To my friends on the spectrum, let me explain to you an unspoken social rule that possibly nobody has ever explained to you before

bones-and-struts:

illuminatingfear:

candidlyautistic:

bonehandledknife:

survivablyso:

bonehandledknife:

lierdumoa:

If a neurotypical asks you, “What game are you playing?” they’re not asking you to describe the game.

They’re asking you if they can play too.

If a neurotypical asks you, “What are you watching?” they’re not asking you to explain the plot of the movie/tv show to them.

They’re asking if they can watch it with you.

.

When neurotypicals ask you “What are you doing?” 

• What you think they’re asking: “Please explain to me what you are doing.” 
• What they’re actually asking:  “Can I join you?”

Now here’s the really fucked up part. If you start explaining to them what you’re doing? They will interpret that as a rejection. 

• What you think you’re saying: [the answer to their question]
• What they think you’re saying: This is an elite and exclusive activity for a level 5 friend and you are a level 1 acquaintance. You are not qualified to join me because you don’t know all this stuff. Go away.

.

This is why neurotypicals think you’re being cold and antisocial.

IT’S ALL A HORRIBLE MISCOMMUNICATION.

I didn’t realize, even thought it took me almost three decades to learn this, that this was such a paradigm changing realization until we had our conversation today.

But it really really is. One of the most bewildering realizations I’ve had is most people don’t talk to learn things unless its related to work or directly towards their own hobbies, all the words and questions are bonding questions if done socially. They are “lets make friends” questions.

So if I answer their question without an opportunity for the person asking the question to give a response or to join in somehow, the asker feels alienated and starts shutting down.

Example: what are you reading?

True answer but not what they’re looking for: Title of book

Best answer for social scenarios where I want to retain/create friendship: This book is about x and y but it has z that i know u have an interest in too.

Example: what are you doing?

True answer but not: drawing

Best answer for friends: I’m drawing but would u like company while I’m working?

And sometimes frankly I’m not in a headspace where I can process people so the answer is something like, “I would like to do something in a day or later, do you want to plan something?”

Tldr: communication is wierd

HOLY

SHIT

that explains so fucking much thank you

(why the fuck do neurotypicals never just day what they mean ie hey this show looks cool mind if I join you)

Further annoying?

They don’t realize that’s what they’re asking and they just feel rejected and go away. So you can’t even ask them what you did wrong because they can’t even put a finger on why they feel the way they do they just know you made them feel bad for some undefined reason.

What’s messed up about this is that we are the ones that communicate explicitly and simply and are pathologized for it, while allistics literally expect us to READ THEIR FUCKING MINDS and that’s normal? How even is that reasonable? How is it we are the ones that society thinks are mentally ill?

Uhg.

Just so… for those of you who have to hide your autism, this is a great thing to keep in mind.

…is that seriously what that question means??? does this explain years of my shitty father always asking these questions and then wondering why i’m cold to him and never include him in anything?? Why would someone ask what something is without wanting the exact answer?? why can’t people just say “hey can I join you”?? that is so much simpler and yet NOBODY has ever asked me that… ever. but if a friend comes up and says “hey what are you working on” and I just so happen to want to talk to them I’ll invite them to join and it’s always yes. that… can’t be a coincidence right?? RIGHT??

…Well shit. I never knew that.