couple hours in advance of when you need it. This gives the product the chance to block your sweat glands. Using deodorant just before going somewhere where you’ll sweat (this means walking outside for people in high humidity places) results in your sweat washing the deodorant off and starkly limiting its usefulness.
After running the dryer, use the dryer sheet from that load to brush out the lint catch – it gets everything off in a fraction of the time it’ll take you to get it clean with your bare hands. Paper towels also work well.
Wash your face everyday, or as often as possible. Forget which brand of cleanser is best. Just washing your face everyday will guarantee you clearer skin. And do you best not to pop pimples, as tempting as the urge may be.
Fold laundry asap after taking it from the dryer to avoid wrinkles. This may seem obvious for dress shirts and silly for things like t-shirts, but you’ll notice the difference even then once your shirts stop looking like unfolded paper balls.
To all the kids whose parents couldn’t help you with this kind of stuff
Addition: the natural acidity of a vagina can bleach the gusset on darker underwear. It’s perfectly normal.
i did not know some of this stuff, so useful!
The best thing you can do to keep your skin clear (aside from washing) is to frequently change your pillowcase. Throw on a fresh one every day if you want. Get nice cotton pillowcases at Ross.
I’m doing an RP but I need some visual to help me. I made a quick design for @bettsplendens‘s Blackspark. Then a height comparison for future reference. Since he’s ventablack I saved the lines separately :0
THIS IS AWESOME.
(and, especially considering the description I gave, amazingly accurate. Just add a couple dozen knives sticking out all over his back, basically)
BettSplendens Tumblr Evac 