Title: Aesthetics Warning: Silliness. Vague sex stuff. People really trying to get laid. Dubcon that isn’t, due to the aforementioned attempts to get laid. Rating: R Continuity: G1 Characters: Blast Off, Astrotrain, Blitzwing, Skyfire, Cosmos Disclaimer: The theatre doesn’t own the script or actors, nor does it make a profit from the play. Motivation (Prompt): An ”I think I’m ugly” kinkmeme request (http://tfanonkink.livejournal.com/13205.html?thread=14906773#t14906773)
you must know steve pretty well, because that is exactly what happened.
the morning after throwing yet another motorcycle at a supervillian, steve woke up early and decided to go out and get bagels. not at all unusual, except that his favorite bagel place is in brooklyn. so naturally steve decided to just bike there.
tony keeps a dozen or so bikes in the vehicle garage, and pretty much every one of them is weirder than the one before. one is a concept made by ferrari; another one is made from bamboo and was a gift from an MIT student whose research he funded. one appears to have some sort of rocket engine attached. with selections like that, you can see why steve chose the oldest, plainest bike in the group.
what steve did not know was that this was the Deathbike.
see, when tony was 14 and starting at MIT, he wasnt licensed to drive and needed a way to get around campus quickly. so like many other college students, he got a bike. a very nice, high-end bike, of course, but otherwise perfectly innocuous. (it was a bit too big for him. he insists it wasnt, and that he’s not short.) tony rode it home and painted it black.
within the first month of owning the Deathbike, tony ran into two people, was run into three times by other cyclists, and just barely missed being hit by a car. tony refused to admit that either the bike was cursed or he was just a terrible cyclist, and instead painted a tiny white skull on the side of the bike for every collision, and rode it for the rest of his time at MIT. somehow, he survived, and no one was seriously injured. he admits that there may have been a few broken bones. but he paid the medical bills, so it was fine.
by the time steve took the bike out, there were twenty-seven little skulls.
steve knew none of this, and headed out on the sidewalks aboard the Deathbike. he made it a block or two on thankfully empty sidewalks before tony’s modifications kicked in.
little 14-year-old madman stark, drunk on alcohol and puberty, decided that his two-wheeled killing machine didnt go fast enough. so, using the genius and lack of foresight the stark bloodline had given him, he made some changes. and now the Deathbike has a little electric engine that kicks in after a certain speed, which basically increases how fast the bike goes per pedal. tony says the fastest he was ever clocked on it was about forty mph–but insists he could have made it faster, except he didnt want to make it too bulky.
steve was doing fifty miles an hour by the time he was six blocks from the tower.
since steve is himself, instead of maybe slowing down when he realized how fast he was going, he decided to see how fast he could get. and it turns out that a supersoldier on a bike built by teenage tony stark can go plenty damn fast.
a traffic cam on the brooklyn bridge clocked him at nearly 115 mph.
but dont forget–this is the Deathbike. it earned its name, and would fulfill its mildly inconvenient legacy regardless of who was riding it.
also, its tires were never built for that kind of stress.
steve turned around the corner of the block where the bagel shop is going some eighty-odd mph (having slowed down to turn), and hit a heap of cardboard. if he’d been going slower, or if the wheels had been in better shape, he might have been able to brake in time. as it was, he was still going pretty fast when he hit it. and since the universe loves to laugh at steve, the pile of cardboard was shaped pretty much like a ramp.
steve and the Deathbike went airborne.
somehow, the early morning commuters failed to notice captain america hurtling through the sky on the worlds most sadistic pedal-powered monster, so when he landed in the bed of an old metal pickup, nobody checked on him when he didn’t pop right back out. instead, the Deathbike, steve, and steve’s shiny new concussion remained right where they were, in blissful unconsciousness.
when steve finally woke up, he was somewhere in southern virginia, and there was a very confused pickup truck driver wondering how the heck he’d wound up with a giant man and a bike in his truck.
we would have made steve bike back, but we didnt want to tempt fate. instead we sent a quinjet.
International Herpetological Society and the Federation of British Herpetologists have banned the sale of morphs associated with neurological disorders at their events, which are the biggest UK shows!
Potentially a good step towards reducing the number of people breeding them if this can be properly enforced.
Guess what?! There is a miracle cure for parvovirus but it’s not what youtube and natural health bloggers would have you believe. It’s not feeding them charcoal, colloidial silver, homeopathic vaccines, capsules full of faeces from a dog that currently has parvo, oregano, garlic… not even a raw food diet.
It’s vaccinating your fucking puppy.
Reblogging since we’ve euthanased at least 20 dogs in the last two weeks due to a positive parvo test 😭😭😭 please vaccinate your puppies!!
Wait, are you telling me the anti-vax crowd has moved on to pets now? What are they afraid of, a rise of feline autism?
Antivaxers are literally the stupidest group of people possible, so they probably are.
Male writer: This female character that I’m writing has a deep dark secret.
Male writer: Something so horrible that she can’t tell a soul…
Male writer: This female character has literally the saddest back story anyone could ever imagine and no man could ever love her because of it and she cries herself to sleep every single night because she’s such a monster.
oh my god those are ROCKS the penguins are falling on ROCKS are you OKAY PENGUINS do you need WINGPADS OR SOME OTHER KIND OF SHOCK ABSORBING PROTECTIVE BODY GEAR
Fun fact, due to their flightlessness, penguins have actually extremely sturdy bones for birds. That plus their natural blubbery body makes them their own shock absorbers
Tumblr: No she isn’t! There is a perfectly logical explanation as to why she mastered everything she touched perfectly on the first try.
Star Wars fans: ….how then?
Tumblr: She used the Force.
Star Wars fans:
that is literally how the force works if you can use it have you never seen a star wars movie before or
anakin never finished a race, then wins one first time out
anakin never flew a starship before and manages to do what the other pilots couldn’t: blow up a droid control ship
let’s not forget luke
luke never used a lightsaber or piloted an x-wing before, then the second he uses the force, bam, perfect first time out
lmao look at this person tryin’ to call rey a mary sue like it’s 2004
That and like. She has better reasons for knowing this stuff than the above dudes do.
Like, of COURSE she knows all about mechanics- she’s been scavenging starships for parts most of her life, so knowing what’s what and how it works is a crucial life skill.
When she handles a lightsaber, she’s very obviously using it like she would a staff (and spends most of the fight running away from Kylo anyway). You know, like the staff she carries with her all the time for self-defense in the desert hellhole she grew up in.
Everything we see her do with the Force is stuff Kylo did in front of her- he invades her mind, and she invades his and then mind-tricks a Stormtrooper (which still takes her three tries). He Force-holds her and later tries to Force-pull a lightsaber, and she Force-pulls it to her instead.
Practically everyone in the Star Wars universe is casually multilingual, and the only character in TFA who’s shown to be unable to understand at least one of Chewie or BB-8 is Finn, who was raised and brainwashed as a Stormtrooper (and neither the Empire nor the First Order seems to be much of an equal opportunity employer when it comes to species). Given her scavenger history, Rey having met astromech droids before isn’t just possible, but likely.
Her skills are better-established than either Luke’s or Anakin’s before they matter, but nope, she’s the Mary Sue, apparently.
For god’s sake, if you take Episode 1 at its word, Anakin was a goddamn virgin birth caused by the will of the force, and has an extensive prophecy about him being the Chosen One.
modern greek mythology stories i am tired of seeing: gritty, “the gods are dying because we don’t believe in them” stories where the greek gods mingle sadly with mortals and lament their lost power
modern greek mythology stories i would like to see: cerberus manages to escape from the underworld and hades has to find him before he can unleash his rage upon the mortal realm, only to find out that cerberus was found by a child who tamed him by sharing her after-school snack with him and giving him pets, and he now has to figure out a way to sneak into the suburbs and avoid getting the cops called on him while he steals his three-headed hell-hound back from a five year old girl
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